Who else has become invisible?

[Idontknowwhereiwent]

Judging by the number of similar usernames that were already taken, I know there must be others out there.

It’s my birthday soon. I have 2 boys and a DH who will pick up a few bits from the supermarket for me a day or 2 before. I’m not bothered about that. Last year (big birthday) I decided to make it a bit special for myself and went out on the day, bought some nice food for everyone and a cake.

This year, I will probably do the same but I thought I might get myself a little something, a present. Nothing too expensive (money is so tight), but a small gift. I have realised that I have no idea what I might like. I have no idea who I am. I have entirely lost touch with the idea of doing anything for myself, let alone spending money on myself ‘frivolously’.

i have a roof over my head and there is food in the house, but every day is a relentless struggle. I think I’m in survival mode. The mental load is mine. And when it comes to birthdays and Christmas, that’s all down to me too. But now that I want to try to get a little something for me, I have no idea who “me” is. I’m the person who makes do. I cut my own hair, my clothes come from the charity shop and what little I have goes to what my children need. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be.

I just wondered if there are others out there who have felt this way, and what you did next.

Hi I don't feel like you do now at the moment. Yet I did when I went through a divorce when my children were just 5 and 7. My ex-husband is very selfish and I raised them on my own, as he did not contribute financially after we ended, yet personal care and actually being a hands-on dad never ever happened & the first year after he moved out was utter hell. I struggled with money, had to completely change the way I lived, and I was determined to make mine and the childrens life better. I did just that; I didn't give up, not once did I feel sorry for myself. When I needed to vent about how frustrated I was, that everything after he moved out, including financially was one me. I just gave myself a stern talking to, that I had two great children; I'm strong and can get through this. I kept my head high and decided to retrain. I took 8 qualifications in 2 years, whilst I was working part time. I doubled my income, and now have more financially to give my children than my ex-husband does.

Life is hard financially when children are small, as its a constant struggle of everything you earn goes out on them, not so much on clothes etc as teenagers like mine are now as my daughter is 15 now and the same height as she was since she was 12 so trainers etc although I do buy her new ones last longer.

I literally was living in my overdraft for the first year after my divorce, I know what struggle feels like, Yet there are ways to earn extra, I started taking part in research projects which pay £50 a time, and sold their old, good-condition clothes on vinted, and I also found an American website where people paid to talk to you.

Its my birthday coming up in october and I booked concert tickets in london for myself and my children, train is booked, accommodation is booked, and its exactly what I loved to do before I had my children and now I share that with them.

I feel like this at the moment TBH. I’m very much in survival mode and have been for a while.

I think when you spend too long trying to minimise your needs to get through a difficult time it can become a hard state to shift out of. I remember at Christmas people asking what I’d like but having no idea what to tell them. I finally scrounged up a short list of quite basic things.

i definitely don’t take of myself the way I used to either. My warning sign is I need new clothes and don’t have a single clue what to buy, I end up buying copies of old clothes instead of being excited about anything new.

I’ve done through periods like this in the past and what worked to get out of this rut was to make a plan across all areas of life and force myself to stick to it. So exercising every day, putting nice clothes on (by nice I mean not joggers), making plans with friends, making a hair appointment etc.

easier said than done as I’m struggling to make the shift myself at the moment.