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Why do I crave a close happy family bond with my extended family im NC with? Ive craved this since I was a child. I cant get it out my head or get my head around it.

7 replies

JacknDiane · 20/08/2026 21:59

Whats wrong with me?

OP posts:
Br1ll1ant · 20/08/2026 22:03

Because children deserve to be loved and nurtured, and they need that care to thrive. We struggle to get past it when it doesn’t happen.

Our adult, rational brains know the relationships are bad for us, but that child in us is desperate for the care they needed so much. It takes a lot of self care (more than I’ve managed) to deal with it successfully.

Believe that you deserve better than they offer. Because you do.

Pistachiocake · 20/08/2026 22:17

It's normal to want to be with family. I respect you don't want to go into detail, but maybe see a counsellor you can talk things through with, looking to get back together in a way that works for you if you want to. You'd at least get professional advice specific to your situation.

Pearlstillsinging · 20/08/2026 22:26

It sounds as if you would benefit from counselling to help you to come to terms with your reasons for going NC, which I guess wasn't just done on a whim.

Interested in this thread?

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ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 20/08/2026 23:46

@Br1ll1ant has it.

I think childhood is the core of whom we are. Our childhood is the heartwood - when it's sound, we've got a really solid basis for living and can look outward, secure and almost unaware of this central strength that's grown up over the past years.

When somethings gone badly wrong, out heartwood is weakened and even cracked. It influences us. Some people are less aware, some more, but either way it does influence us.

And many of us long with an almost physical pain for the living family that, had we had one, would have given us a good basis to grow up with and look outwards.

What you're feeling is natural. It doesn't mean that you are wrong; it means that you grew up without the vital nutrients and nourishment that makes your heartwood strong.

Ive never found a bandage for it, I'm afraid, only possible tips. Grounding yourself in the present moment by literally trying to feel your feet on the ground can help a bit. Some people find that imagining the child they were and holding her helps, though it doesn't work for me.

Being aware of your blessings does help too. It doesn't take awake the aching pain, but it does help balance it out. Some people, but not all, find therapy helps. Some people find their own children very healing, though you can't have children just for that reason, it's very hit and miss; it sharpens the pain for others.

Time and age (sorry) and experience can help you learn to live with it too.

[Flowers]

BibbityBoppityTwo · 20/08/2026 23:49

Because it would be healing for you if you could have that relationship with them and fully accepting you can’t involves opening the floodgates to a whole lot of grief.

NoImBridgetJones · 21/08/2026 01:42

Attachment wound. Self-compassion is supposed to help cultivate that heartwood sensation a pp mentioned, self-love, quiet, confident, inner-acceptance of who we are. That’s difficult for us to do, so practising intentionally evoking compassion through imagery is a sort of training for being able to show that love to yourself. I think of an injured dog. Also really noticing all the ways you are compassionate towards others and animals etc in normal life can help build familiarity with compassion. I don’t if it does actually ‘work,’ but it’s supposed to be one of ways in to that feeling.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 21/08/2026 07:42

I think of an injured dog.

I think of that too. Apparently puppies that are given a great deal of attention, love and firm healthy boundaries grow up the happiest. It's the dogs who are given intermittent or the barest attention who keep coming back to their humans, wanting approval and love.

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