Should we spend Christmas with in-laws or keep our own tradition?

[Afternoonteaforme1]

Hi all,
I know it’s still very early in the year but my in laws who live 3 hours away are talking about me and my husband and our 2 small children going to theirs for Xmas and spending it with them and our brother and sister in laws. My husband said he could take it or leave it and he prefers to stay at home as it’s our tradition and we don’t want to have to drive up and would have no room for our children’s presents. He told his family that and his parents and brothers are pressuring him and now he’s thinking that he should as he’s never seen them on Xmas day before since having children and feels like a bad son. What are your thoughts? I’m trying to support him but it’s so hard seeing him feeling like he can’t win as he says!

Stay at home. These big gatherings are no fun for children. Can you have an early Christmas with your ILs?
A lot of these parents who want their adult children and grandchildren with them on Christmas Day always spent Christmas at home when their kids were young.

Where do you get the idea that big gatherings aren't fun for children? My best Christmas memories were being with extended family, all the kids bunking down to sleep in one room on the floor, loads of aunties and uncles. It was great. Just being at home with my mum, dad and siblings would have been like every weekend

Why isn’t staying at home a tradition, this makes no sense?

Because being at home with the people you live with is the default...that's what you do every day. You're not doing anything different to what you would do anytime.

We certainly don’t have presents, a slap up meal, sparklers, chocolates , baileys, play games every day. Do you?

The tradition is that they don’t see other people on a day when lots of extended families and friends get together - does that help ?

assume they are putting you up for a few days at that distance - I would go for a compromise of arriving on Boxing Day

Do as you please, really. You're under no obligation to see them if you couldn't care less about that. Ask yourself first which idea you like the best then follow through with it.

We’re all different. I hated being dragged off to relatives as a child and much preferred to be at home, as did my brother.

My own DC, one preferred home and the other was happy to visit GPs.

What would you prefer OP?

What are the logistics of staying at in-laws?

If they have a big house, plenty of room and you won’t be expected to do a lot of the work and you get on with the ILs, then I’d be tempted to go.

If it’s all squashed up, you are expected to cook, do the work and you don’t particularly like the ILs, then obviously don’t go.

I wouldn’t go because the ILs are putting emotional pressure and guilt on you.

I’ve always declined staying at in laws over Xmas when offered.

a few days before and leave by Xmas Eve? Absolutely.
go on Boxing Day? Perfect.
change plans around so we can see them on Xmas day if they are down here at MILs? Yup, of course.
Even driving there after Christmas lunch I’d do!

But, the idea of attempting to keep the magic of Xmas Eve and morning for young children, when we have our own method of doing things and they have theirs just isn’t going to work, and I’m not prepared to give up any of the short, 11 years of Santa believing time with my kids.

I don't think you can blanket say " These big gatherings are no fun for children"

My kids and their cousins love the big gatherings all year round, but especially Christmas. They all want to sleep in the same room, love opening presents together, love having multiple people, including adults to play with, love the noisy, busy family meal and family games after. Given the choice, they would all choose the big get together Christmas over the years we have spent separately.

We love big family gatherings. The more the merrier.

My SIL always hated as a child having to go elsewhere for Christmas. He said he just wanted to stay at home and play with his toys.

I loved travelling to Grandparents as a child. It was so exciting. Always someone to play with or watch a film with.
The Christmases we had at home were so quiet in comparison.

Of course it’s a tradition! Do you really do the things that you do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day on all the other 363 days of the year?

Thank you everyone, you have been really helpful. I have shown the comments to my husband, he still doesn’t know what he’s going to do but good to get different opinions! I think we are aiming for a compromise of going up the day before but he thinks his parents will reject that idea

I would do it tbh or at least for Boxing Day. Would you be able to stay with ILs or would you need to do a big drive on Christmas day? You could always order the kids' presents to your IL's in advance?

One off is ok but ultimately do your own thing.

I beg to differ. I loved big family gatherings as a child.

Personally once we had children we stayed at home on Christmas Day. My parents live 4 hours away and I really just wanted to be at home, in our pyjamas and DDs coming downstairs to their own stockings and presents. I absolutely hated being dragged to my grandparents house on Christmas Day as a child.... I just wanted to stay home and play with my toys. We have anyone over that would like to come. Usually BIL and SIL but sometimes it's been friends or other family members and a couple of years just the four of us.

Like PPs we do an early Christmas with my parents so we drive up the weekend before and spend it with them. We do the present swapping, go out for a pub lunch etc. The motorways are still busy but not as mad as they usually are on Christmas Eve etc.

On Boxing Day we see DH's family for even more food and present opening. I actually love it, it feels like we get three Christmas Days!

Do you mean you might go up just for Christmas Eve, or to stay that night and go home on Christmas day? I think it would be a vit unfair to turn up as guests just for Christmas Eve as they'll be trying to get everything ready for the main day that you won't be part off. One Christmas doesn't really seem too much to ask.

Why did you start never seeing them on Christmas Day, and what's changed? If there is no good reason why you don't, then trying it seems reasonable. It doesn't have to be a big commitment, it's just one year, and you all (including GPs and cousins) might be missing out on a good thing. If there is History then tread more carefully.

Could you not do a Xmas Eve or Boxing Day? Myself partner brothers ans sisters and off spring used to meet at my mums Xmas day. Then when we realised actually the kids just want to be in their own houses playing with what Santa brought them we changed it from Xmas day to Boxing Day x

I can never understand people who want their adult children to come for christmas, knowing full well that their children don't want to. I would never seek to inveigle someone to my house out of duty knowing that they hated every minute of it.

I used to dread every October when my mother would start asking "what are you doing for christmas". Eventually I began going away to a non christian country like Nepal, Morocco or Egypt to avoid it and the need to explain. Eventually I stopped going away and simply said I was going. There were no smart phones then thank heavens.

I do ask my adult DC this around October every year, but tbh it’s because I am often hoping they will have other plans and I can go abroad for a week or more over Christmas!!

No such luck so far! 🤣