Should we spend Christmas with in-laws or keep our own tradition?

[Afternoonteaforme1]

Hi all,
I know it’s still very early in the year but my in laws who live 3 hours away are talking about me and my husband and our 2 small children going to theirs for Xmas and spending it with them and our brother and sister in laws. My husband said he could take it or leave it and he prefers to stay at home as it’s our tradition and we don’t want to have to drive up and would have no room for our children’s presents. He told his family that and his parents and brothers are pressuring him and now he’s thinking that he should as he’s never seen them on Xmas day before since having children and feels like a bad son. What are your thoughts? I’m trying to support him but it’s so hard seeing him feeling like he can’t win as he says!

If you think it will be a one-off, do it. Though I suspect it will not be, or at least not expected to be.

They said this is the only chance whilst kids are young and they are still alive and the other in laws will be at the other sides family’s next year. Good point though, hadn’t thought about future ones..

Does the rest of the family live near them, then why not go in Boxing Day?

We do a three year cycle.

1. just us
2. my parents

3)invite his parents (who normally decline, so its just us again).

I’d suggest doing an early Christmas. We do it in our family in similar circumstances so we have a weekend at my parents house in December.
sometimes go out for a nice Christmas pub dinner or all cook together in their home, we treat it like Christmas Day so gifts are exchanged but not usually opened although the children can choose to open one or two, usually the ones from the grandparents so they can see them opening them.

however we’ve never done the whole ‘Santa brings all the gifts’ thing. Santa only fills stocking in our house and my children see gifts under the tree in the lead up to Christmas so that isn’t ruined for them.

i actually love early Christmas, it’s a lovely day that doesn’t feel pressured, we don’t feel like we’re spending the festive period in the car and it means we can have our own Christmas Day traditions at home.

'this is the only chance whilst kids are young and they are still alive '

really ?

how old are the children

how old are they

what illnesses do they have ?

You do know if you give in this year, it will be requested next year and the next year...

Young kids.
Home and in PJ's and opening gifts snd doing what you want.

But you have to do what is right for you and your family

Up to you of course, but I used to love staying with family at Christmas, lots of food, busy presents, cousins etc. Also lovely at home too but I don’t think it would hurt to mix it up occasionally.

If you're not all that bothered either way (and lets face it, might be a whole lot less work for you if someone else is doing all the preparing and cooking etc), then let him decide what to do.

I'd step back and let him make his mind up.

Staying at home on your own isn't a tradition...it's like any other day. My best Christmas memories as a child was being with extended family...my own dcs favourite Christmas was the one when we had the biggest family gathering. Yabvu.

When my Grandma was moving into a home, I inherited her diaries. Reading her Christmas entries where she wished she could see her grandchildren make me feel so wretched. My Mum insisted on us staying at home and I just know that our cursory and distracted phone call to say a brief thank-you, wasn't enough.

The moment I had a house big enough, I invited my parents, Grandma and Aunt, as well as my brother and nieces. Happily, I read those diary entries as well and know how overjoyed my Grandma was for her last few Christmases.

My DC say that seeing family is their biggest joy at Christmas. I will always choose family at Christmas.

So your schedule is dictated by what the others want to do? Nope. Why not arrange a similar get together for the spring when there is less pressure. Keep your own traditions, they know where you are if you want to see them.

Christmas at home isn’t like any other day, do behave!

Unless some family are abroad and have to book extra time off and organise flights, then surely there are plenty of other things for them to think about five months in advance. If he's not sure, he either sticks to the tradition, or gives himself some space and says he'll think about it.

Having said that, maybe he just enjoys being at home, and doing Christmas in a more relaxed way, so if he really doesn't want to go, take it as a compliment he really wants to be with those closest to him.

Sounds a great idea to me. We mix it up, sometimes my family, sometimes my husband’s, sometimes ourselves. Although, we haven’t done one just us since we had a child. Our child loves seeing family, all the attention etc. It also gives us time to relax as they’re getting entertained by family members. They love it, as did I when I was a child. We also appreciate not having to do any shopping, prep, or cooking (we bring lots of wine and help clear up)!

Invite them to yours. Then he gets to see them on Christmas day, you all have fun as a family, and zero travelling with kids! Invite anyone who wants to come, and give them all some jobs, only fair as you're hosting and everyone should contribute.

We normally host some of my family. Partly because we prefer being at home and DH’s family live so far away and don’t like to travel, and partly because he works in retail, so normally has to work over Christmas. But every few years, we’ll drive to them and have a change, just for the experience. It’s nice. I wouldn’t want to do it every year, but as a one off, it’s fun.

If you think it’s going to become a yearly demand, then all your DH has to do is say no, absolutely not. It was a massive pain in the arse, we missed our traditions and it was just too much. It’s a once or twice a decade thing, not a yearly thing. Ask your DH whether his parents dragged them about the country every year and if they did, he can tell them how much he hated it, would rather have been at home and he won’t do that to his DC. If they stayed at home, he can tell them that they did Christmases their own way all their lives so they don’t now get to demand that other people put themselves out for them.

Will they all still be up there on boxing day? We used to have Christmas Day at home, then drive up to my in-laws at the kids bedtime. They slept in the car, got transferred into bed when we got there, and then we had Christmas all over again with the PILs, DH's sibling and spouse, and our niece and nephew.

Christmas for me is for (extended) family. The only Christmases I have spent without family on either side were during Covid and a couple of times when I was younger and taking extended backpacking trips etc over Christmas. Both our families live a long way away but we always make the effort to see them for Christmas (alternating each year), even more so since having kids as we had kids late so don’t know how many more Christmases they’ll get with the grandparents. I’ve never understood the general MN view of wanting to be at home with just the nuclear family for Christmas.

Do whatever you both feel is best, my lovely.
If neither of you are particularly arsed about seeing the in-laws, then you're under absolutely no obligation if you don't feel like it. There'll always be another Christmas.

My DH and I prefer to spend Christmas alone, just us. That's our tradition ❤

As a one off id probably try and do it ?
Then it's one in the guilt bag
Id also make it clear that it will be hard for the children on such a long car journey is make it clear it won't be repeated soon.

Then following years have them at your house and invite them if you can and want to every now and then.

I'd do the trip.

But for me Christmas is about the chaos of all family together. We often go and stay overnight for 4 nights at Christmas with family.... 5 Adults and 8 children! We did buy a roof bag for the car so that the presents were hidden under a blanket in the boot (packed before the kids could see!)

I'd do it this one year and if you don't enjoy it, decline other years

Just because it’s not YOUR tradition doesn’t mean it can’t be anyone else’s tradition. I don’t go to church at Christmas but I don’t tell people who do that it can’t be a tradition because I don’t do it 🙄

I’d hate to have Christmas at home with just us, as it wouldn’t feel like enough of a celebration. I love having people around to drink champagne with and I love watching the kids play/chat with other people (whilst I put my feet up and eat chocolate). I prefer a full dining table and people to cook for/cook for me. but then that was my experience as a child- grandparents, aunts and uncles- everyone laughing and joking and being utterly spoilt. My kids are having that experience too so will be interesting to see how they want to celebrate Christmas when they are adults.

Me too, as a child it was exciting to sometimes be at grandparent's house with more family around. I'd do it as a one off.