DD14 lost money. What would you have done?

[Lifecouldbeadreamsweetheart]

Just curious about the split of opinions really.

DD just turned 14. She ended up with about £70 in cash from grandparents in cards etc. This is a huge and exciting amount of money to her (tbf I wouldn't mind it myself...).

I've been nagging her for a couple of weeks to not leave it lying around, that if cash gets lost that's it etc, and that for safe keeping she should put it in the bank where it would be safe and could even earn a bit of interest. She has a bank account with a card etc but never uses it. She says she prefers cash, I think just because she likes to look at it (it's not because of conspiracy theories or some old skool attachment like some people like cash).

Anyway, the other day we went shopping. She was going to spend her money. Surprise surprise she left her purse in the toilet at the shopping centre. She remembered ten minutes later, ran back and... It had gone. She was so upset, in tears, sobbing that it had gone and she'd never get it back.

Amazingly someone had handed it in, so we did get it back ten minutes later. When she'd calmed down I said again that we could get rid of the risk entirely if she had listened and put the money in the bank.

I have thought subsequently about what I'd have done had the money not have been handed in and she would have lost it for good. Would I have replaced it, or let her learn the hard lesson. I like to think that I teach them life lessons but I'm not sure I could have stood by with her so upset.

What would you have done?

Ahh I’d have replaced it. We all make mistakes and it’s easy enough to leave a bag/purse behind somewhere. I think the lesson & fright of losing it in the first place would be enough. Poor girl must have been so upset, I’m so glad someone handed it in!

It’s a tough one, I’m not sure what I’d do, on the one hand it’s a valuable lesson to learn, on the other hand as a human being and mother I’d be so sad for them and want to make it ‘right’. I would like to say I’d give her half of what she lost to soften the blow but they still have to deal with a loss. A middle ground between “you need to learn this difficult life lesson” and stepping in to make it all better. I’d remind them about being responsible with our valuables and how this can be avoided in future. But it’s easy for me to say that when it hasn’t happened to my dc (yet).

If I could afford to replace the money then I absolutely would. She had a fright when she thought that the money was gone. She'll remember that feeling and that's enough to teach her a lesson.

If she lost money again after that experience then I'd be very unlikely to replace it a 2nd time.

I agree with @bitontheobtuse that the "I told you so" speech you gave her later was unnecessary and unkind.

Is any one else wondering how the purse was lost?

When you say she left her purse in the toilets, how did that happen? Was the purse not in a bag, why would she put the purse down somewhere? When taking the purse out and paying for things, the purse should be immediately returned to the bag/pocket etc that it came from.

I wouldn't have replaced it but would have reiterated the need to keep it safe in the bank. I'd have treated her to a nice lunch and probably given her opportunity to earn some cash by doing a few chores.

OP do not end up with a daughter like my sister. She believes money will always come back to her. It does too… my parents are constantly lending her money and she doesn’t have even £5 in savings. She’s a mother in her 30s.

This really made me think what I’d do. I think I would replace it, but I wouldn’t have done it there and then. I think I’d have let the consequence play out a bit longer and missed out on the shopping, consoled them and gone home. Then have transferred the money that evening or next morning. I think I’d feel too sad for them to not do it and that the lesson can still be learnt if they go through the real emotions that come with thinking it’s lost for good. If make it clear that there wouldn’t be a next time though!

I wouldn't have replaced the money. Actions have consequences and so does negligence.

Another thing you could teach her is to always glance back when you leave a place you’ve been sitting in public, wether that be the loo, a table in a cafe or your seat on a bus or train. I taught myself this after leaving my full purse on my bus seat at her age and then drummed it into my children so they would stop leaving their water bottles behind when they were little.

Anyone can lose a purse if they haven't got a bag to put it in. I would've bought her a crossbody bag straight away. The lack of bag was the problem.

I wouldn’t have said I told you so. I would have been very sympathetic but I wouldn’t have replaced it. Maybe I’d have given her half of it but I think at 14 she needs to learn.

yea and we keep making them if we don’t learn from them

I'm LMAO at 'negligence' for a 14yo losing a purse.

Why would you have replaced it? She is 14, not 4 and if she’s old enough to have the money then she’s responsible for it. Replacing it just means she doesn’t have to worry about being responsible

Thankfully DS learnt the lesson aged 6 when he left his little wallet with less than a tenner in it on one of the benches at the school fete; and dd at a similar age did something similar with 10 Euros.

Lessons learnt early.

Okay - carelessness. But if the money had been missing and the mother had refused to replaced it, then she would be more careful in future.

Even at 14, taking your purse with you is fairly basic!

I would have replaced it with the deal that she’ll put future money in a bank account.

Sometimes the hard lessons are the best ones. She’s 14 not 4. I wouldn’t have replaced it. She was lucky but luck doesn’t always happen when you’ve been careless.

I remember being in my 20s and leaving an overnight bag on a train. I was gutted as it had my favourite clothes in. It never came back but I learnt an important lesson about checking and double checking.

Well you’re not wrong but when have you ever seen a 14 year old with a cross body bag? I have a 14 year old and they rarely carry bags of any description. They don’t necessarily carry purses either but might have a £10 in the back of their phones. I would probably be carrying her purse in my bag if we were out together.

But she was told to do that with this money and didn’t.

Not having the money replaced would have been a perfect ‘natural consequence’

I don’t let my children keep cash through the breakfast chaos of presents and cards. There’s no need. I tell them I’ll transfer it to their accounts.
I would have been both cross and compassionate and probably given her half the amount to her account.

My daughter was very careless with things at that age and if she’d lost that much money, I probably would have replaced half of it rather than the full amount. If she had generally been a bit more careful with her belongings then I would have replaced it in full. It’s a huge amount of money for someone to lose at any age, but a 14 year old has no way of replacing it, whereas I would be able to find the money, even if I had to cut back in other areas.

But then the fact that the money is difficult to replace is more reason for them to be careful with it.

At 14, most people should surely be able to understand that, if you cba to keep hold of it, you will lose it.

I would have done exactly this. Poor thing she was upset enough as it is!

Because I get to make a choice too.
Why would she feel guilty because I make a different choice? We all have agency and can't go around feeling guilty for the choices other people make. She created the situation but how I would choose to respond to it is on me.