Moving away from mum needing care

[Familydifferences]

Our youngest child is leaving for university next month and our oldest went last year. Now that we don’t have to stay here due to schools, we have decided to move house, hopefully for the last time.

We are looking at houses in an area that is about 150 miles away, which means moving away from my sister and mum. Our mum has some health issues and me and my sister help her out due to them.

My sister had been quiet when we mentioned moving until now, but now we have actually started viewing houses, she has told us that she is angry that we are leaving her to care for our mum alone. I’ve told her that she doesn’t have to care for our mum or can continue to do the same amount as she is now and that our mum will have to have carers to do what she needs. My sister thinks that it’s our responsibility to care for our mum and we are wrong for moving.

We've told my sister that we are definitely moving and she’s saying we are selfish. How would you deal with it? My mum has money to pay for carers.

Hm I can see your sisters point to be honest. Carers are helpful but they won't do it all.

You haven't said why you're moving quite so far away - is it an area you've always wanted to move to?

What does your mum think about you moving away?

Carers aren’t a substitute for company. Does it have to be 150 miles away?

It’s a lovely area and we have always wanted to live there.

Carers can easily do what she needs. At the moment I visit twice a week to help her wash and I also make her some meals but she is capable of cooking. She already has a cleaner and gardener and can pay for more help. Even if I was here, I wouldn’t be able to do much more due to working and other commitments.

She has told us to go for it and is more than happy to pay for more help. It’s my sister that thinks it is our responsibility.

No one has to be a carer. If you want to move then of course you’re not unreasonable to do so.
I do however understand your sister’s reaction, as she is understandably worried of the extra pressure it will put on her.
Neither of you are wrong to both do what you want and feel the way you do about it.

How are your DD’s about you moving so far? One of my friends from uni’s parents relocated when she was in her first year and she was distraught. She hated going home for holidays as she knew no one there. Again, I’m not saying this shoukd stop you but I’m curious about how they feel about it.

I'd be more worried about leaving the area my children grew up in while they were still at university. I had to move when my youngest was at university and I know he feels the difference when he visits us, no friends about and in a place he doesn't have strong ties too.

Our children want us to do it. All of their friends have moved or are moving for uni anyway and they can visit each other in their hometowns. We are moving to a place where we all have other family and friends. It’s actually closer to both of their universities.

You are entitled to live your own life and I don’t agree that adult children are responsible for caring for aging parents. In this case, your mum wants you to move where you want to and is happy to pay for care so it’s not really an issue. Your sister is being a martyr.

If your Mum is happy with it then the problem lies with your sister who needs to establish how much she can or cannot do for mother.

Does your Mum know that sister is annoyed?

You have to do what’s right for you. You can offer to help with online stuff if you want to.
Your DSis needs to work how much, if any care she wants to do.