Would you call this person out?

[Flatlily]

I'm part of a team organising a charity event tonight.

It's a thing we do regularly and we have the organisation pretty slick. It does require a small army of volunteers and we usually get them easily, although there will always be one or two who have something come up last minute and have to drop out. It doesn't really matter, we have others who will step up but it's another thing to sort out on the day.

One person gave a big sob story yesterday about how she's devastated to let us down but can't go because her father needs her for something to do with his care arrangements.

I've just been sent screenshots of another group, which show she's going to a social thing with them.

She can do what she likes with her time, but I don't like being lied to.

I wouldn't bring it up with her, I'd mentally note it and keep an eye on her. She's not the friend you thought she was and I think a period of observation might be helpful. TBH I don't think calling it out is the right way to go anyway. A dignified but distant and slightly disappointed approach going forward will let her know you know she sacked you off for a better offer at the last minute, which is a shitty thing for a so-called friend to do.

The dog ate my homework... grandparents are poorly... got hospital apt.... etc etc. People have been lying for years to get out of a prior engagement or not do something they are supposed to do rather than tell the truth. That's people!

Tbh, I'd let it go. You know the truth, that's good enough because now you don't rely on her for anything going forward. If she offers to volunteer in future, say thanks but no thanks. It's annoying but honestly, some people are unreliable and well, selfish.

I organised a dinner for our school volunteers and one cried off saying she had to fly out to Spain to take care of her MIL. She obviously forgot we were ‘friends’ on FB as next she posted pics of the party she was at…I didn’t say anything but never invited her to anything again (not that she would have noticed to be honest, never liked her. When she found out I was a widow she said she knew ‘exactly’ how I felt because her husband often worked away 🤨).

In her defence there are SO MANY PEOPLE who take every statement as a starting point for negotiation, rather than a hard no. They ask for a reason, they try and get you to meet halfway, compromise etc and it just becomes too fucking much when you have already said no. So it's easier to lie, because that is an acceptable excuse.

Don’t take it so personally, maybe she has had a lot in with her dad and can’t find the energy to give any more time to others.

She would go down in my estimation a little bit, but not nearly as much as screen-shot person.

I'd have a in person chat with her saying it's from a place of understanding (even if you're annoyed). 'hey pal, I know you're a bit stressed with your dad. I hope you have a lovely holiday but please don't feel you need to say it's related to your dad when you don't want to volunteer anymore. It's okay to change your mind.'

This. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, but I would let her know that I know, and would be pissed off that her lies have resulted in extra work for me. If she doesn't want to volunteer in future then she needs to use her grown up words and say so.

Oh. She would absolutely explode at that. She would hate to have her little white lie pointed out like that. Interesting that I can really see in my mind how what seems like such a reasonable suggestion would go down.

Screen shot person is being defensive of me I think. They know this friend has let me down personally in the past giving the same reason, and that whilst outwardly I've said the right things, there have been times when it stung.

Anyway it doesn't matter now. Three other people from our group, including the main organiser, have seen the post as well, and the screen shots are doing the rounds. The person who originally sent it to me hasn't been involved in that.

It wasn't very bright to post in such an overlapping group!

there will always be one or two who have something come up last minute and have to drop out. It doesn't really matter

You said it yourself. Don't take this any further, let it go. Volunteering is just that, and she's allowed to change her mind. She felt she needed to make up a reason, but she's not the first or last person to do that to wiggle out of a situation.

It will all look a bit intense, and you'll drop the screenshotter in it if you bring it up, don't bother.

This is why I don't join committees or volunteering groups. It's all too intense by far.

Then she doesn't sound like a very reasonable friend to keep.

Well done to everyone sharing the screenshots with you 😂 glad there's collective outrage/shaming, a great indicator that you have an otherwise solid team of volunteers.

Oh dear. Does she know yet?

You are muddling up your friendship and the volunteering, they are separate things.

I personally would have told the busy body person to do one, I hate shite stirrers.

I don't know. I realise these posts might not sound like it but as far as everyone involved in concerned, I'm keeping well out of it.

I've told the original sharer it's a bit disappointing but it's down to her how she chooses to spend her time.

I doubt she'll be first pick for future roles, but I don't suppose she'll be bothered about that.

I'm not sure I can be trusted to be magnaminous next time she cancels a social thing with me because "Dad" though!

Yep fhis

This. I think you're confusing things here. If you're that upset, you fade her out. But the shit stirrer is not great, either.

I wouldn't 'call her out'

I suspect she saw it as a white lie ( yes I know it is still a lie) and didnt do anything malicious.

Perhaps she needed this time to do something fun and was to embarrassed to say she'd rather do that then the volunteering.

You say the screenshot person did it out of frustration. I think if they were frustrated they would have just mentioned it, to take a screen shot seems a bit more intense and trying to point score .

I would sit back and watch. But I would also distance myself from her. People judge you by the friends you keep.

Your friend will probably find out about the screen shots. Your friend is a bit flakey and uses her dad as an excuse because she probably doesnt like direct confruntation. Let her take the lead with the friendship.
I stopped talking to somewone who tended to share screenshots a couple of years ago, i feel alot better.

If this were my friend I would be giving benefit of the doubt that she isnt attending the other event either and hasnt let them know about her dad needing her yet.

Also if it were a disorganised friend I would assume she has double booked and making an excuse perhaps cancelling this one as more easily replaced.

If i felt she ditched this event in favour of the other just because she fancied it i would be disappointed and would have to mention.

Has she spoken to you one on one yet. My close friend would tell me the truth about double booking and say she was too embarrassed to say on the wider chat.

If this were my friend I would be giving benefit of the doubt that she isnt attending the other event either and hasnt let them know about her dad needing her yet.

I don't think that's the case. She confirmed her attendance on the other page at about the same time she told us how upset she was she couldn't make it.

So this is a friend who has to care for an elderly parent and she gets a bit of free time & you talk her into volunteering, she backs out and you and the shit stirrer who showed you the screenshot begrudge her letting her hair down with a night out with the people she wants to hang with?

No one, absolutely no one talked her into anything. A general message gets put out asking for volunteers and the roster is filled within 24 hours. No arm twisting required. The volunteering is actually fun and people want to do it.

It's a pain when you need to rearrange the roster at the last minute but it's not difficult to fill with willing volunteers.

No one begrudes her anything either. If she'd said she needed a night to herself that would have been fine, everyone would have been supportive, I just don't like being lied to.