Would you call this person out?

[Flatlily]

I'm part of a team organising a charity event tonight.

It's a thing we do regularly and we have the organisation pretty slick. It does require a small army of volunteers and we usually get them easily, although there will always be one or two who have something come up last minute and have to drop out. It doesn't really matter, we have others who will step up but it's another thing to sort out on the day.

One person gave a big sob story yesterday about how she's devastated to let us down but can't go because her father needs her for something to do with his care arrangements.

I've just been sent screenshots of another group, which show she's going to a social thing with them.

She can do what she likes with her time, but I don't like being lied to.

Who sent the screenshot? Personally I wouldn’t call her out, I’d just be wary about accepting her help in the future.

One of the other volunteers, who was involved in the discussion about how to replace her.

I wouldn’t call her out specifically because as you said - it’s volunteering and she has a right to back out.

However next time I saw her and she asked about the event I would say “oh it went really well thankyou for asking. how was your night at X with x?”

I wouldn’t because I don’t think it’s a big deal really- I suspect most people who drop out for these sorts of reasons are doing the same!

No, I would not call it out. I dont see what would be gained.
It's annoying and you know to not use her volunteer again.

I’d let it go, but not accept her offer of help in the future.
If she pushes it and asks why, I’d then tell her.

I wouldn't "call her out" I think people who do so are rarely doing so for a good reason and it's usually just an ego boost. What I would do is remember what they did and be realistic about how much you can trust what they say or rely on them.

I’d be inclined to just say to her ‘oh how was the social thing with the other group the other night? hope you had a good time’ and then comment on how your charity event went and that way you’re letting her know that you know and leave it at that.
Id then not include her in any numbers for volunteering and that way you won’t be let down and then if she does turn up next time then it’s a bonus.

Maybe call it out was the wrong language, but perhaps just let her know I know.

Maybe it feels bigger because she's supposed to be a good friend of mine and I've given her lots of support with her dad. It's not just on of the volunteers iyswim.

I agree there's probably nothing to be achieved, but it feels like a significant thing in our friendship, although I'm sure she sees it as letting the organisation down rather than me personally.

No, I wouldn’t give it a second thought tbh.

The screen shot sender is a massive stirrer. Keep an eye on that person.

Why would she see it as letting you down personally though? She hasn’t let you down personally that I can see

Because I have to either step in to fill her role or find someone else to do it.

Well that’s the whole teams responsibility surely? You don’t have to do it because she’s your mate.

She would be embarrassed but would it achieve anything else? She apparently doesn't mind lying and letting her friends down. Do you want her to know that you won't be trusting her again?

You know she has a lot on her plate with her dad. So if, in the time she is not spending on him, she decides she’d rather socialise than volunteer, that’s completely understandable. She clearly feels that she can’t be honest about it, who knows why, but she probably wants to feel better about herself than she does.

I would not call her out, because it really doesn’t matter. I do think the screenshot sharer is stirring, unless they have quite an officious outlook on life/personality anyway.

No I don't have to do it because she's my mate but I do have to do it.

Yes, maybe it's that. She's "used" her dad as an excuse on a few occasions (for personal things with me and with our friends) and I have always been very understanding and supportive. Now I wonder...

Yes, the other person is stirring, but it comes from a place of frustration.

This.

It does require a small army of volunteers and we usually get them easily, although there will always be one or two who have something come up last minute and have to drop out

People feel bad backing out of something worthy to do something more fun, so they make up something that sounds like a reasonable excuse. Especially if there's a possibility that someone will "call them out" or otherwise shame them for doing so. I get that it's annoying but this is how it is when you rely on volunteers to get stuff done. You just have to keep track of which are the flakey ones who will sack off the volunteering for a better offer at the drop of a hat, and which are the ones who will drop a sick child at the In-Laws at 5am so they can still do the event, and plan accordingly.

Shaming the flakey volunteers just results in them not getting involved at all, and that's probably worse if you need lots of bodies.

is this your employment and they are volunteers?
do they get approached to volunteer or have you asked them?
do you know her outside of the charity?

I'm a volunteer too. The whole organisation is run by volunteers.

She stepped forward initially without being asked. We rarely need to ask anyone, volunteers are mostly people who use the service or have family members who use the service. So whilst there are plenty of people I can ask to replace her and it won't be a problem, it's still an additional hassle on event day, and means someone who was initially told they weren't needed needs to make themselves available at short notice.

She has on occasion benefited from events the charity has organised herself and her daughter uses us a lot.

Yes, I have known her longer than I've been involved in the charity and most of the things we do together are nothing to do with the charity. She can be a bit flaky and often uses her dad as the reason, which I have always been understanding of. It makes me wonder.

I wouldn't call her out, no but maybe fade the friendship out.

I've had people bail on me before, funnily enough using their father as a reason, ultimately they're not the friends I want

If she decides she’d rather socialise than volunteer, that’s completely understandable.
No it's not! If somebody says they are going to do something and then lets everybody down then that's flaky behaviour. Nobody forced her to volunteer, she shouldn't offer if she doesn't mean it.

OP, you may have shot yourself in the foot by having plenty of cover; Flaky friend thinks she won't be missed. You say that she has form for doing this on other occasions so I'd pull back a bit. Socialise if she's there but protect yourself by not including her in anything that she might bail on.