Why do I hate “parent” used as a verb (to parent, parenting) so much?

[IAmYoungerThanThatNow]

Why do I hate “parent” used as a verb so much?

”Your DH should parent his child”

”They needed step up and to do some parenting”

I loathe it but don’t know why. Does anyone else hate it and can they explain why?

(Lighthearted - I am not saying people shouldn’t say this commonly used idiom and do not judge people who do, I am just interested in understanding why I detest it so much 😂)

I don't like boob used as a verb. 'boobed baby to sleep'
Or childcare when they mean parenting. 'does DH take over childcare?'
Yuck.

I'm a teacher too, and am not trying to invalidate your experience but just wanted to say that mine is different. I teach in a big comp in an area of high deprivation for context - don't know if that makes a difference - but it's certainly my experience that the vast majority of parents try very hard to raise their kids to be basically well behaved, work hard, do well at school and be happy. Not all of them are in a position to give their kids all the opportunities they might like to, and the need to work long hours sometines gets in the way too, I think.

And of course there are some parents who, either due to their own MH or addiction problems or perhaps simply not caring, don't really give their kids any structure - and that can be really damaging.

But I do believe that most of our families fundamentally want to be the best parents they can, and really try.

Of course within that there can be a range of approaches. And it seems to me different approaches work for different kids - I can't say in all my decades of teaching I have been able to identify one stand-out correct way to "parent" all kids.

Really interesting….

my area is a primary in what would be considered high socioeconomic but we have so many problems as the kids have ZERO boundaries and respect.. We have parents that are so worried their little darlings will be upset with them, that their darlings are hard friggin work and interrupt teaching.

So very interesting to read your perspective

I don't like it as a verb either, because to me it feels like one in a long list of words traditionally used as nouns which are becoming verbs, often for marketing purposes, and which are becoming increasingly ridiculous. See - gifting, holidaying, familying, weekending, unLondoning.
That is not to say I don't think some parents should put more effort into bringing up their children well.

I agree - 'gentle parenting' is the pits. Not just the words themselves, but the entire concept.

Thank you. This is helpful.

But wwwwwhhhyyy?

Can you identify what your actual feeling is - fear, worry, anger, sadness - under the revulsion?

Dislike, mild nausea, annoyance, irritation but no loathing (Alan Partridge reference)

What's your view of your own parenting,
what's your view of how you were parented?

Cruel! As in the wording of your question when you know how it makes me feel.

I don’t think my feelings are related to my own experience of being a parent or child but I will ponder upon this question. Thank you.

I think it's a good word, useful for explaining that parenting is something you do, not just something you are.

A teacher teaches, a parent parents. A parent can parent effectively or ineffectively.

But on the other hand, a politician politicians, a priest priests, a musician musicians - we don’t say these.

This makes a lot of sense.

You could see it as a more positive and, importantly, as a unisex replacement for the verbs "mothering" (i.e. overdoing the nurturing, smothering) and "fathering" (rarely seen as anything more involved than *wham, bam, thank you Ma'am").

Interestingly I believe “makes my teeth itch” is hated by many a MN 😂

And why isn’t a table called a chair and a chair called a bookcase 🤦‍♀️

I hate to pick on you but this is an example of parenting being used in a very vague yet also pointed way. If DH was out at work earning the family’s income, for example, he would, in my mind, equally be being a parent to if he was at home looking after the children.

See - gifting, holidaying, familying, weekending, unLondoning.

This is interesting. I am pleased to say I have not yet heard familying and unLondoning and hope never to again.

It’s not the word as such, it’s usually the patronising, judgemental tone that’s used with it.

I find it a bit annoying too. This thread has prompted me to wonder what would be preferable. There is no obvious contender. A couple of generations ago, it would have been 'to bring up' eg 'They are bring their children up well' but it is narrower in focus than parenting.

It's a shame that gentle parenting, which is about speaking respectfully to your children, setting clear boundaries, being consistent, and explaining things has become 'lax and foolish parenting'. I was an actual gentle parent without realising it and but wouldn't use the term - other than here!

Interesting but as others have pointed out, it is very often not used in a positive way, at least on MN. It is often used disparagingly, in a superior tone and with a lot of assumptions.

Also, I’m not sure that I share the connotations you give for mothering and fathering. I see both as overwhelmingly positive words.

All very interesting. I’m glad I asked, some thought provoking responses to this vital question.

I suppose because “parent your child” is one of those overused phrases at the moment, in the same way that “reaching out” “showing up” “leaning in” etc get bandied about all the time - although I haven’t heard “reaching out” much lately.
I don’t object to actual “parenting” obviously - as in taking responsibility for your child - I just find its use a bit irritating, especially in judgment of other people whose views don’t necessarily align with yours.

I used to hate it as a verb, because I used to think that “parenting” your children should be as inevitable as breathing. What else is a parent supposed to do with their child other than parent them, I used to think. Such a fuss about nothing. No need to make it A Thing. It fell into the same bucket as “feeling a bit worried” becoming “having major anxiety”.

I now know that some parents do indeed need it to be A Thing, because otherwise they won’t do it. I don’t know why these parents need to pathologize and categorize and label things in order for them to pay attention to them (it’ll be social media and falling standards of living), but they do. So, I don’t mind the word so much now.

Yes, I think there is often a very patronising element to its use.

Hate leaning in. There are no circumstances in which it should be used unless talking about a physical position or a wonky object.

Agree about the overuse of parenting and the judgemental element. It’s used in a kind of “I’m not going to say exactly what I mean because it is SO obvious that my way is the only right way” when it’s actually not.

But wouldn’t it be more helpful for these parents for being a good, active and responsible parent to be discussed and encouraged in more specific terms than “parenting”?

Oh god OP- I feel so seen!!!

I absolutely loathe the term parenting.

It’s the ultimate Kevin-from-Motherland verb and implies lots of earnest reading of internet articles, hand-wringing over gentle techniques and snobbery about others and their less academically-informed approaches.

Emma Barnett from Radio 4 was on about refusing her child haribos at the airport duty free the other day - she didn’t just tell her child No, you can’t have any. Rather, she saw the display and ‘parented her way round’ the sweets stand. I can only imagine the negotiating, acknowledging, validating and restoration involved!!

Annoyingly when something irritates us more than the norm it's usually something about us rather than the thing itself!

Well yes. But that would take work and effort. “Parenting” as a verb comes from the world of 3 minute social media clips, self-help books that can be knocked out in 2 weeks with more pictures than words/ pastel colours/ drawings and illustrations, and websites such as….MN.

The best way teach parents to parent is by example. It’s difficult to engage in behaviour outside our realm of experience. People talk about the unfairness of generational wealth; far more important is the unfairness of generational good-parenting. Generational wealth will end in one generation without good parenting. Generational good parenting can lead to the building of generational wealth.