Am I just unlikeable?

[EverythingIsCrispy]

I’m feeling rather sorry for myself tonight. I found out a group of friends went out socially this weekend and I wasn’t invited. The majority of the group attend a hobby each week which I dip in and out of (not compulsory attendance) but would consider myself one of the group and the rest of the group I know through another means, but would say they are all my friends.
I have a solid group of friends at work that are a fantastic bunch but there is one that dislikes me. This seems to have been the case in most previous workplaces as well. There just seems to be one person or small group who seem to have issue with me, in each workplace the other colleagues have always said they’re just clicky or mean and not to worry.
My DH and I are going through a rough patch at the moment and although I’m sure we’ll come out the other side there are some days I’m not even sure if he likes me, although I don’t doubt that he loves me.
I have some really wonderful life long friends who I don’t see often enough that love me through thick and thin
I’m sure each of these things have happened to many people and I’m being a bit of a misery guts but I just feel a bit teary and broken. I’m not even sure what I want from starting this but I’m the strong, steady and reliable person in real life and I don’t want real life people to know I feel like this

On a training course I attended, we were told that 1 in 7 people just won’t like you. They just won’t like the cut of your jib or you might remind them of a relative they don’t get on with, the chemistry is off etc etc - could be anything.
I’ve no idea what the research was behind them sharing this but it has really helped me accept that I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok. Not a thing I can do about it. A liberating thought that helps me keep focusing on the people I do connect with.

@DearMartha On a training course I attended, we were told that 1 in 7 people just won’t like you. They just won’t like the cut of your jib or you might remind them of a relative they don’t get on with, the chemistry is off etc - could be anything.

That's interesting. Did they talk about how to handle situations where they take pot shots at you? My own inclination would be to ignore it, but in a group situation I think it can be easy for a dynamic to develop where someone becomes the scapegoat.

Oh I have someone at work who I’m sure dislikes me, no idea why! I’m part time she’s full time. The look she gave me in the kitchen area the other thought! Whoah!

I’ve had work people dislike me but I temped in contracts for a few years so had to be likeable and get on with people. At school i definitely wasn’t Little Miss Popular but funnily enough I did have a few close friends. I was actually told by my colleagues the other day that I’m calm and easygoing. I always offer to do work and do it well. I get on well with my colleagues though there is one who’s a bit “thanks love” and sunshine and sparkles and I’m not like that!

Friends and friendship groups well I just have a small group of friends. Could probably do with more but they’re enough for now. I have had larger friendship groups but inevitably someone falls out with someone else and I cba with drama anymore.

Ignore these people or just single out one or two to be friendly with. As you dip in and out of the hobby maybe they feel you’re not part of it? And didn’t invite you out with them.

Anyone like that I ignore them. I’ve had that in work on a contract once. Their problem not mine. In fact one guy (ex barrister now lawyer) I actually got him on my side and we ended up playing (me trying to keep up on the same team (doubles) with super competitive him!) in a table tennis match at a table tennis bar called Bounce. Company night out.

They didn’t talk about that aspect of it and I totally hear you about group dynamics and the challenge of how to ‘play’ that right. Within the course we talked about how we can’t control other people’s behaviour and can only control our own and how we react to other people. Part of that was looking at always responding to challenging behaviour from an ‘adult’ position but not sure that’s relevant to what you’re finding upsetting today?
It sounds like you’ve got lots of people who love you for you and I hope you can focus on them and not the ‘1 in 7’s that you can’t do anything about.

I've had that happen, luckily I have the hide of a rhino since I was about 40 so I just ignore them as if they are invisible. I have always got on with most people but
tqhere was one woman who came to work in my department who obviously didn't like me. I sometimes drove past her walking to work and stopped to give her a lift. When she started making sarcastic comments about me and snotty replies if I addressed her, I acted as though I couldn't hear. I saw her walking into work and just drove past. When she arrived she asked if I hadn't seen her and I said yes I did! She didn't really speak to me after that, which was the desired result!

I think your assessment of friendships sounds good.

• 1- 2 lifelong friends
• Smaller friendship groups based around hobbies/work
• Acquaintances
• The odd few who take exception but they are they are usually unhappy/lazy/jealous - and you are competent, intelligent and fabulous.

And everyone gets left out sometimes. Usually because an arrangement was made where you weren’t there and not because of an intentional decision to exclude you.

It’s tough when it’s not going so well at home, and then these things happen, they all compound. But try not to dwell on the few negatives. This is a moment of time and it’s going to pass, and another day the sun will be shining and you will be laughing with a friend, and you will be glad this weekend is behind you. And it will happen sooner than you think.

That’s a shame re the friends. I think we’ve all been in the position of not being invited to a party (as an adult) and wondering why. Or been left out of an arrangement.
If you have mates at work and longstanding ones I’m sure you’re fine.
Ive def had a couple of people at jobs take a dislike to me over the years and I’m sure I’ve disliked a few for no particular reason. Normally I’m well-liked so it’s just one of those things 🤷‍♀️
If all these things come at once then it’s going to get to you.

I would take the hostile person at work to one side and ask them if you have done anything to offend them and you would be happy to chat to management with them to resolve it . If it persists then take it to management. It’s always best to nip this in the bud before it escalates and others join in because they see you as an easy target . By the time it gets to this stage management see you as the problem.

You sound like you have some good solid friendships so I doubt you're inherently unlikeable.
Think about it from the other perspective, do you like everyone you work with or come into contact with?

I have a lot of friends but do meet some people who I know just don’t like me.
I really don’t waste time agonizing over it /just accept it and don’t attempt to win them over.

I don't know many people who don't have this problem to be honest, so it's definitely not just you!

I seem to get on with people older then me and not so much with people my age, it's been that way since high school. I have tried but ive always been told I've got an old head on young shoulders (Im hoping thats about my thoughts rather then appearance haha!)

I hope you take reassurance from the thread that you aren't unlikeable.

I think you’re all probably right. The hobby thing is probably that I don’t go often enough to spring to mind when the message was sent out, although I suppose if I’m honest I’m hurt they didn’t think of me.
Work relationships are always a bit tricky. I work in a very people focused role and receive great feedback from clients and most other colleagues so will go with the tricky ones being the one in seven!
It’s dragging up some old feelings of rejection that I’m usually tough enough to handle- narcissistic mother and a breakdown of a friendship group as a 12 year old where I became the scapegoat and was then bullied by them for much of my teen years.
You never know what’s going on in someone’s life though. I went through some life changing events in my late teens but decided to thrive not fail. From the outside you would see I hold a professional job and you’d think I am confident and outgoing. Nobody knows the vulnerable me, not even my best friends

Sounds completely normal tbh, we don't love every person we meet and vice versa. Maybe if you're having a rough patch with your DH you're feeling a bit vulnerable and questioning yourself?
That said, it would be hurtful to most people to find out a group had gone out without inviting you, but as you say, you dip in and out.
The job I do has people love me or hate me, 'marmite' some might say, and it takes a lot to just accept it is what it is.

I can't imagine liking everyone and everyone liking me. That would be odd imho.
As long as everyone at work is civil. I have few people at work I really fucking dislike, but I am civil and professional. Woukd never soend timr with thrm if I had a choice. I just don't chat to them outside of work needed doing. Some do that with me and sure they feel likeI do about some. I think it's fine and normal. We can't like everyone!

I have a lot of friends, many for 30 years and one for 55 years from first day of primary school. It hasn’t happened often to me but I can think of a few times where they are just not that in to me. First time in my early twenties I did feel upset about it. Now I’m older and curmudgeonly I just shoulder shrug and feel nothing.

With the hobby group I think that some people can be very out of sight out of mind if that makes sense. You do get times when a person is singled out and excluded from a group but I think it happens far more often for things like the above or by people wrongly assuming things like that they won't be interested or it's too expensive or too far away.

Are you feeling better this morning? I read that if you feel that everyone hates you, you’re tired and need to sleep; if you hate everyone, you’re hungry and need to eat; if you hate the world and worry that everyone hates everyone, you need to go outside.

I know it’s glib and trite but it made me laugh, plus promoting to eat and sleep and get into nature isn’t going to do any harm, so thought I would share.

For what it’s worth, it sounds as if you’re doing fine with friendships and, while you’re allowed to be upset if you feel left out, you have several groups of friends you get on well with and that’s the opposite of unlikeable.

You are likeable, you have lifelong friends.
The hobby group is because you don’t go every week.
Treat the one at work who doesn’t like you as if they are invisible and don’t them any head space. Concentrate on the work people that are your friends.
Maybe try and arrange something fun with your DH.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and reality checks over the past 24 hours. I had a right old cry which is most unlike me. The messages and a good nights sleep has helped.
I’m a little wounded but need to dust myself off and be grateful for the wonderful people I have around me.
Thank you all again ☺️

I’m lucky I don’t have anything to do with my hostile colleague. I’ve been bullied in the past though so am wary of that. There’s a strict no bullying culture though, mentioned in my HR induction which is good.

Would you see your life long friends soon?