30, need to leave a difficult family situation but don’t know where to even start

[GirlAndTheWhiteRabbit]

So, I don’t really know where else to turn and I feel rather embarrassed. I think I just need some outside perspective and some practical advice on what my next steps could be, because I don’t really have anyone in my life I can ask.

I’m 30, in a very early new LDR, work full time in a respectable field and have a degree. My father has passed away and my mother has struggled with her mental health for as long as I can remember. She also suffers from seizures, bipolar disorder and depression.

Because of her health and other family circumstances, I’ve spent a large part of my life feeling responsible for looking after her and my younger siblings. Over the years, that has meant supporting the family emotionally and financially, often at the expense of my own life.

I’ve covered expenses when I honestly probably couldn’t afford to, put off saving, and generally prioritised my family over building any security for myself. Even the occasional times I’ve travelled or done something for myself, I’ve been made to feel extremely guilty about it and that replays in my mind.

I realise now that some of the financial decisions I made weren’t sensible. My credit isn’t great as a result, although I’m working on rebuilding it slowly. I never really had anyone to teach or advise me about finances or what I should be doing, so most things I’ve had to figure out and navigate myself.

Recently, the situation at home has become much worse, and I’ve reached the point where I know I need to leave.

My relationship with my mother can be extremely difficult and, at times, abusive. I’ve spent years trying not to take the things she says personally because I understand that she has significant mental health problems. But when you hear the same put downs repeatedly for years, eventually they start affecting the way you see yourself. More recently there have also been threats to my safety, and I don’t think continuing to live here is healthy or sustainable for me anymore. To confirm, she is only like this with me and not my other siblings, which I find incredibly painful considering I love them all so much.

My family is in Central London and my mother doesn’t own the property we live in.

I earn a reasonable salary, so I know I’m fortunate in that respect. However, I don’t have significant savings and I’m still repairing my credit. I would love to buy somewhere eventually, but realistically I don’t think I’m ready for a mortgage yet. I don’t even have a 5% deposit saved and the odd people I’ve spoken to (mostly colleagues or friends) have advised me not to rush into buying.

So I think my immediate priority needs to be finding a way to move out. I’m constantly looking online, but I feel overwhelmed and genuinely don’t know where to start.

I understand that staying in London, particularly near my family, might not be realistic financially. I’m willing to move further away if that’s what it takes, although the thought of leaving my younger siblings behind breaks my heart. At the same time, I’m beginning to realise that I can no longer sacrifice my entire life trying to protect everyone else.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to get out and rebuild their life?

If you were in my position at 30, with a full time income but limited savings and imperfect credit, what would you do first?

I think what I’m really looking for is some reassurance that there is a way forward, but also practical advice about what I should actually do next.

In full transparency, I just feel super trapped and suffocated by it all and the feeling is intensifying. In no way do I blame my family, if anything I’m mad at myself for allowing this all to happen.

Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read and any / all advice is appreciated.

Where is your partner? Could you move in that direction? I think staying in London is unrealistic, given the housing market. I’d make myself available to siblings if they want to visit, but it’s time for you to do what you want. You’re not the parent in this situation. Live your life.

Hey, thank you. To be honest, It’s still pretty early days but he lives abroad rather than in the UK, so unfortunately I don’t think it really makes sense at this stage!

There are wise MNetters and good (free or low cost) resources on the ‘Stately Homes’ threads in the relationships section.

What ages are your younger siblings? Can you be honest, to an extent, with them about the difficulties with your Mum and how it affects each of you, without it getting back to your Mum?

Do you have outside support in real life?

Would focus hard on your financials, job and your housing options, eg lodging or a room in a shared rental.

Sadly, given your financial situation a LDR with someone living in another country doesn’t seem sensible.

I wouldn’t stay in London. I would look for a job first, then a rental property and then concentrate on building your credit score and getting savings established. Manchester, Leeds, Birmingham - all vibrant cities.

You can’t stay with your mum despite her health issues, and she must realise that she’s not being fair on you. Good luck.

You’re only 30, time to grab life with both hands and start having a good time.

Thank you!

My youngest sibling is 11, and I also have a teenage sibling and another in their early twenties. They witness our relationship, and although I have a great relationship with all of them, I really try to shelter and protect them from as much as I can.

In all honesty, no, I don’t really have much real life support. I genuinely wish I did.

Absolutely. My main focus right now is solely on saving and progressing in my career. I was actually promoted recently and I haven’t even shared that with anyone because I just feel like I can’t.

Thankfully, we met through work, so he travels here often and we FaceTime regularly. Because of that, the relationship doesn’t really affect me financially.

But I do completely agree in the sense that a relationship certainly isn’t my main focus right now. If anything, it offers me a little escape and a bit of happiness amongst everything else!

You sound like you’re doing great!

Given your job is going well, youngest sibling’s age and your mum I think I’d try to stay in London and find the cheapest possible OK flatshare. Or if it’s cheaper to live at home save as much as you can, stay at home, and use money you’d otherwise spend on rent for counselling with someone well qualified.

Regarding your mum I mean that it’s likely she’s not a great parent to your 11 year old sibling, so if you can stand it it’d be good for you and the 20 something one to be close by for the youngest.

Thank you, Lexy!

I’m really fortunate that my job allows me to work remotely, so I’m definitely going to explore my options in these cities.

Oh honestly, for such a long time I’ve wanted her to acknowledge things and just be a little fairer with me. I think I’m slowly coming to accept that the acknowledgement I’ve hoped for may never come.

I completely agree. I think my biggest struggle is that I doubt myself and my decisions so much, which makes it difficult to trust my own judgement, even when deep down I know what feels right!

Aw, thank you so much. I really appreciate your message, and I’ll definitely keep considering and reassessing my options.

I think a lot of her resentment towards me comes from the fact that she feels I’m “mothering her,” while at the same time I’ve also taken on a lot of the mothering role with my siblings. I’ve never done that to undermine her or take her place; I’ve simply stepped in because someone has needed to.

I think that’s part of what makes it so difficult. My siblings are able to see her as a great parent because I’ve tried to shield them from so much and fill in the gaps where I can. Meanwhile, I seem to absorb a lot of the anger and resentment behind the scenes.

You sound very young and unaware, but you are blaming others for the choices you've made. In particular, saying no one told you or advised you about finances, have you never asked for advice or just listened to other people talking about their circumstaces? When you did your degree, presumably there were broke young people who got round it by part time work or cheaper housing?

Many young people leave home and move into a house or flatshare. The ones that want the least deposit, and are often cheaper, are single people or families who just want someone to help with household bills.

I guess I sound harsh but the answer is just do it. Ask around at work if someone wants a lodger. Forget about mortgages and your own place for now, that can be a way of putting things off. In fact, i have a young family member who at 40 is still living with her mother because she hasn't found the right place to buy in 15 years. Refuses to rent because that is a waste of money ....

i can’t comment on your relationship with your DM except to say it sounds really difficult and I hope you find a way through it.

Practically speaking though I would find a flat share in London to begin with while you find your feet. Lots of young professionals in their 20s and 30s share in London often with people who are initially strangers. You might also find yourself a social group and some fun which is sounds like your current situation is lacking. Yes it’ll stop you building your savings so fast but you’re still young and you deserve a life.

Get counselling from a charity or from your employer. This is a big decision to change your approach and it can feel like bereavement, for not having the mother it may seem others have or you deserve.

Get advice what you can do to improve your credit rating.

Take small steps towards the life you want and be open as you may not even know what you'd want when you have lived your life for so long supporting others.

Thank you for your message. In all honesty, no, I haven’t ever really asked anyone for help. I don’t have much of an in person support system, particularly when it comes to things like housing.

Financially, even since university, I’ve taken the brunt of the decision making for myself and the family and unfortunately that’s where some of the mess has come from. I’m certainly not blaming anyone else, as ultimately I know that some of the choices I made weren’t the best ones.

Funnily enough, I was often surrounded by people who were in much more secure family and financial situations. I didn’t always feel that I could relate to them and I think embarrassment meant that I never really disclosed how much I was struggling or what my circumstances were.

I also don’t think you sound harsh at all. I genuinely appreciate your approach, as I think sometimes you need someone to be open, honest and straightforward with you.

I am exploring my housing options and I’m not against renting at all. My main concern was whether any negative credit history I have might affect my ability to rent, so that’s something I’m trying to understand and navigate at the moment!

If you've not had people who to go to for advice, there may be benefits for your mum or options you are not aware of.

Stay with your current job, it is stable and that is important at a time of change. If it is all WFH then look at moving just outside London so you can get back to support siblings if need be . Places like Milton Keynes Bedford Wellingborough Leighton Buzzard have quick train links. Just find a room in an HMO - its cheaper and is your own space. Then you can build up a credit and rental history. Consolidate any debt you have and make sure you make the monthly repayments. There is no rush to buy a house yet you are young and still have many opportunities ahead of you once you leave the toxic environment.

Spare room is a great place to start

It’s often part of dysfunctional families that the sibling relationships are affected. Siblings can have very different experiences.

You don’t need to ‘protect’ your adult, younger siblings now that they’re adults. You and they can look out for the youngest.

Professional counselling could be useful.

Thank you! I did see your other post and I am exploring counselling as I believe I will benefit greatly. You are 100% right, I do believe there is more external support my mother could receive.

Hey!

Thank you! Yes, I definitely plan to stick with them for as long as I can. Staying with the company has benefited me greatly so far and I’m really grateful for the stability it gives me.

My role is actually moving to permanent WFH, so thankfully I have quite a bit of flexibility when it comes to where I relocate. Thank you so much for the suggestions, I’m going to have a look at those now.

I’ve also consolidated all of my debt and, thankfully, I don’t have too much left to pay off before I’m completely debt free.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond and for being so kind!

I think your priority now is to find somewhere else to live, maybe a flat share or small rental flat? I would look outside of London, for somewhere cheaper. You need to get away from your mother, you are not responsible for her. You can keep in touch with your siblings and contact social services if you have concerns for their welfare.

I would think twice about working remotely all the time if you are moving to new area- it can be very isolating. If you could work in the office at least a few times a week, then you will at least have some real human contact. A room in a flat or house share might be more sociable than just renting a room in an HMSO.
Hiwever you do it, it does sound like it is time for you to move out of your mother’s home and get some breathing space and freedom for yourself. It is part of the progression of life, it is not being selfish, and you have a right to spread your own wings and forge an independent life. Your mother’s mental health problems may make it difficult, and I wonder if you might want to flag up her needs to her GP and maybe your siblings schools if you feel they will need extra support once you go.

Do you get on with the 20 something sibling? If they are ready to move out it might be beneficial to pool finances and rent somewhere together.