Is it normal to miss out financially when caring for disabled children?

[Namechangejustforthisthread5]

I am a carer for disabled DC

So I've not worked in a very long time .. despite having good qualifications.
So DH ,went on holiday aboard with mates .. despite never getting passports for DC when C
He also spent 3 grand getting laser eyesight..this was for a job that he stayed in 6 months
And another £3/4 grand on another job ,this job he never took up ,but has the qualifications
I went with the same glasses for 7 years , because I have a difficult prescription and it makes it very expensive and no money
I wanted to go back to uni and do a degree that would further qualified me ,but there was no money .
I also don't have a private pension.. because no money.
To my ultimate shame I have hidden from everyone in my life ..but I have partial dentures.. eating disorder and childhood neglect contributed to loosing teeth .
There was no money for me to have root canal so they had to come out .
DH has returned from the dentist
He needs a root canal or tooth removal
Cost is £800 ,he's putting it on a credit card .
I don't have a credit card so I couldn't do that ..
I can't even really say anything, because I can't admit how many teeth I'm missing,he knows I had one removed because I didn't have money,but I've hidden the others from everyone.
Is this normal when you don't work because your kids have disabilities .

Not when your married!
that’s abusive behaviour and needs stopped.

he has that money because you’re caring for your kids!!

No, this is what happens in a financially abusive relationship. None of that is ok.

No. For many couples money goes into one pot and bills are paid out them equal amount each for other expenses. Why is your DH so mean? I couldn’t live with a man like that. It has nothing to do with you being a carer. I was a SAHM and did not have to ask my DH for money to buy glasses or get dental work!

No your situation isnt normal. Your DH is an ass.

Even if this was over 20 years so not everything recently

Two big spends were for jobs ..

So most SAHM have private pension?

Not at all if your household income can afford it. I am the one who is disabled. I don’t currently work and do most of the childcare during school holidays, though Dh and I very 50/50 the rest of the time. Dh pays all our bills as the only earner (I don’t claim any benefits at all). He also sends me £1000 a month personal spending money. Out of that, I pay for solo holidays and hobbies and anything else I want to spend money on, like private healthcare or clothes or a coffee when out. Yes, I do have a private pension, but it’s from my years of working. I actually don’t pay into it currently (may never live long enough to collect it so I’ve paused it), but that’s something I’d pay into from personal spending money too, just like dh does.

You know full well everything you typed there is not normal and nor is it acceptable.

Instead of distracting yourself by asking questions you already know the answer to, you need to focus on what you're going to do about the shit show relationship you're stuck in.

I think a private pension for the SAHM would be unusual, unless very comfortable and financially savvy. Most married couples would assume the pension will support them both, or on divorce it’s part of the financial considerations.

But the rest of it is abusive. Whether it was 20 years ago or not. Are you still married to him?

I think £3k on laser eye surgery probably works out at good value in the long term, given the price of glasses, but the discrepancy between you is absolutely absurd.

You are married and have a shared child. You should have equal access to all family income.

My husband and I have always put everything into a shared pot and taken out what we needed (though we discuss big amounts first). That was just as true when he was the only earner (I was a SAHM for two years) as when I was the bigger earner. There is no “his” and “my” money. It is all ours.

Sounds like financial abuse. I assume it’s also his child. Why didn’t you discuss finances at the point you realised you couldn’t go back to work. How much of it is because you haven’t spoken up? Did you discuss paying into a pension when you stopped work and he said no? Did you discuss code of root canal and he said we can’t afford?

Disabled children tend to mean a huge hit to family finances (and often a hit to marriages, a huge % of men leave). But in your circumstances you have a DH problem.

I have no idea if most SAHM are paying into private pensions - I suspect not - but if you’re at home doing important work for the family then you get to benefit from any pension provision that the family has, surely?

My public sector pension will likely be better than my partners private sector one but I’m not going to sit on mine and watch them struggle.

No, they don’t. Several friends are very surprised that my pension has continued to be paid into since I became a SAHP to our DD due to her health needs.

You need to sit down and speak to your husband about finances. It is possible over the years you’ve got used to not asking and he’s got used to you not asking.

However, outwardly it sounds very financially unequal and possibly abusive.

DH and I pool everything in one pot - his wage, my carers allowance and anything else - and then when it comes to personal money we take equal amounts. You shouldn’t be going without essentials like teeth and glasses while he’s going on holidays, that’s outrageous and if he’s not absolutely mortified and heartbroken when it’s pointed out to him then you should be escaping him permanently!

Do your children disabilities means work is absolutely impossible? Because you're always better working if your partner is not willing to share all the finances.

I have a severely disabled daughter (13years old) and have been unable to work for 4 years now. There is simply no one else that can care for her, lift her, change her etc. We visit hospital every week or so which means I would be a total burden on a workplace. So I understand a bit about where you are coming from. The difference is that I have a DH who absolutely understands that we are a team and would never see me go with less than him. Please don't see what you are going through as anything less than financial abuse.

I am a SAHM to a disabled child and this is absolutely not ok. His wages and the benefits we get all go into a joint account and we both have what we need, haircuts, dentist treatments, glasses etc all come from that joint account.

Have you had any of these conversations with your DH? Does he know that you wanted to go to uni and was he involved in deciding that as a family you couldn’t afford it? Have you discussed your household plans for financing your lives together in retirement if you have just state pension?

It could be that he’s financially abusive, it could be that you’ve hidden your needs so well he doesn’t know they exist or somewhere in between those 2 but it definitely seems like something you need to fix.

No. That is financial abuse.

It is normal for a family to have less funds when there is a disabled child. The adults especially share that deprivation equally.

your husband is only able to earn money because you are caring for his child. Every bit he earns is as much yours as his. At least that is what happens in a healthy marriage.

No. That sounds like financial abuse.

I'm full-time carer to disabled DC and haven't worked for a decade and a half. All DH's salary goes into a joint account and all bills are paid from that. My carers' allowance goes into the same account. Earlier in our lives he took time out of work to retrain, and at another point so did I, both with the household funds paying. I've had to spend ££££ on dental work that he's not. The family pot pays. He's occasionally gone away for a night or two to see friends. I don't, but if I had wanted to, the family pot would have paid in the same way. I do have some minor niggles around how we do our finances, but they really are minor compared with what you're describing.

I don't have a private pension though I do have some pension from previous jobs. DH has a very good pension.

It’s very common scenario for numerous reasons
full time carers often spend entire lives putting everyone else first ahead of themselves so it becomes ingrained habit
many men leave the relationship where children are disabled and leave the woman to do it all - Thats very very common.

you may have made a calculated decision subconsciously that if you start asking to share the money - your husband won’t be at all amenable to the idea, and you would rather not rock the boat, keep quiet about unfairness and have a roof over your head at least!

I think it’s unfair though - would be better / fairer to pool all the household income so it can be shared equally

OP - if you’re think of all the families you know in similar position to you - how many are single parents / married?

Is it normal that having a disabled child means that the family miss out on other things because of reduced disposable income - absolutely. Should it be, in an ideal world probably not. But we’re a long way from ideal.

Should one parent miss out on more than the other? No.

Should there be a joined up discussion about budget and debt? Yes.

He's financially abusing you. Divorce and take him for everything. Little bustard.

I’m confused are you married is it his child ? Either way doesn’t make much of a difference why are you living in poverty while he does as he pleases?