Struggle to set boundaries - please help

[Icedwhitemochaa]

28yo woman with adhd and aspergers diagnosed as a teenager. Married with a 4 and 2 yo

I struggle with setting boundaries in regards to my family. My parents, and I'm very grateful, loves my kids so much. But opinions can be very overbearing and sometimes tries to tell me what to do. Very judgemental

A small example when my eldest was a baby, 3 months old, we went to see DH'S very old grandma. I put DS in a babygrow as he was due a nap. Sent my family a lovely picture of DH grandma and 3mo DS in and she replies "you havent taken him to see people in a babygrow have you? You need to put outfits on him" very small example here

With food. My kids are healthy within proportion and range but as they were born big they've stayed as higher centile kids , again healthy and proportioned but she gives in whenever they ask for a sweet treats. I lecture a little here as I was an overweight child and ended up with an ED. She insists I wasn't however i was being fed adult size take aways even at 6/7 for lunch. I was left with old grandparents so wasnt active as they couldnt take me anywhere and lived in a flat
They did their best but I watch their food and like to reduce screen time. Let them be kids and play

And I say I try to set the boundary. It ends up in my mum saying im being obstructive and picking a fight and my father then scolding me.

The only time ive followed through is 2 years ago in our new home I did christmas dinner for my family, opened the invitation but no one accepted. However my family berated me and said I was selfish and its christmas I should take my kids and have dinner there etc. It was so stressful they called me all kinds I was crying to DH about it but he helped me stand my ground and we did have our Christmas dinner at our new home as a little family!

But any tips on being more firm welcome. And getting my message across- feel like that's more the issue at hand?

Your father has no business scolding you. You're an adult, not a naughty child. Who does he think he is? Your mother is just as bad. They have no right to tell you what to do. Have they always been so horribly bossy?

Your DH sounds lovely, and he seems to understand really well.

Would it help you to think of it in different terms? Your parents are still treating you like a child, and you're allowing them to. You're all stuck in the past. Think less about boundaries, (they'll fall into place with time if you reset the relationship) and more about calm assertiveness.

"You havent taken him to see people in a babygrow have you"
"Yes, I did. We had a great day. Did you know DHs grandma used to..." You take control of the conversation at that point. Your mum's comment about baby clothes is completely meaningless to you. Don't explain anything. Don't justify anything. You're an adult, you made a choice you were happy with. You don't need parental approval. Don't allow her to think you do. Don't allow yourself to think that you do

With the sweets for your kids... You've said your bit. Your mum disagrees with you. That's fine, she's allowed a different opinion and to remember things differently to how you do. Stop lecturing. If you're present when she gives in to requests you want her to say no to, then you say no to your children, because you're their mum and you're an adult. Talk to the kids, not your mum say
"That's very kind of grandma, but Our rule is no sweets untill the weekend isn't it, I'll save them until then" and put them in your bag. Allow your kids to get upset about it. Allow your mum to get upset about it. But don't have a conversation or debate. If she's doing it when you're not there then tell her she can only see them alone when you're happy for them to eat sweets unless she changes her ways.

Thanks all :)

Yeah and regarding the sweet stuff or TV she also then says to my kids "awww I know but your mummy said no" so I'm the big bad wolf type of situation

It irks me a little and I'm very grateful as they' adore my kids and are amazing with them

But dont seem to respect me as a parent

They won't respect you as a parent until they respect you as an adult

Honestly I understand you find it hard but your the parent now and you not speaking up about behaviours that you think do not align with.how you want your kids raised is detrimental to them.
I remember when a family member told me my 2 yer old would be forward facing in their car from now on because they didn’t believe in e tended rear facing. He’s almost 5 now and never be in their car agsin

Op, I think you sound like a really kind and gentle soul, and maybe these people take advantage of it. Stick to your boundaries and let them be disgruntled, they will have to get used to how things will be going forward.