At the end of my tether with DS

[Ahhffs]

I'm a single parent with 2 children, a 9 year old and a 13 year old. I knew it would be hard when they were smaller but it's not getting any easier and I don't know how much more I can cope with.
13 year old DS is autistic and has adhd, he goes to a sen school. He is really hard work and he won't even try to follow any rules, it's like talking to a brick wall and it's starting to feel like I will have to follow him around like a toddler forever. He doesn't have learning difficulties, he has the ability to understand and follow rules he just doesn't seem to think he should have to unless he agrees with the rules basically.
Obviously I understand that with his adhd he will do things impulsively and forget some things- which I would be understanding of if he ever even tried to listen to me.
in September I was going to do an access course, which would mean 3 mornings a week I would need to leave 15 minutes before him and be home about an hour after him. After his behaviour so far this summer Im not sure I'm going to be able to.
I feel like I'm being held hostage, he doesn't even sleep and won't leave me alone in the middle of the night. Every half an hour until 3am he's coming in asking me if he can watch tv.
then as soon as he opens his eyes in the
morning wants me to get things for him even if I am still asleep he doesn't care.
How do I make a teenage boy with adhd and asd listen and try to follow the rules?? Or atleast acknowledge that I'm a human and need to be able to sleep and leave the house??

I would ask for a referral to a paediatrician to see if they will prescribe melatonin.

What does he do? Hobbies/activities/chores etc? My now adult dsd with audhd needed a constantly filled schedule to stay regulated at that age and actually she still does she just fills it herself.

Do the access course, the independence and trust could help him.

i think he is due an adhd nurse appointment soon I'm going to ask about melatonin as last time she did say if sleep gets worse she could prescribe it. Wether he'll take it or not is a different question

He likes cycling, making things with his 3D printer, he goes to a neurodivergent Minecraft club on Saturdays in term time and an autism group social club once every few weeks. I have signed him up for cadets in September in the hopes it will help him learn some kind of responsibility and give him something to do.
hr won't do scouts because he got kicked out of beavers when he was little and refuses to try again

Is his ADHD medicated?

I don’t have concrete suggestions but wanted to send a hug of support and I hope you can find a way to do your access course.

Only on school days because he flatly refuses any other time to take it

All great things to keep his mind and body busy.

For dsd we had to do a minute by minute schedule, so put in all those big activities and filled in the gaps with anything else we could think of so things like cleaning teeth, making bed, having a glass of water, playing with the cat, putting shoes and coat away etc were scheduled in. It was very specific and gave her no time to be bored and not know what to do which is when she ended up being destructive, she also just wouldn’t have been able to think of and complete those simple tasks on her own.

Does he have any chores/responsibilities at the moment? Dsd needed body doubling for everything at that age, so she could only do things like shower, wash up or change her bedsheets if someone was sat next to her talking to her. Even though you still have to be there it takes huge pressure off from actually having to do everything for them.

Hoping it gets easier for you.

It sounds like you’re facing an incredibly difficult situation, and, understandably, you are feeling exhausted. Supporting a teenager with ADHD and autism can be challenging, particularly when you are managing everything as a single parent. I really hope you can find the right support around you, because you shouldn’t have to manage all of this alone.