Why, so some mothers abuse daughters ? It's really the Why I want to get to

[NewLeafNewStart]

I understand what the abuse is
Pitting you against siblings, gas lighting, comparison, chronic criticism, competing with you, smear campaigns, spreading lies and rumors etc, trying to divide and rule etc, controlling
Telling you things people have supposedly said about you etc

I get this is all abuse

But what instill can't figure out is why ?
I'm sure people will say doesn't matter why, but that's what I'm actually interested in,

I know all you can really do is distance physically and mentally, and accept this will never change

I have a gut feeling its insecurity and envy maybe internalised misogyny
But interested in other thoughts as to why they can be like this

It was impossible, she's one of those controlling people who puts conditions on everything & makes threats to leave him and take him for all of their nothing every time they disagree, she's a really toxic piece of work. My dad is lovely but weak willed and just wants a quiet life no drama, so he gives in to whatever she wants to keep her quiet.

Interesting to hear the golden child perspective, I do think that kinda guilt could feel just as bad

Interesting about the hyper vigilance, as think that effects mayne in different ways, like for me, soon as I think someone is being a bit toxic, I'm done.

So hard isn't it, thats why I'm still low contact, as I know if I worth fully nc, it would cause alot of drama and damage other relationships

I wonder if tour dad was very honest and reflected on his life what he would day about it all, I bet she's made his life hell lot

My mother is a narcissist

It's how her brain is wired (her own mother was the same and my mother genuinely thinks she did everything differently (she was the scapegoat-i grew up watching her try to be the 'favourite' and she never succeeded)

She didn't at all-she did exactly the same crap,from the scapegoat (me) to the invisible child (two of my brothers) and the golden child (another brother)

I'm now nc with the whole family (they are too scared of her to stand up to her) and back her up

She has smeared my name with lies like I'm an alki,am a druggie,will steal from you and will shag any bloke that moves (all lies) but she has her enablers that back her up in her quest to blacken my name

She made sure she married my (weak) father and chased all his friends away so they couldn't help him/he wouldn't leave her (then had us to really make sure he was really trapped)

He has no life at all now (cant say I'm that bothered,it's his choice,he could have stood up to her and didnt-he shoved us in the firing line to save himself)

My brother (the golden child) can do no wrong-he is a drug/sex addict (who would take her last penny for drugs) and is praised to high heaven for every move he makes (they are scared of him) and the other two just keep their heads down and do everything that she demands to keep her off their backs

They have also tried to turn so many other people against me (and have succeeded in many cases-i have a sister in law who hates me,I've never met her) and have tried to stage a hate campaign against dp and when that didn't work,they've tried to split us up (didn't work but waiting for the next attack)

She really thinks she's broken the cycle and cannot understand why I walked away from her as she was 'a perfect parent who did everything so differently' but wants unlimited sympathy from everyone for her 'hard childhood'

She hasn't broken it,she carried it forward,I have broken it (she does know this but will never admit it) so that makes me the enemy

"She hasn't broken it,she carried it forward,I have broken it (she does know this but will never admit it) so that makes me the enemy"

That is the funny thing, you do know deep down she knows you've actually succeeded

I really don't know, he used to stand up to her and stick up for me when I was really young but as the years went on he got so drained by her, he chose the quiet life. I think if he had ever left her for any reason she would make his life an even worse living hell, she makes a drama out everything. She has fell out with all of my siblings over the years but they make up because they know how she will act if they don't. I chose to walk away but she would still scream obscenities at me if she saw me in town and a couple of times she walked in to the bar I was working in and tried to make a scene in there too. Thankfully I don't live in the same country anymore so I'm safely out of reach.

One thing I've noticed, about toxic mothers is that often they have no life, I don't particularly mean work, I mean friends hobbies and interests

Their hobby is hurting others !

Have you noticed this too?

In my case it is plain jealousy

my mum always wants to stand out and be different and noticed. Being a mixed race child in the 70’s I did stand out. I was also a better dancer (right build for ballet, my mum is a large build) and I was prettier

When I was little she gained attention because I did as I got older she just saw me as competition. She was extremely jealous any compliment I got she had to receive one too and never ever complimented me, made a lot of little digs nothing too obvious

She even said her boyfriend was trying to make her jealous when I told her he made a pass at me (I was 16) and she stayed with him

I just can’t get my head around being anything but proud of my ds. My mum often says I will be jealous of his girlfriends, not felt this at all they have been lovely

My mother, self hatred, jealousy and the fact i didn't turn out to be who she'd decided I'd be.

I believe "hurt people hurt people". A person is in pain, and wants everyone around them in pain as well. Somehow it feels "fair" like this.

This is just my reading. Once I heard that people always try to make others feel like they are feeling and it made a lot of sense! (People who are insecure try to make others insecure, and the same goes for jealous people, happy people, confident people, etc)

Glad to hear you manged to get far away

Yes i there's alot to be said for the simple truths like misery loves company

Yes, but I think that being introverted with extroverted children (coupled with the other points mentioned) can be very destructive to the mother child bond.
My mother had too many children to cope with emotionally. She was touched out, needed a break, had enough. Other resources were there, but she found expressions of extroversion embarrassing/infuriating/ brought out the mean streak. I remember seeing her aged 10 be really nice and kind to one of my cousins who had ripped up his knees. We would never have received that consideration. I don’t think she enjoyed being a mother.

Who do you think she wanted you to be ?

I think my mum wanted me to live a shit life, struggle to make ends meet, work like a slave, have a shit marriage and shit relationship with my kids, as growing up she stuff like just you wait till you've got your own kids etc
Then I think, if I had the shit life she wanted me too, she would then enjoy telling me oh suck it up, this is just how life is......

Thankfully my life isn't like that

Was that for show though, in front of others?

If I ever laughed or joked about as a young child, I would get told stop being so wet

She was also extremely tight fisted too

you are never going to get that answer , even if you could give her truth serum/ hypnosis/ drunk. Crawl inside her brain … you will never get a clear answer - maybe mum doesn’t not know either

self hatred
her childhood patterns

control
trauma
gets a kick
mindless
narcissism
autism
psycho (no empathy )
boredom
etc
all the above
none of the above

They were abused by their own Mother

My mother felt that because my dad was the "angry" one she would automatically be the good one.

But to deal with my dad she just seemed to zone out when he was around. Forgetting that it was her job to protect her kids from his moods, or bullying. Forgetting that she still needed to provide the necessities, even though she probably dissociated as a self preservation mechanism.

But you can't be so passive when you have kids. They need protection, support and to be provided with the essentials, regardless on whether you chose to remain in an unhappy marriage. Neglect is neglect, and whilst I had sympathy for what she was dealing with, she had the autonomy to be able to get us out of that situation - but she chose to keep us there. My sibling and I were children who were trapped, had no control over our lives, and we relied on her to get us out.

I remember walking to primary school with my mum, and asking her to leave my dad. And of course she didn't.

Ironically I find that it is harder to have an easy relationship now with my mum than my dad, which I do find curious.

Wow the staying with the boyfriend after that is like a whole another level of betrayal

Think they find it hard to understand not everyone thinks the way they do

Interesting list

I think it maybe parts she just enjoys it
Part evil
Part psychopath
Part unhealed trauma (never been told anything about that)
Certainly can't seem to help it or control it
Envy
Self hatred
Wired wrong
Undiagnosed personality disorder
Boredom finds it entertaining

Yes that is curious, perhaps it because it seems so unnatural for a nmothrr to behave this way yet maybe less shocking for a father to?

I was a victim of this. Really severe abuse. I’ve had so much therapy.

My desperation to know why has been really hard as of course not only would she never give me an answer she would gaslight me and deny any wrongdoing.

I managed to figure out myself that she is narcissistic and very jealous. When she had me it shifted my father’s focus , he adored me and she hated that. She didn’t want me to be friends with my younger sister so used her against me. She was clearly jealous of me when I was a teenager and she was in perimenopause as she would tell me she was better/prettier/thinner at the same age and would get out photos to show me and tried every way to make me feel ugly.

Or they do the opposite and cause problems in the other way e.g. grandmother is intrusive, mother is neglectful.

Need for control, lack of ability to feel empathy, jealousy, boredom, bitterness, lack of emotional regulation - some people should just never have children

Jealousy for attention from the father. Envious of the daughter's youth.