Why, so some mothers abuse daughters ? It's really the Why I want to get to

[NewLeafNewStart]

I understand what the abuse is
Pitting you against siblings, gas lighting, comparison, chronic criticism, competing with you, smear campaigns, spreading lies and rumors etc, trying to divide and rule etc, controlling
Telling you things people have supposedly said about you etc

I get this is all abuse

But what instill can't figure out is why ?
I'm sure people will say doesn't matter why, but that's what I'm actually interested in,

I know all you can really do is distance physically and mentally, and accept this will never change

I have a gut feeling its insecurity and envy maybe internalised misogyny
But interested in other thoughts as to why they can be like this

Suspect they enjoying having a punchbag/scapegoat, someone they can unleash there unhappy feelings onto

Self hatred and they see the daughter as an extension of themselves so they hate the daughter too?

Jealousy that their daughter is a better version of them so they try and bring them down a peg

Yes I think self hatred is a big part of it

Oh yes, 100percent

Not comprehending that just because they gave birth to them, that doesn't mean they are them/their property/are deliberately looking, thinking or doing something that makes them angry.

I'm not a better version of the woman who gave birth to me, I'm an entirely different person.

Oh, and because they can. It feels good to have that power over somebody hampered by the so called parent child relationship. Got to make sure that they never get stronger, because then they'd lose their victim that makes them feel big and clever.

Sometimes I've wondered if she wired properly or even got an actual evil side

Yes like an entitlement

The silent treatment sometimes lasted days and then into weeks, I thinknthis was a kinda control thing, she would often say you'll need me before I need you......hmm I was a dependent child

Fear that the child will leave them and they want a best friend daughter so isolate and put them down and control so they stay close. Fear the child will do better than them. Fear the child will succeed in areas they haven’t and they are jealous. They hate the father so hurt the child as they are an extension of him. Power and control too

Yeah see what you mean, ,ike if she can make the daughter the failure that she wants her to be, then the daughter can stick around because she will have nowhere else to go, and she can enjoy having her punchbag

I do wonder how sadistic this kinda thing is, like how much is just for control and how much enjoyment do they get out of hurting others
Some more than most I'm sure

My mum did it due to control and anxiety. She grew up as the scapegoat with a bitter mother herself (who had suffered domestic abuse and divorced in the 1950s when is was a bad thing.) My grandmother through her own experiences treated my mother badly (ignored, scapegoated, favored my uncle). Possibly more. My mother never got therapy/acknowledged it/dealt with it.

So my mother was emotionally stunted/neglected and hugely anxious...which led to her being very controlling. Wanting things done her way, now to keep things "safe"?

Add to this she was poorly medicated for her thyroid and HRT just at the time DSis and I were teenagers.

So you have anxiety/hormones/exhaustion/mental load/financial issues (70s/80s interest rates) from the mother. A focus on presenting the perfect home to the outside world. A father who was always at work and when he was there things never kicked off. A sister with ADHD who kept boundaries/pushed back/executive function issues..which through trauma (violence/rage from mother) often resulted in angry teen stuff...tinder to mum (bot blaming sis). . So it was a perfect storm of anger and low level (constant) violence and belittling at one sister (ADHD) and faun/people pleasing for the other.Trauma for both.

I have anxiety/people pleasing/control issues I am now tackling. I do not want to repeat history (though my anxiety/controlling comes put as being hypervigilant/overwhelming mental load...NOT violence).

So, probably their childhood, not dealt with.

Regardless of the reason, or probable reason, I do not like who my mother now is. Or was. She hated what my grandmother did...and has repeated it. I am not overly impressed with my father either for not protecting us.

I've considered nc before but I stay v low contact because I love my siblings and their children.
So it's seems easiest to be physically amd mentally distant
But even that is challenging now she's older and needs more support and Dr's appointments etc
But I do my share only to help my siblings really

But I do wonder if really I should just cut the cord
She doesn't really abuse me much anymore will be more the occasional thing
I try to avoid spending too much time with her amd if she starts I have to go
Although that harder if your saying takingnher to a hospital appointment

I sometime think just cut her off entirely
But in many ways I think that would just her alot of attention nd drama, and of course she loves to play victim in problems she creates
And I suppose I worry it will damage relationships with others siblings and their kids
So mentally detaching and keeping contact v low and short infrequent visits seems to be the best tatics so far

With my mother I think she just replicated the relationship she had with her own mother. Some people repeat the cycle of abuse, abuse can create intergenerational trauma some people can break that cycle others can't.

Regardless of the reason, or probable reason, I do not like who my mother now is. Or was. She hated what my grandmother did...and has repeated it. I am not overly impressed with my father either for not protecting us

Sums it up well

It always amazes me how many people have had to grow up with this shit

Whether you are witnessing it (the golden one) or in the firing line (scapegoat) you do not want to rock the boat. You love your parent (s) at the time as you need them to look after you (food/shelter). So you love them. You do not do anything or say anything. Each time you witness it you head goes into a panic about "what if mum wasn't there" and that thought is more terrifying than the experience of abuse. Abandonment is worse than abuse.

So you love them. Then.

And then the scales begin to drop from your eyes.

If you have some degree of emotional intelligence, and you begin to show signs of trauma response impacting you/your love ones, you deal with it. You break the pattern. You change.

If you do not, you carry on and turn into a bitter old bitch with a down trodden husband.

Yes I think that is a common reason, I don't really know about her childhood as she's never said much about it at all, which I suppose in a way is a red flag, but I know she thinks people with depression bring it on themselves and need to snap out of it etc, so can't see her ever really being capable of any self reflection

Ironic really as I think she was Perhaps depressed with a bit of a shit life
Worked full time in a unfulling office job, but also did all the cooking and washing etc at home, no friends and not really much of a life really, even now she's got no friends

Malignant narcissism.

"And then the scales begin to drop from your eyes."
yes

Even as a young child you just think its normal

I also often wonder on what damage it actually cause the golden child, it must also harm them, being a bystander to such abuse but choose to save tour own neck as such
I'm guessing it lowers their sense of self esteem too

My mother was a spoiled only child who knew nothing but love in her own childhood. I suspect she was jealous of my relationship my dad and my granddad ( her father) so she was horrible to me while favouring and worshipping my older siblings. We've been NC for 32 years, by my choice. I miss my lovely dad but not all the drama, lies and hatred from her.

You know the story about the scorpion and the frog, that actually makes me think of how she is, that even if she knows hurting you will also hurt her, the urge too do it is so strong she has to hurt....

The Scorpion and the Frog" is a famous <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&rct=j&url=en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog&ved=2ahUKEwjk6I-hi5SWAxWMT0EAHdEWOtcQy_kOegoIAggACAAICBAO&opi=89978449&cd&psig=AOvVaw3X_oXpbLjYs6Abm_eoLTUP&ust=1786383500788000" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Scorpion and the Frog - Wikipedia fable about a scorpion who asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, fearing a sting, but the scorpion argues that stinging the frog would cause both to drown. Convinced by this logic, the frog carries the scorpion, but the scorpion stings it midway anyway. 1, 2]

The Plot of the Fable

• The Request: A scorpion wants to cross a deep river, but it cannot swim. It asks a frog for a ride on its back.
• The Fear: The frog refuses at first. It reminds the scorpion of its deadly stinger.
• The Logic: The scorpion reassures the frog. It points out that stinging the frog would make them both sink and drown.
• The Journey: The frog agrees because the logic seems sound. It lets the scorpion on its back and enters the water.
• The Betrayal: Right in the middle of the river, the scorpion stings the frog.
• The End: As the poison takes effect and they both begin to sink, the dying frog asks why. The scorpion replies, "I couldn't help it. It's in my nature." 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7]

The Meaning and Moral
Inherent Nature: The core message of the story is that some people or creatures cannot change their core instincts or malicious behavior, even when acting against their own self-interest.
Misplaced Trust: It serves as a warning that logical arguments and promises cannot override a harmful personality or true character. src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Iimhr1TLsno?start=1" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen> 1, 2, 3, 4]
Watch this short video to see a visual retelling of the fable and its timeless warning about trust:

Did you and your dad try to maintain a relationship or was it impossible ?

I'll need to Google a bit more about this specific type, I'm certain she's some sort of narc for sure, I leant about darvo on here to, that is exactly what she does to a t

I’m the daughter. I have a younger sister she’s fine, it’s just me

I was the golden child. It was never as bad as being the scapegoat. Ever.

But I have huge guilt when I compare my childhood to my sisters'. I feel huge guilt for not intervening physically/telling someone. I have huge guilt and feel very dirty when I look back on the fauning and mum-pleasing I did to try and ward off the outbursts. I actually got quite good at it. A nudge and a grin here, a joke there could calm her/switch her from her burgeoning anger. Urghh. I feel horrible now. I had to smarm and cajole in an attempt to keep her sweet. And she favoured my for it. Urghh. Shuddering again.

I am now (in my job) very good at reading people and persuading them to do stuff. But recently, with my awareness of why I am good at this, I feel sick.

I am so much of a people pleaser. I am hyper-vigilant - constantly scanning everyone to see if they are about to kick off. I will do jobs "NOW" to stop the kick off about the washing not being taken upstairs/cup being washed...you never knew what would kick mum off - so I tried to pre-empt everything.

I didn't get clouted or verbally abused though.

Not all golden children are like this though. But for some of us, it wasn't a walk in the park.

Thank go my sister and I have got through it still loving and liking each other.

Yes exactly this with my mother. I vividly remember the day my mother ranted at me for hours about her mother and all the damage she did to her (my mum) and the impact it had on her, and her relationship with her siblings. She literally described the exact same things she had done to me and my siblings but obviously she cannot see this. Thanks to my own upbringing I have a blueprint of how not to parent. I think I have broken the cycle.