Antenatal groups feel like a waste of time

[LL3]

Hi - feeling like our antenatal group was just very flaky as the friendships have been short lived and no one seems to really care about each other. Plus everyone has a lot of money apart from two couples (us) and it makes everything awkward. Can you cut them off? And how will new parents make friends regardless?

If you’re talking about NCT, you can’t buy instant friends, and the same information is free on NHS courses. Of course those involved ‘don’t care about each other’ — you barely know one another! Our group just didn’t like one another and had disbanded by the time they babies were a few months old. You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to. Make friends in other ways.

You say no one seems to care about each other, and in the next breath want to cut off two of the couples.

I really regret doing NCT during my first pregnancy. It was a waste of money and the group was very intense with lots of competitive parenting that got worse after the babies arrived. We decided to step away from it and never looked back. I found that I made friends chatting to other parents at baby groups and it was more natural without the pressure to stick with one set group.

i didn’t say I wanted to cut two couples off, I said two couples didn’t make as much money. To be clear I mentioned cutting all off. And I think given the reasons I stated that isn’t cutthroat. Do you have any advice or do you just want to be pedantic? Either fine - thanks for responding.

I’m sorry to hear this, but I hear it a lot. And the competitive parents thing is hilarious! Definitely experienced that. Great you’ve found friends in other ways thank you for responding

Of course you can cut them off if you like, make friends elsewhere. Parenting is quite a long road!
My DC are teens now and my best local friends are from:
Playgroups and baby classes
NCT (one couple from our course, drifted away from the others)
Same School / Nurseries, eg. mums and dads of my kids’ best school friends
My own hobbies - book club, music group
Introduced by other friends

What they all have in common is that we like each other, like having a chat, having a coffee, going for a walk or drink, going on holiday together and talking about real things - not just our children but ourselves and life too.

I’ve met dozens and dozens of people over the years, and stayed in touch with the ones I liked spending time with.

If these aren’t your people, drift away and find your people elsewhere. In the short term, try some playgroups, a baby music class or something, and as soon as you can a club or hobby for you rather than your baby.

If you don’t get on with them, why are you thinking of them in “friend” terms? Just meet other young mums. Surely there are some classes and groups around for parents and babies in the area? Can you ask them about baby groups before you cut them off? Google search and ask local Facebook groups for recommendations etc. It was a while ago but there was a lot of groups I went to mainly at Sure Start / Children’s Centres / Family Hubs (I know they get called a lot of different names) plus swimming lessons when they were a bit older and nursery / preschool. Some are for toddlers / older children obviously but you’ll soon meet other mums / parents with similar age children. It does take some effort though. Good luck.

I think it’s just luck. I still see 5 out of 6 of my NCT group after 21 years. There was, and still is, some economic disparity. DH and I are almost certainly the lowest earners, by quite a long margin I should think. But that doesn’t matter and never has.

We did the nhs classes with dc1. Stayed in touch with 3 of the families and the "babies" have just turned 20. Went to the children's centre antenatal group with dc2 and still in touch with 2 of the families. Went to baby groups with the others and still in touch with some of the families.

What @CautiousOptimist said.

There is no reason you should be instant friends with other people just because you had your first babies at around the same time.

It can be quite a supportive group for a lot of new parents, as, of course you are all feeling your way through a whole new world at the same time, but it is unlikely you will remain good friends with many of them. Just the same as you won't with all the colleagues you've worked with, or all the people you went to school with, or University if you went. Sometimes in life you meet people you just hit it off with and form a really good friendship with, but most friendships are of a time or a circumstance.

Equally, you might find yourself in a group with people who are really different from you, in any one of so many ways.
No-one has to 'be friends with' people they don't gel with.

We did NCT and I met some lovely friends. Yes, some people were just friends of convenience and I’ve never seen them again after mat leave. One couple I actively disliked. But our dc are 13 now and I still keep in touch with two of the mums even though we live hours apart now.

BUT this is a perfect lesson for you that you won’t necessarily be friends with someone just because you have children the same age or at the same nursery or school. In my nearly 14 years as a parent, my closest friends are still people I know from work, school days/uni or hobbies. I do have some parent friends but we’re more friends because we’re neighbours with similar hobbies and interests. Not because we have children who go to the same school. You have to find your tribe. It may not be in your antenatal class group and that is totally fine.