WIBU to thank a friend after some distance? - CW postnatal mental health issues

[yorkshirego]

CW: discussion of maternal mental health crises

I suffered from terrible postnatal anxiety with my first, I was truly in a crisis. My dearest friend was living abroad and she was always there for me by phone or text. (She had experience as a nanny so was familiar with babies, but more importantly was just my dear friend.) I eventually got help from the NHS and by the time my baby turned 1, I was doing much better. However, Covid then hit and, whilst my anxiety wasn't as bad as it was initially, it was still something I actively had to manage. Also, I'm an IC nurse so I was juggling a young child and being on the frontlines in a heavily affected area.

My dearest friend, however, started to have panic attacks during Covid, quite severe, she'd call me whilst she was driving and sobbing. I couldn't be there for her the way she was for me, what with taking care of a 1-2 yo child, IC shifts that never ended, and of course the grief that came with it all. I was just treading water and literally couldn't be there for her.

We drifted apart a bit and then she later said she was upset I hadn't been there for her. I had a hard time explaining it and felt bad but also upset that she wasn't a bit more understanding. As the years have gone on we've mostly just stayed in casual text contact on birthdays, but recently this year after a bereavement, she reached out and we video chatted for nearly four hours! (She's still abroad and in a much better mental place, as am I) It was like no time had passed at all. We have texted more frequently since.

But now: reading the Lindsay Clancy story is quite shocking for me. I never had thoughts of hurting my baby, but I do remember all of the intrusive thoughts of violent ways he could be hurt. I think about how she was there to help me and I feel badly again that I wasn't there for her int he same way. (Or that I couldn't be). It's only now that I realise how severe it was, and how much longer the anxiety/PND lasted than I thought. I truly don't know where I would be without her support (as well as the counsellors on the NHS, DH, other firends and family.)

WIBU to send her a message thanking her and explaining more in depth why i couldn't be there for her the same way she was for me? Is it very one-sided? I don't want to do it for forgiveness but I do want her to know how much her support meant to me.

I think that would be a lovely thing to do.
I am a great believer in telling people when they've touched your life, even if it's a small thing. Your friend touched your life in a big way, is good to let her know that.

Thank you, I didn’t know if it would come off as self centred. We are back in contact these days (not as we were before children) so it feels less like a reason to connect but rather to just let her know how grateful I am to her. The Lindsay Clancy case has touched me deeply and made me realise how deeply in crisis I was.

Update: I’ve sent her an email and she didn’t reply, I feel terrible. Perhaps it was too much.

Still no response, I wasn't expecting her to say much but she didn't even adknowlege receiving my message. I feel I've offended her, especially after having had less contact over the past years. I feel awful.

hmm I feel emails are easy to miss! She could be on holiday? I would text and say ‘I am sorry if my email has offended you in any way, my aim was to acknowledge how you helped me during that very difficult time!

Thank you, that’s a good suggestion. I didn’t want or expect “forgiveness,” just wanted to reiterate how much I appreciate her kindness during a very dark time. I reckon I should give it a rest and perhaps send a text next week if I haven’t heard back. Feels so awkward now.