Anyone Else Anxious About Ageing and Loneliness?

[anxiousabout]

I am so anxious about getting older and finding myself on my own.

Going through the menopause to give you some idea of my age. Had 3 dc, 2 later in life, still dependent and still at home probably for a good number of years yet.
I am also likely to be diagnosed with neurodivergence which is probably complicated the issue.

My husband is older than me and we don't have much in common. I believe he is ND too and has a special interest so he is happy enough. Remaining family members have emigrated.

I've seemingly lurched into early retirement having experienced a burnout situation in relation to my ND. No financial concerns.

I feel lonely. I try to focus on dc but they are going to need me less and less shortly. I have a couple of friends I've made through an interest whom I do meet up with for coffee but most people my age are working. I am fortunate to know them but they never feel like enough. I know I've got to go out and do/try new things but it essentially feels like I'm filling in time. I have got a sense of restlessness but then don't feel motivated enough to get out there (I will be talking to a health professional about shortly could be connected to ND). I am dependent on someone else to lead the way, I kind of need a playmate, parallel play I think it's called to drag me out of myself. There are some hobbies I think I would go and do if this was the situation. I do think I need some medication of some description and think I may have an issue with dopamine, stressed that professionals will not take me seriously and be stuck on anti-depressants when this might not be the entire answer.

I worry about old age and that I will be left completely alone. I think it is exasperated by the fact that I can't find contentment and have been feeling lonely for a long time now including within myself.
I keep reading about the homeshare scheme where someone can move in as a sort of companion - anything to try and reassure myself I do not have to live entirely alone once dc has flown. I don't think supported living would work too well for me. I have one good friend who might even be willing to move in with me eventually should I find myself on my own but this isn't guaranteed and who knows what might happen.

I keep ruminating over this and wonder if anyone else feels the same way/worries about the future? The menopause has changed things around so much for me plus the revelation of neuro divergency. Some people appear happy on their own but I'm not one of them and I get frustrated and annoyed with myself for being so needy. All these older people with their person well into their 70's or even 80's. I like someone around even if it's just background company. My quality of life seems to depend on who I have in my life and the relationships I have and I do like a good natter. I watched an elderly relative cry through loneliness but I was too young and felt too helpless to know what to do. Feel so sad I can't seem to get a grip and not enjoying life now. Life feels like something to be endured.

Sorry for the epic post, thanks for sticking with it.

Anyone?

I stress about this too.

Thank you for reading and your response Bitesize It makes me feel as if I'm slightly less alone. Do you have any thoughts about this?

People with jobs also have hobbies and like making new friends, you know.

I do a bit because I saw my mother (who I am quite like) become very lonely. But equally, I'm turning very anti social as I get older and actually don't really want the company of others. But I'm still working so am in contact with others and know I might feel differently once I've retired and don't have the luxury of being irritated by other people!

its difficult if you’re ND, I get it. You need human contact but not too much and not too often and to be in control of when it happens.
and as we get older it gets more exhausting (it can be enjoyable in specific circumstances but leaves you very empty and may new a few days to recover)
for me it’s been helpful to join a local women’s group that have lots of day time activities held regularly, so I’ve been able to try out various things and add a few of them to my routine and gradually get to know a few people. I prefer small groups up to 8 people and not too much social focus, so walking is ideal.
I still struggle with the right balance though and have to be careful not to overbook myself.

i sometimes wish it didn’t require so much attention and energy to stay ‘in the world’ as it were but I know from previous experience that if I don’t make the effort my mental health starts to tank.

it is harder once the kids have left and you’ve retired, especially if your other half is happy indoors with a hobby. But if you put in the effort to organise yourself it’s rewarding enough.

Not for my self but for my DW as she has literacy issues cognitive and no digital skills.
I worry for her as I do it all.
Not in a mean way as I love her dearly and I could cope on my own if anything was to happen to her

I am well into ‘ageing’ territory (and I’m ND) and I don’t have (or want) a partner. I have an incredibly full and interesting life, and there’s no way I’d describe my life as lonely. I flat share with three other people, all younger than me. I have friends and relatives both locally and further afield. I’m active in our local tenants association and the local branch of a political party, do loads of theatre type things, use my gym membership two or three times a week, and make a little extra income from a bit of contracting work. It’s certainly not a life to be afraid of.

The key thing for me is that I don’t expect other people to fill gaps in my life. I have autonomy and agency. I use my time fruitfully myself. My sense of purpose comes from waking up each morning and thinking ‘What am I going to do today?’, not ‘Who is going to prop me up today?’ Needy people lose friends because they are exhausting. Self-sufficient people attract others.

You're not old yet. At this stage in your life I would do volunteering. There are lots of volunteering jobs around, you don't just have to work in a charity shop. You could be a guide at a National Trust or similar property. You could work in a local arts centre. You might be able to find a role with children or animals. You could run a group or two at the library.
You could also take up a language or a musical instrument, and join a group to practise that skill.

I am worried about loneliness as I age.

I could not care less about romantic loneliness. Men are a danger to women. I used to be very very focussed on attracting men. Not any more due to learning more and more about their behaviour.

However, I am concerned that even with book clubs, gym attendance etc, I will be very lonely. I am someone who loves my own company but also cherishes fun with other people.

Perhaps we need to set up women only events like U3A to avoid isolation ?

Thanks for all your replies.

Nattyknitter it sounds as if you have worked out what you need and what suits you and I think I am similar. I am wary of joining groups, I don't tend to be in them for very long unfortunately. I probably haven't found the right fit yet or perhaps I am expecting too much. I think the realisation that I struggle with socialising is something that I don't want to accept. The fact that I am quiet within a group setting. I also prefer deeper conversations. I can feel a lot of enjoyment if I'm in the right setting but then become disappointed when the group session finishes or I go into some kind of overwhelm and want to repeat it.
I wish I could be happy in my own company a lot more but I seem to need some social stimulation. The whole thing seems to have become more exhausting so it feels a bit like a vicious circle.

JesseDavis
Sorry to hear about your worries concerning your wife. I do have some digital skills but it is a worry. What do you think about supported living? I think I would struggle with this but haven't ruled it out and it isn't for everyone. It's so lovely that you have cared for your wife in this way what a difference you are making.

Loserwinner
I hear what you say about needy people repelling people, it is very unfortunate.
You obviously enjoy very much what you do and sound content. I know one or two others who are like this and I find it frustrating that I can't be like it. I wonder if you have a different need connection wise. One way or the other isn't wrong it's just different. I likely have attachment issues that complicate things and it would be wonderful to have autonomy and agency but then I guess we all need to lean on others at times. Your flat share sounds very successful. It's the kind of thing that I'm interested in though it will probably involve only one other person due to the dynamics of a group situation. I don't like the feeling of waking up and wondering what I'm going to do today, I would much rather it be mapped out but with some variety (this is probably due to a combined ND) where I want routine but a bit of variety within that.

Redintoothandclaw
Yes, I am certainly considering volunteering. It's a matter of taking the plunge. There are certain things I am drawn towards, I guess it is finding the opportunities to match. Unfortunately, my ND is causing havoc with this and I need to figure it out.

Sobored
I think a womans group within U3A would be popular. I was wondering whether more groups for neuro diverse individuals might crop up now it is being more widely recognised but that is probably something for the future as a new wave of the population age. I think book clubs and gym membership are all very well but they don't necessary allow for a deeper connection. You go along to a group and you might not see those individuals for another week/month. I would rather have a couple of friends I see on a regular basis who can have deeper conversations and be authentic. I can see what you mean about some men. I have also known some women to be very abusive and highly dysregulated so I have seen it from both sides. Men seem more threatening somehow with deeper voices and likely bigger physically but not all men are like this, I have met a few lovely men. I am sorry if you have had some negative experiences (as I have I with both males and females).

I have watched elderly relatives become very isolated. I can see now how it happened for them likely having ND and it has thrown me into a panic, viewing that as my fate. Living alone eventually and not having much family or even struggling to connect with their siblings which they had on the doorstep let alone make fulfilling friendships. They also didn't attend much in the way of hobby groups. Falling out of the loop and feeling disconnected. It seems an age old problem. I am worried about becoming dependent on my children and I want to circumvent that and alleviate the pressure. My children are my children even when grown up they cannot fulfil all my needs and will likely have busy lives (I secretly long for grandchildren but in this day and age not sure if that will happen), I would love it if me and dc became gym members for a swim together etc. do an activity that could work well, I really hope they stay local.

I have often world built in a utopian ideal with a small community of my children and few good friends living in a community (probably not their ideal). A safe space both in terms of people and place. Very different from reality which can be dominated by greed and speed. Everything seems to have a price tag attached/transactional including care, it feels like we have not developed very much in some ways.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

I understand what you mean, I think. I can tell I am around the same age as you, but I am single with older children, the youngest will be leaving home soon and doesn't need me much. I am quite sociable but have found that a lot of the people I used to connect with have petered off because our relationship was connected with our children. I do have friends who I meet with and like to see, but it is only on an occasional basis and that is not enough for me.
I thought that I was perfectly happy in my own company and pottering around doing what I wanted. I now realise I'm only happy like this when I only have limited time for it! I have a job where I get a lot of time off in summer and have always really looked forward to the time off. But this year, with my children being adults, I have found myself feeling quite lonely and very restless for the first time. I also feel like the people I really connect with are people from work. I have been meaning to get in touch with friends who I haven't seen for ages (years not weeks) and I will, but that feels planned and an effort, and to be honest I'm not even that bothered because our lives are quite different now.
I am not ND, I just like connecting with people all the time, and that gives me energy and makes me feel motivated. So I do wonder how the future will be.

If it helps, the older I get, the more happy to be alone I feel. I don't worry as there are plenty of community groups for the older generation. Pick one or two and I'll be happy.

Hmmm.. that is very true, but there’s a risk to surrounding oneself with only people of one’s own generation. They too age and eventually die, and that can become a constant reflection on our own mortality. Having a social circle that includes a full range of ages is a powerful reminder that we are still living life to the full, rather than ageing and waiting to die!

That's true but these groups tend to include people from 60 up. That's a pretty big spread, so not someone dying all the time. People also tend to come and go from the groups as interest and time work for them, so it's not quite as depressing as all that.

What about retirement flats when older? They can be very sociable places if you get the right one and not all ‘old’ people (think they’re 60 plus). A relative lives in one and she has a great time - def have residents in their 60s.

I’d 100% go if DH dies first. I’ve got medical conditions so wouldn’t want to live totally on my own so it would be a good compromise. I also like to be sociable but on my terms 😝

I found the menopause years the most unsettled and worrying.
My advice to you would be to use these years to really work on you, your needs, likes, desires and find out what gives you joy and contentment. Then make a plan to fill your life with that.
Spend time bursting any bubbles of worry, habit, sadness, hang ups that no longer serve you. Talk to someone about them, read books, whatever you need to do to put any dragging, bad aspects of the past in place.

The people I know who did the above (myself included) have gone into the next stage of our lives really content, not isolated but also self sufficient. We know what we like, when and how we want to interact with others and importantly we have found within ourselves some passion that gets us out of bed and on every day.

Use the upheaval in your mind now to form a future that will give your life purpose.

@herbalteabag "So I do wonder how the future will be."

This is a really interesting point.
In my experience it's better to focus on who you are rather than what the future will be.

We change, what we want and what makes us happy changes as we age.

To my mind lots of people spend their 40s and 50s making plans or thinking of what they'll do in their 60s and beyond. The truth is they are doing that from the position of being in their 40s and 50s. What makes you happy then is very different from what makes you happy at 60 and beyond.

It's much better to think about developing a contented, fulfilled you now, one free of the baggage that no longer serves us. Develop a passion, embrace change and live now. If you can do that the future will look after itself with real authenticity.

Great advice

I highly recommend volunteering if you’re feeling lonely. I’ve made so many new friends volunteering at sporting events.

Not really - in a way I think when our generation gets older technology could be a real help, providing it still exists in some way that's intelligible when we're in our 80s! I enjoy a lot of social interaction online (as well as IRL) and have sometimes thought this will be a boon when I'm older to prevent isolation. Though there are quite a lot of tech-savvy older people already we haven't really seen what ageing for the first generation to be online socially, aka younger Gen X like me, will look like.

Also I've noticed have online 'socialising' can foster intergenerational friendships through common interests, which could also be good news for both older and younger people.

I agree with @DorsetMermaid that being self sufficient but not isolated is key - I am quite happy in my own company, which helps me not worry too much. I am in a choir and go to a synagogue both of which include communities of older people, so I know there will be something there for me when I need it. Though that said, I suspect I won't outlive my DH - he comes from a line of very long-lived men whereas the women on my side usually seem to die before their husbands, against the norm.

The great irony is as we get to our most needy and vulnerable years as we come full circle to being a child again with "needs ".. we end up alone

I've just had several a and e experiences and I found the set up torturous. I'm mid 50s. There was a much older lady in there clearly all set up for her long wait she along with me was stuck on this chair for hours and hours Inna small unventilated hot space with people vomiting around us ,nose bleeds ...blood everywhere and so on .
Id be terrified to go through that at her age.

Well I couldn't.

I've seen with my own eyes how older parents became this irritaing endless burden for children that they don't want.
There is no good news after a certain point in very rare cases a particular loving child has devoted themselves to care and being in hospital with their parent because they understand the vital need for a child to advocate for their parent ,feed them/ get them drinks and so on .

Getting a docs appt. When your too old and frail to get into the queue for the 8.30 start ! With timers and stops watches...

The problem is most people are unaware of this side of life until it's too late and they are weak and vulnerable and stuck in it !

For my part now ,I've joined the assisted dying petition, I've emailed my local hospitals and MP about dreadful lack of comfort for sick people waiting in a and e .

• and yet one needs to be entertaing still to be of interest to the children. Look at threads on here where people begrudge their widowed mil or mum to spend Xmas with them becusee it's a long drive and they won't get the train . But then the relative sits in silence or moans and doesn't join in. They have probably forgotton how !! Been on their own isolated for every day of the year.

I can't stand trains now let alone as a vulnerable older person.

The older people who seem to have it best are the ones with very active social lives and perhaps not even retired.

Hi, if it's any help I am nearly 70 now and have lived on my own for nearly 40 years. Yes you read that correctly! Maybe I am just an introvert but I never felt the need to have people around me all the time, or to be constantly "doing things" either. Like you, I am not a joiner of clubs or hobbies, since there is always a "boss" in these groups who tends to run things the way THEY want them, and that's just life, there are leaders and followers.

I have an enjoyable, comfortable, financially secure life, with reasonably good health for now anyway.

I don't feel lonely, well occasionally I do I'd be lying otherwise, but not so much that it gets me down, I move on and accept this is the life I chose.

I do have friends and family and they are great, but we don't live in each other's pockets either, good to know they are there though and the occasional get togethers are great. That's not planned in advance though, it just happens every now and then.

My primary focus is on history and travel. The minute I'm back from one trip, I'm planning the next. I go on my own or with a friend or sibling, since my interests are kind of niche!

I don't know what I'm trying to say here TBH! But I am content and I think the issue boils down to what type of person you are. If you crave company and stimulation yes you might get bored and lonely, if you are the type that likes their own company, not so much loneliness and dependence.

I hope you will be ok.

You have a very negative view of old age @Inthesummertimewhen

I'm an older person and have spent the last year visiting all the place in the UK I've never been to by train using my over 60s cheap rail ticket. I've had a blast. Spent the last week sea swimming, hill walking and camping and work on keeping fit, well and interested every single day. I do regular courses, stick with my DuoLingo, volunteer with several local groups and grow fruit and veg on my allotment.

I am retired and have no family at all but have made a family of friends who are a joy to me.

I hope to stay fit and well as long as humanly possible and, if and when I do find myself in that A&E ward I want to be able to give thanks that I stayed out of there as long as possible and made the most of every moment I had.

Some poor children and younger folk end up very sick and alone in A&E. To have avoided it into old age is a blessing.