Realising now that I have asd, but s9me family see it as a negative thing

[Jasl]

In my 40s I am realising I am autistic. But some family members such as dh see asd as a negative. Even in a row shout ‘you are asd’ as an insult. What can I do? It is not often but I am so sad that a key part of myself is seen as negative. I have been bullied as a child and at work but not currently. Dh is ok as a husband usually, but he honestly sees asd as a negative/ insult :( I don’t want to leave him also there are children and financially it wouldn’t work. I don’t have formal diagnosis and haven’t even told dh that yes, I have asd. I only realised recently.

Worried that if I tell people it could be used against me in future

You're still being bullied.

When dh says it to you - is he frustrated that you can't see his point of view or is he using it to put you down and get you to shut up?

Sometimes it’s when we disagree, so for example if he thinks i handled something wrong. He sometimes undermines me and I say he shouldn’t have butted in and e.g disagreed with me when I am say, dealing with our kids, he later calls me autistic if I bring it up. It is not often

So he uses it as a put down

That's not OK for him to do, OP. I'm autistic (diagnosed at 34) and no one has ever used it as an insult against me. He is bullying you. It doesn't matter if it's not often.

You need to tell him that him using it as an insult is not acceptable, every time he does it. You can't help being autistic. It doesn't mean you're not capable of doing things. Does he know much about autism? If not, would he be willing to learn?

He thinks it’s a mental health disorder

Well it is a disability and some people are ableist. Unfortunately that’s always going to be true. It’s not kind of them to use it as a weapon and I’d just ask him to stop. If he won’t remind him it’s abusive to fling someone’s disability at them as an insult. If he still won’t stop make plans to leave.

The majority of people will see autism as a negative thing. So maybe keep it close to your chest in future except when you need adjustments such as work etc.

I need to talk to him properly that it’s a condition that I have. He might be understanding but in the heat of a row chuck it at me

So don’t tell people unless you need to. It’s your private medical information.

Do you actually have a diagnosis?

No I don’t. But I have so many traits throughout my life , it feels obvious to me. My dc is waiting for diagnosis but they need adjustments for school

She's already said she doesn't. But i think it takes so long for the penny to drop that by the time it does, you can be pretty sure that you are, if you think you are. Your use of the word "actually" is very telling.

Sorry that was to @morethanadecade.

The OP doesn’t actually have a diagnosis, so she can cross that bridge when she comes to it.
OP if your child is awaiting diagnosis how does your DH feel about that? Surely he wouldn’t use it as an insult against your child?
He sounds pretty awful.

i think he sees it as a negative, but dc needs more time in exams. Actually it is adhd they are on the waiting list for. But they might have asd as well, we have to do one at a time

Thing is, it’s a diagnosis based on being adversely impacted.

It’s about social communication difficulties.

That means it’s particularly hard for you and your DH to communicate about difficult areas. Both of you find it difficult, not just you.

He might be a mean bully, he might be frustrated that he can’t explore issues in a way that you understand.

I’d suggest a conversation where both of you agree to stay calm and not blame each other for misunderstandings, and just keep plugging away at issue until you understand each other. But you must listen and try and he must listen and try.

DH tells me ‘it’s fine’ when I raise something that to me isn’t fine- that’s why I raise it. He can’t see that there’s a problem because he doesn’t have a problem.

And to add to the confusion, ND people often cluster so he may have ND as well.

I told my dh I thought he might have asd as well. He found it really offensive. He is v successful at work. I also thought some members of his family had asd and pointed it out but he was insulted by that and said I shouldn’t be suggesting his family members had mental health condition

When I try and talk to dh about how upset I am, he sometimes just shuts me down

Telling him that you think he and other family members are autistic may not be well received.

If he and his family aren’t experiencing difficulties, it’s hard for them to understand why you think they have something diagnosable.

I look at BiL who has no friends and does nothing outside work except watch tv, who went abroad for work once and decided he wouldn’t go again, looks closely at a vegetable in case it jumps off the plate and up his nose, and various other rather specific personality traits and think ASD. He doesn’t believe in ASD and sees personality traits. His sister thinks ASD re herself, husband and son. Husband says absolutely not, personality traits. One highly educated SiL, lives at home, does a zero hours, minimum wage job. Can’t pre-empt, organise, be proactive. Eventually learned to drive but doesn’t do motorways or dual carriageways or big roundabouts. If there was a neurodiversity for pathological passivity, she’d have it.

But they are entirely normal within their environment/experience so no one ever considered ND. None of them had challenging behaviours at school, no one cares. No diagnoses. I worry about SiL after her parents die. The three of them make a good team. When any one of the dies the other two will struggle. Though actually each of them Brings obstacles as well so maybe it will even out.

She's quite right, actually.

What else can we use "you are, if you think you are" for?

Being a woman?
Being black?
Being young?
German?

Tell him he needs to pack it in and actually read up on it. If your son is diagnosed he’ll need to be an advocate for him and not be bullying him about it.

I’d get a diagnosis before telling anyone. And I wouldn’t be attempting to diagnose him or his relatives, I don’t know why you’d do that?

Does he intend to shout this abuse at his child too if they are diagnosed? He sounds absolutely horrible.