I'm offended, DP doesn't understand why.

[Piccly]

We have a mutual aquaintance who I think is not a good man because xyz. DP likes him and thinks I'm seeing things that aren't there.

Tonight he's been out with other mutual friends and told me "Jane says aquaintance can be xyz".

I said I told you that and you didn't believe me. His response was that when you hear it from more than one person you start to believe it...

Yeah, you’re not wrong to be annoyed.

He has a point, though, yeah, it’s like your opinion on its own wasn’t good enough. It just seems a bit trivial to make a big issue out of, though. If you’re confident in your own opinion, you don’t really need other people to comply: they’re allowed to make their own judgements and to change their opinions over time.

I would be asking what made Jane more believable.

Could be anything. Jane is more credible. Jane is not his wife. Jane said she didn’t like the guy because of his conviction for embezzlement/record of domestic violence/ drink-driving while the OP thinks his expression is weird or something.

Offended by what? He doesn’t have to blindly agree with you on your opinions, but once multiple people start saying something similar it’s normal to look at it again. Offended for the sake of it here.

No she gave exactly the same reason as me, using the same terminology.

I don't think it's that she's more believable, more that he generally sees the good in people but now he's heard this twice.

yeh that’s annoying

There's an episode of Modern Family along these lines (except I think it is a Cobb salad is the issue :) ).

It would annoy me.

Yep, I get that fully. I was at a work social once and I told DH that X’s new boyfriend was creepy and inappropriate. He didn’t believe me because he thought I was only saying that because I had a huge falling out with X.

I remember getting really upset that he wouldn’t believe me but he just wouldn’t and thought I was stirring.

A couple of years later, the boyfriend was in the press for our industry because of his behaviour at that very same party. He was disciplined for sexually harassing two women. I still feel much satisfaction at being vindicated on this but it still disappointed me that he didn’t believe me.

I don't see the issue. You're his partner, not some oracle who's every pronouncement is law.

You say so-and-so is a wrong'un, he doesn't agree. It's 1v1, he's not going to change his opinion just on your say so. Someone else also thinks so-and -so is a wrong'un, well now it's 2v1, maybe it's worth re-evaluating that opinion.

I wouldn't be offended but I would possibly feel a bit smug.

Some people like to see the best in others, to the extent where they’re a bit blindsided. It sounds like it only took hearing it twice to realise that this person is xyz. I would just be enough smug he gets the point, but not so much to make a fuss. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

I had this, friends of a friend and her daughter were at a social event with us. They way he interacted with his step daughter who was about 14, I felt was really disturbing, he kept touching her, putting his arm round her and she was visibly unhappy and uncomfortable with it. It was like she was his girlfriend, not the mum. He was paying her adult compliments. Touching her thigh. It just felt sexual.She was also very disturbed, acted out, running away. A difficult kid.

I said after the event when everyone else had left, something was very wrong, thay he maybe abusing her, there were about 8 of us, close friends, 4 couples, I got my arse handed to me, by 2 of the women, how dare I accuse him of being a paedo etc, the couple who was their main friend, said nothing, everyone else really got upset with me. The men were saying you can’t make accusations like that. I just kept saying it’s my opinion but something was very wrong there, it just wasn’t right. Every part of me said something was wrong and he was behaving sexually to her.

about 3 years later discussing an event we were going to with the same close group I said something about them and another couple who we didn’t know attending, the other unknown couple were relatives of the main friend , and the main friend said oh no, they wont come as they won’t socialise with them at all,I said oh, why not, she said they think he’s a paedo and abusing the step daughter.

i was completely open mouthed, i said thats what i think, she nodded and said yes i know, they won’t be in the same room as him due to it. I dont think she knew that when i said it. But i later found out she was silent as she also felt something was wrong but as they were close friends, was uncomfortable.

the folks who had handed me my arse, said nothing. They just sort of sat silently, and it was like you said, as someone else thought it, someone completely unknown to me and whom I’d never met and who didn’t know I thought that , it suddenly lent credence to it and they all looked a bit worried.

whats worse, the mum went on to marry him. When I was told they’d got married I was horrified, and this time no one said that’s lovely, everyone just stared in silence.

what do you even do, it’s not like you can ask, hey is your step dad abusing you. I think if I had my time over I would ask her if everything was ok, but she’d not have told me. I was a stranger in effect.

I really think in that circumstance you should have reported your concerns

I can see why you're annoyed though as you say it may well just be a second correlating opinion gives more credence to yours.

My husband does this with me sometimes. As if he can't believe what I say unless he's checked it himself although if someone else says it he just assumes it must be right. (Particularly annoying when he'd announce "my mum says ..." as if she were the Oracle of Delphi and I'd be thinking "yes I already told you that and you didn't believe me.") It may be an "ingrained role" thing as I was quite young and very ditsy/clueless when we met. I had led a very sheltered life and he literally had to teach me some quite basic things. I'm now a partner in a law firm, mother of two, perfectly competent and quite practical but I still think he sees me as the dappy 21 year old who thought hot water came out of the taps directly from Thames Water (the shame!)

My partner challenges me, and yes sometimes I get things/people wrong, and have to admit I'm wrong!

He could either have blindly believed you, and then no doubt you'd get annoyed that he doesn't think for himself, or he can wait until the evidence builds up (he has done this) and you're still annoyed.

You call the RSPCC or thr kids school and flag a concern.

It can be difficult in the moment to do the right thing, but with hindsight, don't you think you should have reported this man? Touching his underage SD's thigh and putting his arm around her against her will is abuse, though of a relatively mild level. You didn't need to ask her or anyone else, it was there in front of you. Why the other adults there couldn't see it at the time, is another question.

DH often is wary of people at first. He is sometimes right, often wrong. I have learnt to wait for other ways to make my own mind up.
Are you generally open minded and like new people or a bit wary and wait until they show they are decent?