How did you get your sense of self back in midlife?

[TreesTreesSky]

I’m mid 40s, perimenopausal, teenage dc who no longer adore me (they’re lovely, but I’ve been demoted from god to assistant!), middle management public sector career which I now realise will never really amount to much. Basically, i have spent 10 years caring for elderly people and young children and now they don’t need me anymore. I don’t regret any of that but I look back on the person I was 10 years ago and I have no idea where she went. I don’t seem to be able go back to her, but I don’t know how to move forward either.

writing this makes me roll my eyes because it’s such a cliche! (even my mid life crisis is dull and predictable ..)

(i am on hrt, so it’s not really a hormonal issue. More just a time of life issue. It’s one thing putting yourself out there when you’re 35 and full of energy. It’s another thing to be a chubby and sweaty and grey haired 45 year old with no new skills.)

anyway, my question is - if this happened to you, how did you get your mojo back?

I’m finally taking care of me. I’ve joined the gym and go regularly and can see a change. I also do yoga to keep me flexible but also long term my balance will be good when I’m older.

I get my hair done, my hair is longish and I have a balayage. I have Botox and recently had fillers. I want to look good and feel good and be healthy. Exercise makes me feel great. I think because I’m happier with how I look I’m more careful with what clothes I wear. I care what I look like.

I realise this might not be for everyone. But it works for me. It doesn’t fix everything.

I’ve also stopped doing things I don’t want to.

I went on mounjaro, lost the weight, took up a very serious gym habit, refreshed my wardrobe with some beautiful clothes, made sure my hair looked great and healthy, and started getting out more.

Hi OP, I've started going to Pilates classes. I also like reading and running - these aren't new activities for me, but I have more time for them now my DC don't need me as much. You don't mention a partner, but DH and I are spending more time together and we make the effort to go out sometimes (to a pub / restaurant / cinema), rather than just staying at home and watching TV. My career isn't super high flying or well paid, but I have taken on two new roles within my existing department in the past couple of years, which keeps things interesting.

Solo travel
Choir
New hobbies
Walking a lot
Trying hard to make new friends
Recovered my reading habit.
Spending more quality time with DH

Do the thing you always wanted to be good at but never got to do, for whatever reason.

If circs had permitted, I would've gone back to uni and done a useful degree, like Maths or Conservation.

Circs didn't permit, so had to stick to things I could teach myself, like sewing and learning a new language.

Basically, my advice would be, learn something new, anything.

At 40 I put on 3 stone almost overnight without any changes in eating habits or anything. I had had a m/c and was seriously ill the year before. I hated how I looked and felt. I was spinning and running (once I'd got better), and yet just kept putting weight on.

In my late 40s (2 years ago) I lost 3 stone through a combination of Orlistat and very careful eating. I don't deprive myself, I still have cake, and a takeaway once a week. I run for an hour twice a week, and spin about x3 a week, as well as dog walks.

I also make sure to get a Kérastase moisturising hair treatment every 6-8 weeks and a cut. Never did this previously.

My partner and I have just started taking one hot holiday a year, as well as one city break. We never did this previously. It's made the world of difference, especially as my parents didn't believe in overseas holidays.

I've always been like this, but I've kept up my promise to myself NOT to socialise with people who are nasty or make digs. This invoices my sister's in laws (she would always try to get me to befriend them but they were awful to me) and some of my own aunts and uncles who had really vicious tongues.

I’ve been feeling like this too and my circumstances are very similar to yours OP (44, head of subject at a sixth form college, teenage children). I’m not on HRT yet but was actually thinking about investigating the possibility of this earlier today.

I want to look better too and could do with losing a bit of weight but I have a limited budget. More walking and a bit of Pilates at home might be the best I can do there. And fewer biscuits. I think DuckWrap is right in the sense that when we feel better in ourselves physically we feel more like taking more care with clothes etc.

I’ve also started to try to learn more about the English medieval period as the loss of confidence I’ve been suffering from has made me want to improve my general knowledge. Plus it’s really interesting:

Staying tuned for other ideas because I’m still in the doldrums!

I look back on the person I was 10 years ago and I have no idea where she went.

This is a really interesting point OP and I think lots of women go through this.

When I was where you are I retrained, started my own business, lost three stone, gave up alcohol and eating meat, started swimming in the sea every day and got a dog.

You're at a brilliant stage where anything is possible and the future is an open book. Do exactly what makes your heart sing and then one day you will wake up and think 'my God, I would never go back to that person I was 10 years ago'.

I’m older than you in my 50’s and even though I’m quiet and don’t have a massive circle of friends, going for walks with my close friends who I’ve known for years always gives me a sense of self.