Struggling with my mother while staying to help after her surgery

[Morry15]

I dont know if its just me or what.

In summary:

53 years of age
Mother in her 80s. Good health
Recently had surgery which requires me to stay with her for 3 weeks as she is slightly immobile.
I live a plane ride away so meant I had to travel, ask to WFH to manage the 3 weeks
I have 2 siblings. Both married with young families so difficult for them to stay with my mum. Im single, no kids.
While at my mums, I cant do right for doing wrong.
Its always been like this but ive noticed it more recently.
Examples: didnt load or unload the dishwasher correctly. Used the wrong cycle on the washing machine. Took the rubbish out at the wrong time of the day (Do it at night she says when there's more rubbish). Didnt put enough salt in the meal. Need to tie my hair back when im cooking. It is tied back but wanted it tied back more!
Feel like im constantly walking on eggshells.

Its exhausting. I love my mother dont get me wrong but I cannot be around her for long periods of time as we always get into arguments. Then the guilt kicks in as shes in her 80s and well...

Thanks for reading.

She'll be feeling crotchety after her surgery. It's infuriating though.i would be havingvwords, wirh your siblings. They need to step up to the plate to give you a little respite.

Its not just this time. Its always been like this with the comments (even without the surgery). I think im noticing it more now as I get older and my patience wears thin.

I’m just recovering from a knee replacement and am 63. I live alone, so my sister came to stay for a week. I was so grateful for her but I did feel really crotchety and critical of just about everything she did! I think it was just feeling helpless, in pain and exhausted. It’s so frustrating when you’re used to being able to do things your way.

Mine does it too OP. Rearranges the dishwasher after I’ve stacked, hovers about an inch away from me if I cook anything so she can micro-manage. Drives me crazy, she is in her 80s but has always been like that. Likes to give input to anything and everything I do, whether I ask for it or not, and even when she knows absolutely nothing about the subject.

I manage it by keeping my distance tbh, though obviously you can’t do that at the moment. I did flip last time I was there when she was advising me how to make a cup of coffee (for myself) and said ‘I’m 57 years old, how do you think I manage when you’re not there?’. Which gave her momentary pause but she’ll be back to trying to control everything again next time.

God, how do you think the carer feels? I have this with my dad just out of hospital, it’s soo miserable.

Thank you for the replies.

As I stated above I live a plane ride away. I live alone. Enjoy my job, friends, social life and guess what, ive managed to exist without the micromanaging yet when I come home its like I revert to being a 10 year old. Anxious, needy, trying to please my mother.

I assume that says more about me though. Ive never been good at setting boundaries.

How long since her procedure and how is her recovery. It may be time to review the care. Carers can be engaged to provide as little or as much care as she wishes to fund, I’d be willing to help her find a company then fly straight home. Next time don’t be available. She’s bullying you.

I feel your pain.

I was a plane ride away too - UK to NZ. Wept on my neck when I got there - 72 hours before she was nitpicking absolutely everything. Roughly similar ages, also. She lives on her own, and being particular, has only got more so, and yes, pain, pride, anxiety and fear did nothing to help the situation. I bit my tongue when I could, went along with what wasn't utterly ridiculous, and had to have some hard boundaries in place that I wouldn't budge on. It was a hard three months. . .

Not quite the same as yours, but my Mum needs to be the centre of attention, and everything is in so much details. I find it very hard and stressful and to be honest I really don't have the headspace for it. Like yours, it's always been the same.

May challenge her a little, ie do you want me to do this or not? Also, try and get yourself out as much as possible, whether she likes it for not. Or, if she could actually do it herself, suggest she does it, so she knows it's done how she'd like.

Give yourself some space. Go out for a walk, tell her you're going to nearby town as you haven't visited for years, add a coffee onto a food shop.

2 weeks since procedure. 3 more weeks to go. She's eligible for care. For a carer to come in 2 to 3 times a week etc. to assist with basic tasks. She refuses 'I dont want a stranger in my home'.

Thank you. My travel journey is the same. UK to NZ.

My mum has been on her own for years and is super independent. I realise that losing this independence is affecting her mentally and pride and fear as you mention get in the way too. However when I think about it, shes always been like this (not as bad but in the ballpark). I think im also realising it more.

Tough that is what is available and she can take it or leave it. F.O.G is hard but stand up for yourself. Go home, been there, done that and got the t-shirt. It's not easy but she knows what she is doing.