How to phase out constantly responding to overbearing MIL without feeling guilty

[Ellie126]

My MIL texts and voice notes me everyday. Asking how our baby is and how we are. That is sweet. But then she ‘reminds’ (more like demands) me to send pictures every day.
If I don’t reply within 6 hours it turns into ‘you ok’?? She will sometimes FaceTime me 3 times in a row… when she knows we have other family members here. Her ex husband (my FIL) was here for the weekend and she kept messaging me saying for him to be ‘careful with the baby and with hot drinks’ and she asked if my husband had told him about her recent ailments… she’s always been a lot but it has intensified massively since we’ve had a child.

When I first met her 6 years ago my husband did say not to set a precedent and respond because then she’ll come to expect it (which is what she did with him growing up) and now he doesn’t really respond to her at all unless it’s urgent because he knows she’s overbearing and he’s a grown man. She always complains about my husband not responding and thanks me for keeping in touch. He is the other end of the spectrum but even if he did reply normally it wouldn’t stop her from sending more. She is smothering and repetitive. She always sends me pictures of my husband as a child in the group chat too and not to compare baby pics she did this practically 2 weeks after I met her!

She messages me to send pictures of her grandson everyday …. For the last 5 months. I love to share pics but my own mother doesn’t do this! Because she trusts that I send them in my own time… I more a less send one everyday maybe every other day if it’s the weekend and we’re busy as a family….

she also places so much emphasis on the pics like ‘ oh he makes me so happy and makes all my worries go away’ and kind of puts emotional weight / blackmail on it if that makes sense? It takes the joy out of sending the picture to her because there’s so much drama and feels like I’m making her miserable if I forget.

she was like this before the baby ie would message me to ‘ensure my husband went to the drs’ if he briefly mentioned he had an upset stomach at Sunday lunch. I should’ve listened to my husband but I was just trying to make a good impression all those yrs ago by replying! She asks me what’s for dinner all the time, part of me thinks she is lonely and I feel sorry for her which is why I respond because she’s so intense she doesn’t really have many friends. Her partner drinks 2 bottles of wine a night and I’m inclined to think it’s because she’s driven him to insanity (he is the complete opposite and totally laid back)

I also know that it’s so hard to suddenly stop replying as often because she will think there’s something wrong. 95% of these messages are in the group chat with her partner and my husband (surprise, the group chat icon is a pic of my husband as a child and is called his childhood pet name she called him)…

I’ve just got to the point where I find it cringey, thankfully we live HOURS away now. My husband just says I don’t need to reply but I’m worried she will start to resent me?? What shall I do without it causing a drama

Well your DH warned you! You’ve started this now, so stepping back may well be harder, but sounds like it’s really necessary. I certainly CBA with this, and if your DH doesn’t respond I really don’t see why you are. Just step back. Stop responding so often. She’s hours away so what’s she going to do.

Could you perhaps prepare the ground by telling your MIL that you have realised you are spending too much time on your phone and are therefore planning to have a 4/6/8 hour period each day when you stay off your phone unless it's an absolute emergency. She therefore shouldn't panic if she messages and doesn't get an immediate response. Then the following day send her a nice baby pic with the message, "I'm planning to do 6 phone free hours now, so don't worry if you message and don't immediately hear back."

You will feel some discomfort and it would be best to accept that upfront. You have to put the well-being of yourself and your baby first. This is unmanageable.

I think I'd say something like 'Just wanted to give a heads up that I'll be messaging and using social media much less because I'm finding that life with baby X takes up all my energies and attention! I'll pop across pictures from time to time but we'll be screen free most of the time. No need to check if all is well if we're quiet here day to day as I'm unlikely to pick up the message in a timely fashion - no need for anyone to be concerned! Lots of love'

Limit your messages to the amount you are happy to send and don't be manipulated by her to send any more than that. She has a problem with communicating appropriately. A friend of mine is a therapist who helps people who have social communication difficulties including people who impulsively and constantly message. With her clients it has often got to the point where they are doing it to work colleagues, their dentist and people that they have only just met. Some of them even start to doing it to her. A few have got into trouble for stalking.

She probably can't control it but that doesn't mean you have to respond. Your DH has found a way to handle it and I think I would follow his advice.

What harm does it do, and it makes her happy, plus if she's hours away, unlike most grandparents she presumably doesn't get to see him much?

She sounds like she's not being nasty and might be helpful to you-I always encourage family to be as involved as possible (sure, some don't want to do anything for us but just want to demand stuff, but still, I do all I can to encourage them to have a good relationship), but it sounds like your husband is just mean to her, while she's caring. Lots of people who don't have a mum anymore would love to have someone checking on their health.

Maybe arrange more times to meet her in person, then she might need the photos less. But it takes literally a second to send a picture.

Too weak and too apologetic. 7 day digital detox at minimum 🤣🤣🤣. Obviously no public posts during that time or youll blow your cover.

You have to lay down a boundary, your family is not there just to keep her entertained. Follow your DH's lead, other posters have suggested really good phrases to use.

I like the idea of putting on the family group that you've decided to use your phone less so you can focus on your baby.

Then decide how many times a week you're willing to interact and then stick to it until the complaining subsides.

Honestly, when my baby was 5 months, I was so overwhelmed with everyday life that I wouldn't have had the oomph to even take a photo each day, let alone be sending one to someone else.

I liked the idea of a 7 day total detox. Then you can start a new pattern from a blank slate. Her behaviour is really not normal.

Say phones are bad for baby so you’re trying to use it less and if you don’t reply as much it’s so protect him so she’s not to worry

Dear MIL, I've realised I'm spending far too much time on my phone. We are absolutely fine and safe but I'm going to cut down to checking my WhatsApp to a couple of times a week. In the meantime no news is good news, but of course text or phone us in an emergency. Lots of love.

Then the tough bit - ride out her reaction. She's allowed not to like it and to try to get you to change your mind, but you need to resist reacting. Try to let it wash over you a bit. Draw on your husband's skills. You are allowed not to jump to her tune, but there's no law that says she will take it lying down.

Instead of making up excuses about using your phone less, just be straight up with her. Tell her you find the constant messaging overbearing and intrusive. Tell her you will put pictures in the group chat a couple of times a week. So many of these 'issues' could be solved if people just communicate better.

Just switch it off till lunchtime tomorrow. Then send a breezy message and a photo. Then switch it off for a day and a half, then two days, 3, 4…. This isn’t a problem.

But it seems it's making the OP unhappy. And it sounds incessant and actually harmful to some degree.

Just speak to her.
Tell her you find that level of contact too much and agree once a week or whatever you're comfortable with. You'll feel guilty but so what. Just feel the guilt and do it anyway.

OK so this might not solve all your problems, but have you thought about using a photo sharing app?

There are loads of them - Tiny Beans, Photo Circle, Family Album or just Google Photos/ shared albums on Apple Photos.

I now basically never send people individual photos of our child, unless it's specifically about that person (e.g. a video of them opening a gift from auntie Jane or whatever will go direct to auntie Jane, but day to day photos of our child just get posted for everyone in the family, no messaging!)

All family members who want to see photos sign up to the app and I add them to our album. I post photos on there. It's not social media, it's locked down privately. Everyone sees them at once and I don't have to individually message people.

It really helps with overbearing relatives wanting updates, because they are just seeing the updates when I post them for the whole family, without pestering me directly.

I do post regularly every day or two and it's a really nice way of keeping people up to date, but I don't have to have all the individual convos which can be exhausting.

I agree this is a good way to manage it.

Hi mil I am really grateful for your interest in baby x and our family but I am spending too much time on my phone nowadays so will be uploading photos on to a family sharing site details here: XxX. I wanted to let you know that I won’t be as available on my WhatsApp as much as previously as I don’t want you to worry! I hope we can arrange a weekly FaceTime call on Sundays instead ? (Or whatever suits you Op?) Love from etc

My Dad was the same after my first, really intense messages/calls/Facetimes, he wasn’t like that before I had the baby (although is a bit emotionally immature) I only managed to cope with it for a few days then told him to stop & a message every few days and call once a week is all that would be responded to, I framed it as “I’ve told everyone the same” and “we’re all just very sleep deprived”

Tell your mother-in-law the baby is taking up quite a lot of your time so you don't check your phone more than once a day.