Feeling lonely and left out as an introverted mum

[WildebeastCat]

I am in my late 40s and a mum to a 5 yo (son) and an 11 yo (daughter) and consider myself an introvert.
I grew up in quite a rural area - the kind of place where everyone knows everyone (and everyone is somehow distantly related to each other 🤣), and from a very young age I have struggled to make and maintain long-term friendships.
I think this all comes from being bullied at primary school, where I was picked on for silly things like the clothes I would wear (my primary school did not have a uniform back in the day!) or for hobbies etc that I enjoyed. This was mainly from one girl who, looking back now as an adult, was just jealous of me for being that little bit more smarter/cleverer than her.
Throughout secondary school I had a big group of friends and we all hang out and went out etc and were quite close. We all kind of went off on our separate ways to Uni and gradually lost touch - as is the norm.
However, I went through quite a deep depression episode about 15 years ago, and during this time I realised that some of my "best friends" from back then had still remained really good friends and were meeting up on occasional weekends. It really upset me that I had never been invited and it seemed that I had been "forgotten" about. The one thing that stuck with me was a passing comment that one of these friends had made previously when there was a discussion about a school reunion after we had all finished Uni. She said "I don't see the point as we remain friends with those that we really want to anyway". This really wasn't directed at me at the time, and was in no way a dig at me, but after I realised her and my other friend were still quite close all those years later, I couldn't help but feel really hurt.
Anyway, I have more or less accepted that I don't have any close friends, and have come to terms with it. I made good friends when I worked in various different places, but nothing that has really developed further than a few nights out with work colleagues.
I gave up work when I had my daughter, and again joined antenatal groups and had a network of friends there. Again, as they all returned to work and I stayed at home, those friendships dwindled too.
I have never been able to find a group of mum friends at my daughter's school, and again I have just accepted that.
However, today I am feeling quite down about it all again.
My daughter had her friend over yesterday, and whilst chatting about plans for the summer holidays she mentioned she was going on holiday with her mum soon. I said that sounded really nice and asked if it was just her and her mum going. She then said no that they were going with another school friend and her family. She then mentioned that they had gone last year together and had also gone with another school friend and their family.
I guess the reason why I feel so down about it really is that I am questioning whether there is actually anything wrong with me that people don't want or don't see me as a friend? I am easy to get along with and quite a laugh, but maybe I do give out a bit of a vibe as I am very conscious of what other people might think of me so maybe I can seem a bit offish.
Ultimately, I am worried that my daughter is missing out on doing stuff with her friends.
I do sometimes really feel quite lonely and wish I had a girl friend to talk to about stuff. Again though I know I find it quite difficult to open up about my feelings as I fear rejection or being ridiculed.
Not really sure what I expect from writing this post, but just wanted to get it off my chest, and see if I am not alone in feeling this way 🤷
It also doesn't help that I have a younger sister who seems to be well liked by everyone and has no problems in making friends - in fact she always seems to be going out for coffee or weekends away with her girl friends. This then results in remarks from my mum (not in a mean or nasty way) that I never seem to do anything like that

That’s difficult, I’m sorry, but it seems like you don’t have problems making friends the issue may be in maintaining those relationships, you obviously made friends at school, work & the early days of motherhood, if you had to be honest with yourself why do you think those fizzled out?

My advice would be join a club that’s just for you, a book club, a craft club, something sporty (badminton/net ball) I often find these groups although do attract the usual social butterflies also attract people who are new to the area or have niche interests & they themselves are looking to make friends.

I have a good friend who’s single mum, she’s quiet introverted and doesn’t have a large social circle, she often gets panicked about not being friends with the mums at school, this definitely seems to be a fixation with some women.

Could you go to groups with your child and get chatting with other parents? Or maybe try a gym class?
I think it is harder now with wfh.

I’d try to focus on what you have right now in your life and things to be grateful for. Try not to dwell on the past and school friendships.
Not everyone has someone that they’d class as a best friend. If you are introverted maybe you are afraid to make the first move or maybe worry about rejection.
Sometimes you need to work at making and maintaining friendships. Be brave and invite someone to do something like a play date or a trip to the park with your DS.
As PP suggests you could join some clubs or register on courses.

Ugh I could have written your post, I really struggle with maintaining friendships too, although I get along with people in the main, and I have a few friends I see a couple of times a year.

I am also an introvert…..it’s not just you!!

One thing I find helpful is challenging my own internal voice telling me it’s because there is something wrong with me. I try and focus on things I do well and remind myself that interaction with others is a skill that doesn’t come naturally and I find it very draining.

But I do wish I was better at it.

You're definitely not alone - you sound exactly like the younger me. When dd was at primary school I used to see on Facebook groups of the other mums and kids going on days out, camping trips etc and be so upset that dd and I were never included. And i also have a younger sister who was very much part of a social circle of parents and kids, which made me feel even worse.

Time's moved on and I've accepted that I'm never going to be 'one of the crowd' but I do feel sad that dd missed out on those sort of experiences - we just used to have days out just the 2 of us.

I struggle too. But a little different from you - I struggle to make friends initially. I am also quite lonely. I lost my mum and she was my best friend. My husband isn’t great. I am 45 and have two kids under 10. I find that no one makes an effort with me. Im
sad about it.

If you don’t make the effort then why do you think people should seek
you out?
do you actively make an effort to get to know your child’s friends parent to the extent you can holiday together?

you describe yourself as introverted but then say you are left out?

I am an introvert too. I also often was in this situation, seeing what everyone else was up to with their kids/ families. The big difference was I decided to be brave and ask other people out/ to do things. This all made a huge difference and then I started getting invited places. I found it a bit difficult at first but it feels okay now. On observing I realise this is what very social people do with lots of people. Obviously it charges their battery and I can find it a bit draining but it has enabled me to build relationships