A 13-year-old has taken a major dislike to my eight-year-old

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This is quite long, sorry. DD (8) is an only child and used to be good friends with a neighbour's child in the school year below, who I'll call Amelia. They used to play outside a lot in the warmer months and were always knocking on each other's doors. Amelia has other siblings including a 13-year-old sister called Bella. Bella was once a sweet, friendly girl, but has sadly changed for the worse since she was in Y6. She started rolling her eyes at everyone, including me, and swearing at her younger siblings. And she has developed a real dislike of DD.

DD insists that she's tried hard to get on with Bella, but admits to answering her back occasionally. For example, when Bella told DD that she wasn't allowed to walk on the pavement outside their house, DD retorted that as her auntie worked for the Council, her auntie owned the pavements, so she was allowed to walk on them!

This summer, when DD has called round for Amelia, Bella has usually prevented her from going out. (Bella has been heard behind the door saying, "no, you are not playing with her"). But recently, Amelia has started blanking DD when they pass in the street, which feels very odd. Their mum still says hello to us.

This weekend, we went to a small local playground and it happened that this family were there at the same time. As we approached from a distance, I heard Bella say to her mum, "you've got to be fucking kidding me!" The mum greeted us as usual, but then took a phone call, so we didn't talk much. Amelia wouldn't acknowledge DD at all. We think Bella must have said something to her and that whatever it is, it must be a lie.

To be honest, I'm quite angry about it, although I haven't said anything yet. My relationship with the girls' mum is friendly but superficial, she will chat away to me about work, school, kids' stuff, pets etc. but won't discuss anything sensitive. For example she got divorced about three years ago but has never mentioned this at all (and I never asked). Also, when Bella was in Y7, I asked her mum how she was finding secondary school and her mum said she was enjoying it and getting on fine. Yet, it's obvious to me that Bella's attendance has been poor, as she spends a lot of school time hanging around the estate in non-uniform. I didn't mention this either. But I'm not sure how to broach the subject of Bella's behaviour towards DD, as I fear her mum would be very defensive.

So Bella clearly has issues, but is taking them out on an eight-year-old, and my DD is lonely and has started saying that her best friend is a ghost called Edith (who is definitely an imaginary friend rather than a ghost). I know she needs play dates with other friends, but unfortunately the only two school friends who live nearby are away for most of the summer holidays. So, I'm sad she's lost her usual summer playmate.

What a shame. How about saying to the mum, has DD done anything to upset Amelia? If she has she’d like to make it right. Or offering to take both girls somewhere nice for a day trip to see if you can get things back on track. But if this fails you might need to sort things with other friends as it’s a shame for your DD to be lonely. I’ve dealt with a lot of this drama from neighbours kids. It’s upsetting. But think through strategies to help I reckon as you’ll be helping your DD to learn how to manage tricky situations and people in the future.

Yeah, that's true. I didn't think of how learning to manage this situation might help DD! I'll see if I can talk to their mum. I suppose there's no good in being angry with Bella, or focusing on her at all really.

I'd be upfront with your DD and say unfortunately some people are not good friends so we give them a wide berth. They sound rather unhappy/unhealthy so the less influence they have over your DD the better.

It's a shame it didn't work out but try to just treat them as acquaintances now - hi when you pass, no chatting, definitely no invitations or attempts to connect.

Amelia was a nice little girl, but yeah, they are indeed rather unhappy/unhealthy.

About two years ago, DD was playing with these children and was bitten by their uncle’s dog! She had to have antibiotics and her new dress was ruined (there was a hole bitten through it).

DD was being looked after by my parents at the time and unfortunately, they didn’t see this happen. A few months ago, DD finally mentioned that the uncle had walked up to her just after she’d been bitten and asked, “Did Archie do that to you?” DD said yes and apparently the uncle quickly walked off - no sympathy, no apology, nothing!

He visits occasionally (he lives at least 100 miles away) and sometimes brings his dogs with him. I bristle when I see him, and DD walks well out of her way to avoid Archie. Had I known all this at the time, I would have given the uncle a piece of my mind and told him I didn’t want to see Archie near our house again. But it feels too late to say anything now.

The mum never said a word about it to me.

Your daughter was badly bitten by the dog and you allow her to stay with the dog? The daughter is being rude?
I would be over and done with that family.

I would be encouraging your DD to stay well away and to find some new friends.

She’s lost a playmate. Her mother cannot be oblivious to any of it. I’d take the time to guide your DD through this and help her to understand that some people will just change and it is no fault of hers if they do, but to accept it and move on.

From all you've said, I would not be encouraging a friendship.

These are not nice people and they really aren't worth the effort simply because they live close to you. If they lived further away would they be the sort of people you would cultivate a friendship with? I suspect the behaviour will only get worse as Bella and Amelia become older, so I'd give them a wide berth.

Are there any holiday clubs locally? Sometimes friendships do break down over the holidays and it makes for a long 7 weeks, sp it's just a case of trying to fill the days with day trips and things inside the house.

are there any holiday clubs or activities on that your DD could go to during the summer and beyond to make more local friends, brownies or scouts for example?

I wouldn’t be encouraging the friendship either. It’s great if a child can play out with children from the neighbourhood but that’s not working out so you will have to start doing more structured activities so your dd can socialise.

I know a family like this and actively encouraged my DD to cut ties after she had a falling out with the daughter following some not very nice treatment of her. Very glad I did as daughter is now on 4th school and I have witnessed the younger sister start with the antisocial behaviour. Mum seems oblivious and whenever I talk to her it's never her dd's fault. You have dodged a bullet op. Find some better friends for her and teach her to be discerning, don't teach her to seek out people who teat her badly.

Amekias suffering from anger and nasty issues.
Lwt dd know its not ok to be treated or spoken to like that but dont get into chat about pavements or the likes.
Some teens mau not be at school but obviously thr underlying issue is thry dont want to hang out..shouldnt be enforced nad id be staying clear.
They are aquaintances so treat them as such.
Dd welcome to female dynamics.

Sounds like the divorce was the start of this, the older child has a lot of issues, bullying younger sibling no doubt and the uncle allowed his dog to bite her? Stay clear!

Your instincts are way off, OP. Why would you even contemplate wanting your child to spend more time in a family with a dangerous visiting dog who has already bitten her and a hostile teenager for whom something clearly has gone very wrong? I also don’t understand why you would expect a casual acquaintance to confide in you about her divorce or her child’s school non-attendance.

Just move on. Other friends are available for your DD.

I would forget about Amelia and encourage DD to make other friends. Are there any local holiday clubs she could go to?

DD stays away from the dog now. It’s a dachshund and visits maybe 2-3 times a year.

This family live three doors away, and I’ve known them for years, although clearly on a superficial level. The mum can be good company, but I’ve realised now that she’ll never have my back.

DD does do a lot of holiday activities, but it’s a lot cheaper for me if she spends some time playing out with friends, and she does miss Amelia. Ah well, I’ll have a chat with her.

To be honest I’d probably think it for the best your DD ceases contact with the family as there are huge red flags there in a 13 year old regularly not attending school and an aggressive dog still being allowed near the children. Would you really feel like your DD is safe around them even if the 13 year old stopped being so mean? Seems like the younger DD is picking up on her sisters behaviour so I’d also be worried about how she would act towards your DD once they both hit teens if they remain close friends in the years to come.

I’d focus on fostering friendships with children in DD’s class or in any clubs or hobbies she has by arranging more play dates or inviting along on days out etc.