Feeling guilty for not feeling grateful and my temper with kids

[Sheeyore]

I am so miserable and I feel so guilty for it because I am also very grateful for the things that I have, and especially for my children. Yet, the minute they're around me I get snappy and annoyed. It's like I have no zone in between feeling ok and feeling insane. I hate that I'm wasting the precious time I have with them and being a grumpy old bitch but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. Then, when they're not here, I'm consumed with anxiety about something happening to them. And almost like that will be my punishment for being such a cow.

I struggle a lot with intrusive thoughts about harm coming to them and I often spend life waiting for something awful to happen and unable to enjoy anything for the fear that it will be taken away from me or go wrong. I've been on ADs before and perhaps I should have stayed on them but I'm not convinced they really helped. I started HRT two years ago but the weepiness and short temperedness is still there (though it's helped dial back some of the really heightened anxiety.)

Given that I've tried the ADs and I'm trying the HRT I feel like I have no excuse for feeling like this. What's triggered this post is that I had a very bad migraine a few days ago and have felt horribly depressed ever since.

Hoping somebody will have a) a magic cure b) tell me I'm not a bitch. I'm worried that I actually am just a lazy, intolerant, selfish person. I'm not who I was 10 years ago. Life just seems hard, even the good bits seem hard and I hate that I feel like that.

Thanks to anybody who responds to my pitying post

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You're not a bitch! Sorry you're feeling like this. How old are your children? If they're still quite small, I think it's not unusual to be exhausted and unable to fully enjoy time with them.as much as you feel you should.

The bit that really stood out for me was your fear of something happening to them, and the feeling of 'waiting for something to go wrong'. I can be a bit like that, and I think it has got worse as I've got into my 40s, so I'm sure hormones/perimenopause play a part. It can mean you're always living with one eye on an imagined/feared future which obviously makes it really difficult to enjoy the present. Feeling like this can also can put unreasonable pressure on you to appreciate and value what you have, which is really hard to live up to and will be increasing your irritability if you're constantly thinking 'I must treasure these moments!' but your kids obviously havent got the memo, and may not be behaving in a particularly 'treasurable' way 😉

I don't have any solutions, but you're alone in feeling like this.

Thank you so much @KateTheShrew for your kind reply. You've honestly made me feel less guilty and the way you describe it is exactly right. Weirdly, I coped much better when they were smaller - they are 6 and 9 atm and I'm finding it much more difficult. They are not very autonomous and I expect that's probably my fault too. Thanks for pointing out the unreasonable pressure to feel grateful thing - I feel so caught in this and I hate myself for not being happy and grateful! Especially when the future only looks worse!

Oh, 6 and 9 can be tricky too! They're proper individuals by that stage, wanting to assert their opinions and personalities, but they are still very reliant and dependent. They also probably squabble more than they used too...

Definitely! All the time!

Something I try to remind myself when I get into 'the future only looks worse' mentality is that I can't possibly know what the future will look like. No matter how real it feels, my vision of the future is completely imaginary.

I’m going to try to do that, just had my first go now!