My mum was an alcoholic and had untreated mental health issues. She is dead now, but one thing that she did was obsess over other people’s bodies. From a very young age (before school even) she would tell me things like “some men love legs, some are ass men, you don’t have either,” or comment on how poorly fitted someone’s clothes were (mine included), how this or that person were overweight, bad skin, terrible hair, etc. This was a constant monologue about myself and others.
Essentially she ruthlessly cut everyone down (myself included) based on their physical appearances. Is there a term for this? I’ve long struggled to identify what this behaviour is, and only recently (well into my 40s) did I realise how much it became ingrained in me, I have spent my life constantly comparing my body to others and wishing I had a nose like that or breasts like those. (In my defense it’s only in my head and only used as a negative for myself, I’ve never tried to cut others down!) It’s driven me mad, really, even to the point where I thought I might be gay or have body dysmorphia. For example I rarely take my bra off during sex because I assume my husband doesn’t like seeing my hideous and imperfect tits (despite his disagreement.)
Is there a term for this internalised self loathing? How might I get a better handle on it? I’ve done my best to never ever say anything of the sort around my children and have raised them to be confident in their bodies and autonomy but it remains such an internal struggle for me.