Feeling really sorry for myself and need some perspective

[drivinmecrazy]

I’m in Spain looking after my elderly mum (again).
Been here for five weeks and another week to go.
DD1 joined me for the first two weeks but since then I’ve been here alone.

DH and DD1&2 are at home and their lives are continuing.
Except for this week.
on Monday my MIL had (another!) fall and broke her arm so DH went down, she’s a two hour drive away.
she then broke it again the same night she was sent home so went in for surgery Tuesday, came out Thursday.
she’s showing clear signs of dementia and this seems accelerated after this fall.
I’ve been supporting DH on the phone all week, being there when he needs to talk etc.
He’s gone home today leaving her on her own because he couldn’t take anymore!
When he’s at home he barely answers my messages, one of my kids rarely even remembers I’m missing.
it’s as if when I’m not in the room I don’t exist.
When we’re all at home there are no issues, although DH is notorious for never answering his phone 😡.
so I’m sat here in the garden alone, again, before I go and make dinner.
im exhausted, mentally and physically, and feel I’ve hit a wall.
It’s also expected that when I get home next week I’ll go down to support MIL.
I don’t work so the assumption is I can do it.
But all I want is to get home and switch off for a week.
Just want to cry

Not much advice to give really, but just to say that I sympathise OP, you are in a very difficult situation. Do cry if you need to, might make you feel better. And remember that people are, unfortunately, naturally selfish. I'm sure your family do appreciate you, they just have their own stuff going on and don't get a chance to show it. Could you send a message to your dd's along the lines of "missing you both, would be lovely to hear from you and catch up on your news"?

Oh dear! Is there any way of arranging things differently?

First of all, when you get home you need to announce that you are exhausted, after weeks of looking after your mum single handed. Sit down and let them get on with it around you, while you recover. After all, DH couldn’t manage one full week.

Announce that you are going to the GP because you aren’t feeling well.

Make it very clear that you aren’t superwoman. You won’t be exhausting yourself looking after everyone else, that you’ll need to recover and then pace yourself better.

You certainly aren’t going home to do all the house tasks that have piled up in your absence.

I do every couple of days so I do speak to them, but it almost feels like a chore for them at times, especially my eldest who is incredibly selfish by nature.
they aren’t children though, they’re 20 & 25 so it would be nice if they just sent a message once in a while 😔

Assumption can go swivel. Do not go straight down to look after Mil.
You need to sort yourself out for at least a week before you do anything else. You are allowed to say no. But you are the one that has to hold firm to say no & mean it.

As dh left her surely it's up to him to sort out other siblings/carers/elderly social services? If dh says anything you can point out he chose to come home because he couldn't take anymore so why should he expect you to do more?

Message him before you go home & say you won't be doing any more caring as dealing with your mother for weeks has drained you. He needs to sort something out.

That’s the thing. It’s only him as his brother is in Australia.
I’ve spent many evenings after getting my own mum to bed online researching help for her but he hasn’t actioned anything yet.
that’s not my job

Put your own mask on first.

if you’ve been caring for your mum for six weeks straight you need a break. Carer burnout is a thing.

Have you retired so everyone thinks you are free to look after everyone’s needs?
is dh still working?

No. I haven’t worked for years because there was a period when DH was away a lot and family commitments meant it was easier for me to take up the slack at home.
So I guess this is a role I’ve fallen into.
I’ve tried to have a discussion with DH about what our lives would look like as our mums got older (both widowed within three months of each other).
But I don’t think it had hit him until this week that this is our new reality.
any ideas of the kids graduating and leaving home allowing us a free life has obviously collapsed.
we’ve only one more year to support DD2 at uni and thought the finish line was in sight

Australia is only a plane journey away

Message H explaining him and his brother need to sort out something for their mum, either brother comes over and does his share, he must have taken this into account when him emigrated or he pays professionals to cover his half

I agree.
I have the same issue in that I have a brother in UK who wants nothing to do with the situation apart from a weekly call to mum.
the ironic part is that they both have money and means.
I think a difficult conversation has to be had with both of them to at least cough up some of the costs
its also been complicated by DH and his brother falling out years ago.
I finally got them talking last year because I knew they’d need to communicate at sometime.
relations are still strained though

Who is caring for your mother in law at the moment? An elderly woman with dementia and broken bones should not be alone; your husband is a shit for leaving her.

Have you considered not going straight home at all? The DC are taking you for granted and you are close to burn out.

Could you book yourself a week in a lovely hotel somewhere and relax and recharge?

You bite your tongue op. Don't offer to helping at all. .dh can do it or organise people to help..
You aren't even back from helping your own dm.

Do not take on the role of being responsible for your mil.
Do not.
Your dh and his db need to sort this out and take responsibility.

Oh that would be perfect but unfortunately impossible.
DD2 has had the dog to look after for the past few weeks while DD1 and DH at work/mums and she has a few meet ups planned for the week I get back, she’s earnt a break.
she’s done most of the cooking/cleaning/dog walking while I’ve been away.
I’d settle for a couple of days slouched on the sofa watching Netflix 😂

Don’t you dare go and look after MIL! We forbid you!