My overwhelm and is it normal?

[cambiodenombre123]

Can anyone relate to this? I'm a 49 year old single mum, two teen DDs, work full-time, lovely boyfriend I see 1/2 times a week (don't live together), ageing parents 2 hours away, godwilling am healthy tho perimenopausal.

I'm overwhelmed by life on a practically daily basis and I've got major decision fatigue... I love my life (am very grateful for how lucky I am) but I'm so bloody tired of having all the responsibility sometimes. And needing to deal with other people's dramas. I've noticed in about the past year that I'm on autopilot, as if my unconscious mind is leading at times and it takes me until the last minute to decide. It's like I can't take information in consciously, I need to sleep on it or do something else before I know how to respond or react. Or I say the wrong words despite knowing exactly what I want to say, like calling an orange an apple.

Take this week for instance; I needed to book train tickets to go away for the weekend. I couldnt decide what to do because it felt like too much mental energy to think about everything I'd need to put in place to go (where my DDs will be, who will feed the pets, who can water the garden, cancel milk, book a food order slot, urgent work tasks, clean and tidy the house, order medications, get a card and gift for someone) so I ignored it for 48 hours until its like my unconscious brain kicked in and with 3 hours to go I suddenly felt able to arrange everything. And did it all like I was in a trance, listening to a podcast. And yes I know I probably cost myself more money in that process but my mind is just so tired.

I don't think I'm mentally ill, its not like a split personality thing... its like I'm just running on instinct and sometimes struggle to communicate why I've chosen to do a certain thing because my conscious brain has checked out.

Does this make ANY sense to anyone?

Yes it makes absolute sense op and it sounds like you are heading towards burn out. Being the decision maker day after day, year after year, parenting alone , running a home, caring for elderly parents; it’s a lot!
Menopausal hormones don’t help!

When did you last take a proper break? Could you go away on your own somewhere or with your bf? Or half and half?

Every single one of the tasks you mention could almost be ft jobs in themselves (and were in the past). You are at the hub of all of those roles and I think people don’t appreciate that teens, although more hands off to parent physically, can me emotionally quite draining.

You need more support Op! Do you have siblings who could help with your parents? Could you ring Age UK https://www.ageuk.org.uk/
to find out what practical support you may be able to procure. for them?

Whzt about your DDs dad? Why are you hauling everything alone?

Can you buy in any more help? Take some paid or unpaid leave? Something has to give!

I learnt after many years of parenting and working that you have to put your hand up and ask for help sometimes and you “have” to put yourself first sometimes too because no one else will! And don’t feel guilty about it either! Your DDs will be better off for having a calm and rested mum.

Thanks @Waryandwearyfactorten nice to have that affirmed sometimes. It is a lot, and I know it's the same (and more) for many others.

I did finish work yesterday and have 2 weeks off now (at home, day trips, chilling) which couldn't have come sooner. I have a cleaner once a week who helps enormously. And DDs' dad lives nearby, supports financially and they see him regularly. Thanks for the ideas for Mum and dad too, my sis and I are managing even tho we both live 2-3 hours away from them.

Maybe my brain is just adapting to this, though I worry it's some sort of cognitive decline. Or almost like my conscious mind has given up and is hiding. It's happening so often now, Ill need to start a project, make a plan or decide something and I procrastinate/worry until the 11th hour then do it all in a rush very calmly. Like I'm under glass.

I don’t think at that age it’s ever really mental decline if you’ve a busy life- I think it’s always having too many decisions and things to think about and then good auld peri (I’m sorry as I know a lot of people hate things being called peri but I have to suggest it- if you already did and I missed it well there’s an example 😉)

im exact same op, best of luck x

I feel like this too and I’m only 44. I think it is a combination of absolute overwhelm (I carry most if not all the mental load), perimenopause (that’s the getting words wrong bit) and possibly undiagnosed adhd (one of my children is ND as are most of the women who work in the same career as me so there’s a pattern).