Can’t manage 7 yo, please help

[YorkshireGoldien]

I’m really desperate here because it feels like I’m on the verge of smacking my 7 yo and I can’t handle him. He can be strong willed with DH but he seems to be able to extend a sort of patientce or be ailly and get DS back on course. He’s doing well in school, can sometimes be a bit cheeky or impulsive but very much in line with his peers, according to teachers. He was told off once in PE for being a bit wild but otherwise teachers are quite happy with him.

I do my best to be patient but it feels like I can’t get a good handle on his willfullness nd behaviour. Part of this is that I was raised in a family with addiction and abuse, my default is to get shouty. But when it’s 7:00 on the weekend and he comes in to the bedrooms SCREAMING in our and little sister’s faces IT’S WAKE UP TIME!!!! And screaming and laughing about poo and such. I ask him to stop three times and he just keeps laughing and running about and shouting. And I’m just…already on my last nerve, shouting at him to quiet down, and I’m not even out of bed yet. I’m retrospect I recognise he’s excited, for example, it’s the first weekend of summer holidays, but I am just overwhelmed by the intensity of him most days. And I do end up shouting, which makes him shout louder, and I shout back and then he cries. It’s just awful. Sometimes it feels like the only way to get him to quieten down or listen would be to smack him (which to be clear I’ve never done and would never do!)

He is very clever and does well with lots of inputs, and doesn’t have any screen time. I try to tell him frequently that I love him, hug him, laugh at his jokes, and try to spend 1 on 1 time with him ( I work 0.8FTE) but try to, for example, do something together like get a warm drink and a biscuit at a cafe together after school once a week. But at this point it feels performative, and I feel terrible about that, and I wonder if he sees through it? It’s almost like I need a medication to get through the day with him.

I talk to DH loads about it, he tries to remind me to just stay calm but it really triggers me when he’s yelling in my face or being willfull or not listening for the ninetieth time that day. I can’t seem to master the patient-silly balance that seems to work well with this age.

Please any suggestions or help, I’m absolutely desperate and don’t know how to go on.

Any ideas?

If you were raised with addiction and abuse have you received any form of counselling or trauma for this?
Ongoing abuse in childhood can lead to CPTSD which can massively affect your ability to cope with stressful situations and your response to noise.
I would speak to your GP or a therapist and see if there are any channels you can go down for support on that front as that would put you in a much better place to be able to deal with your son's behaviour without becoming overwhelmed by it.

Sounds hard hard work OP, just commenting with support until others come along with suggestions 🌿💐🌿

Are your rules , expectations and boundaries for him normal and reasonable for a child his age ?

thank you all for the support. Counselling is a good shout, I’ve had short courses at times but perhaps longer or more ongoing support is useful. I’ve also wondered whether a parenting coach or something similar might be useful. But I don’t know where to start or find that?

@ChalkOutlines thank you, to be honest I’m not certain. It certainly feels more like a “me problem” as DH and his teachers say he’s age appropriate and just a bubbly, energetic 7 yo boy. I am grateful for him and his good health but it’s just like it’s too much for me to handle? If that makes sense? I am an older mum so probably starting peri, I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. But probably also certainly my own difficult childhood and lack of good care and role models playing a part now.

TBF waking you up with screamingly is incredibly annoying. He won't be doing that when he is 16.

Keep an eye on your own MH. Sometimes depression can feel like feeling "flat", never really feeling joy, rather than crying all the time.

When you say DH copes better than you does he do as much if the parenting as you do? Honestly it sounds like you need a wee break away from to help calm down your nervous system, like you are on hyper alert, nerves jangling, and a bit of quiet and space might do you a world of good. Book a night in a hotel and spend at least 24h away from home with no one one demanding anything from you.

That’s why I asked. I mean kids can definitely be annoying and can have bad habits that can and should be corrected in an age appropriate way. Like the shouting in your face. However , some behaviours are literally just normal and a part of age appropriate development. Correcting these is not just unfair but requires quite extreme measures (like you mentioned spanking,shouting etc.). You’re literally fighting against nature and him developing.

On top of this , due to your upbringing you might have a very fixed (but unhealthy/unrealistic/unreasonable) idea of how kids should be . Either because that’s what was drilled into you (possibly abusively) or you learned to behave a certain way to protect yourself. You can’t expect the same from a child growing in a loving, stable , supportive home.

These are just a few things to consider and explore for yourself. In therapy would be best, but you can try and do the work yourself too. It’s just very hard as it requires you to dig very deep.

To begin with, I’d start with a few non negotiable behaviours you do want to correct. I’d use carrot (rewards, praise etc) rather than stick to begin with. For example with the shouting in the mornings , you could have a rule around times or knock first, and wait to be told to come in , or come in quietly. Then praise the behaviour every time it happens (thank you for waiting/coming in so nicely, come for a cuddle, this is lovely isn’t it kind of thing). Rewards can be snuggles with you, watching telly in bed with you, a nice breakfast, stickers for a bigger reward at the end (and if he forgets, oh well nevermind, you can try again tomorrow ), or whatever works well for you. This should work with other things too. If no improvement at all, then you can look at stick/consequence options. I have plenty of ideas for that too.

But like I said, first you need to decide what is reasonable and what isn’t, what’s important and what isn’t, what you can let go and what you can’t. Maybe you can consult with your husband on that.

I would also suggest activities where he uses more energy than you do. It can be hard in. the summer but we used to always schlep ours out to classes on a Sat morning. By lunchtime they had had a good run around, we had fully woken up and absorbed our coffee, and we had sort of equalised our energy levels a bit. That's a much better starting point for the afternoon than hyper child and exhausted parent.

Having him invite a friend over can be good for that energy equalisation too, especially if little sister is a big too young to do things that push a 7 year old physically. Take them out to a play trail or trampoline park. He will be more independent with a friend there and won't be so reliant on your responses.

It’s a tricky age with energetic boys. Does he play any sports? If not I’d suggest you get him involved in some. Practising at home or watching professional sport on tv is a good opportunity to bond, traveling to and from practise or matches is a good time to talk and it will give him an outlet for his energy.

For yourself it’s really hard. It’s fine if it feels performative sometimes-go with the ‘fake it til you make it’ idea.
Are you on HRT?

I meant trauma therapy, can't edit it.

Talking therapy can be good but I know that many people with CPTSD from childhood trauma do very well with EMDR.

I also likely have CPTSD however from prolonged abuse in adulthood. Prior to this experience I actually taught children with behavioural difficulties and was very capable at supporting and managing their behaviour. After this experience I found I could barely cope with my own children's very average and developmentally-appropriate challenging behaviour. My brain would just shut down if they would whine or cry and I couldn't think clearly or properly. I wouldn't address things well, even though I knew exactly how I should address it and prior to my experience I did, afterwards I just couldnt. When I realised what was going on and how much it was affecting my parenting I started to focus on healing myself (and I am still in the process of doing that). I hope at some point to do EMDR but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I have been focusing on my own mental and physical wellbeing, removing triggers and stressors where possible so that I am not overloaded and overwhelmed when my kids start to play up. I also have strategies I use when I do get overwhelmed so that I am not responding in unhelpful ways to their behaviour to bring myself back down to a place where I am calm enough to respond in a better way.

The more positive a place you are in, the better positioned you will be to deal with his behaviour and respond appropriately.

Thank you for the very helpful suggestions. @ChalkOutlines I reckon carrot is vastly better than stick, but it’s not something that was offered to me as a child so it’s so unintuitive. I just feel triggered and shout. Not wonderful, I know. Not always on the first round but by the third go, my patience is worn. I wish I had someone who could whisper in my ear. I also have it in my head that I need to be firm and hold my boundaries to help guide him but I reckon I hold the wrong boundaries or am inflexible when I should be more understanding. We had a much better relationship when he was younger, even as a toddler and preschooler it felt somewhat natural to me. Now it’s like I don’t recognise him or myself. Setting a few firm boundaries and ground rules sounds like a good place to begin, though.

@Littlerockflo thank yoi, and I’m sorry to hear what you’ve gone through. I was also diagnosed with PTSD stemming from severe childhood abuse issues, I had therapy then but didn’t seem to have any ongoing issues that really impeded me, until now. I’m quite worried this is affecting our relationship (I know it is, but I worry about the implications for the future) so perhaps therapy for myself is a good place to start. It helps to know I’m not alone in feeling this way, so thank you for sharing 💐