Decluttering, without feeling like a traitor.

[Yodeldodeldo]

It's summer hols. The house is bursting at the seams.

I fully acknowledge I have my own part to play.
My weight fluctuates massively and I have clothes to fit size 12 to 18. I'm currently smaller, but really struggle to let go of bigger stuff in case. Especially new with tags stuff.

I have a child with special needs. I have always struggled with feeling like I just don't understand this child as much as my other children. I don't get what makes him tick. So whenever he showed an interest in anything I overspent on books, toys and dvds to encourage the interest. There is so much in the way of unused gifts because he actually found it overwhelming.

And then my mother. She grew up very poor after her dad died young in an accident. I think she has a trauma response of some sort. She has food security anxiety. She can be very generous, she has just given me 500 euros spending money for the family holiday. She has also given me 30-40 summer sun dresses for the holiday, 8 bottles of sunscreen of varying vintage, 4 pairs of sandals which might fit dd. 6 recipe books. A steam mop cleaner. And this is in one week.

A few years ago she had a house fire due to an electrical fault. Her house was cleared. She has refilled it.

I cannot cope with this overfull house. I cannot clean it as I like. It needs repairs and redecoration. I cannot cope with the expectation to host overnight at Xmas, and yet my house is full. I have a smaller house than others in the family but am expected to act as a storage facility or be seen as ungrateful. Family members from my husband's side probably think I am such a slob.

I feel tremendous guilt over money I have wasted on clothes and stuff for ds trying to keep him happy.

PLEASE talk sense in to me that it is ok to let go. How do I refuse more stuff from my mum without upsetting her?

Its absolutely fine to let stuff go - you’ve spent the money already, so you can’t “loose” it again. If you found the energy you could try selling stuff to recoup your loses but honestly I’d just get rid. My rule of thumb is if it hasn’t been used in the last year, and there no particular reason for that (eg seasonal decorations) then out it goes.

I’ve just had a huge declutter of things I just kept holding on to because it was useful, or a gift, or it was new (but unused for years). It’s very freeing to only have things you love and you use. If you really can’t say “no” to your mum, I’d thank her kindly and drop it off at a charity shop - not even bring it in the house. No one needs 30 dresses, no one. Keep a couple that you like. Get rid of the rest.

If your child has a special interest get one related thing, if they use it great, if not it’s just one thing.

What she said!
...
But if the steam mop cleaner works and you can find somewhere sensible to store it, I'd keep that ;)

Practically, how likely, really, are you to be asked about stuff passed on to you? Is it honestly going to be more than your list of plausible excuses? I'm sure any particular item could be said to be dropped/stained/eaten by moths... Put somewhere safe but you can't remember where...

As an aside I was given a craft item by a relative - I was touched, but didn't have much of an idea of what we could do with it - the dog actually did chew it, but she never asked anyway!

Bin the old suncream for a start.
Try on the sundresses - keep 8 and bring the rest to a charity shop.

I have found Dana K White incredibly helpful (YouTube, audiobooks, podcasts).

If it feels like a big psychological problem I'd recommend the audiobook 'Buried in Treasures' which helped me when I was in the foothills of hoarding. It's written by psychologists who help people with hoarding disorder and really helped me understand the effect of trauma.

Good luck.

Seconded. Plus… she has ADHD, if that encourages anyone.

Thank you all. I will look into those book recommendations

I have a smaller house than others in the family but am expected to act as a storage facility or be seen as ungrateful

I'm always curious what people mean when they say 'I'm expected to....'. If it doesn't suit you, then just don't let them impose their standards on you or benefit themselves to your detriment. MN says 'don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm'. Do not accept stuff you don't want or need and do not feel guilty. They're not considering your feelings when they dump stuff on you. So no need to consider their's if you don't accept it.

30 to 40 dresses is ridiculous. Old suncream is potentially dangerous if it doesn't protect.

Your DM sounds like a hoarder. That's a whole other issue, but you do not need to take after her. If you want to declutter, do so. Perhaps watch the BBC sort your life out podcast for inspiration. They do cover the often trauma behind cluttered houses but they help people see that it's still OK to have less stuff.

Perhaps aim to significantly declutter your house by Christmas. But don't host if you don't want to. Make sure that's shared fairly amongst the family too. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want. Sounds like everyone else does.

Be honest with your mum

“I love you mum but we are drowning in kindness have you seen our house? We can’t swing a kitten in there. How about instead of buying us random things en masse you treat us to a day out? Spending time with you doing something that makes the kids happy is much more important. I need to have a ruthless declutter, and that might include some things you have given us, do you want them back to rehome or can I donate them as I see fit? (I wouldn’t tell her you throw them out even if you do)”

Then hire a skip and fill it.

I find it’s helpful psychologically if you can move stuff on to a new owner or good cause (decent items, obviously!), or just ensure it’s disposed of as ethically as possible rather than just lobbing it all in landfill. It gets over that feeling of guilt around ‘waste’.

I group together similar items (books, CDs, appliances, clothes, small furniture, etc) and then check everywhere that might be interested in taking it. Some companies will even collect.

As well as taking good clothes, charity shops will often take bags of clean ‘rags’ - stuff that’s past its usable life - as they get paid per kilo by recycling companies, and there are hygiene banks that will take unused, in-date toiletries.
You can drop old medicines and make up at certain branches of Boots for disposal.

Freecycle is brilliant for moving stuff on locally, and in a pinch you can leave good quality things at the front of your house (depending where you live) and put a ‘please take’ note on it. In a town or city it won’t be there long.

Doing it this way is a slower process and takes more time and effort, but it can be a more manageable way of dealing with a big volume of stuff if you’re feeling overwhelmed, and lessen the ‘waste shame’, which is a horrible feeling if you’re prone to it.

Oh, and once you’re done, you have to put a hard stop on other people’s shite crossing your threshold. These things may be disguised as gifts and kindness, but all your family are doing is avoiding making hard decisions about their own stuff by foisting it all on you just to get shot of it, and leaving you with all the guilt and worry of disposing of it. Just no.

Hire a skip. Fill it. Nothing will go to waste because skip hire companies sort through everything and make money out of the contents.

It sounds like you don't have the time or energy to list it all on Ebay or other selling sites.

I can't stand clutter and generally having loads of stuff. It makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Also - use an app like Music Magpie or We Buy Books. You just scan the barcode of the item, put it in a box, and they come and pick it all up and pay you. I got rid of 18 boxes of books, CDs and DVDs and made a few quid.

On a diet coke break.

I have started on the clothes. I can't actually put all my clothes away. They are in a heap at the end of the bed and I have to sleep in a certain position diagonally because of them. Its a wonder DH hasn't filed for divorce.

I have been ruthless on the size 16 -18 stuff. 4 bags so far. One bag entirely full of new with tags clothes. I'm going to put most in clothing bins but the brand new stuff i will take to a charity shop tomorrow to help my guilt.

I just can't face vinted/ebay.

I have also chucked out a carrier bag of old make up. I can't be bothered wearing a full face more than on special occasions, and I've come to peace with this.

I feel like I have hit the hoarders equivalent of rock bottom.

Well done, that’s a great start. Please don’t feel guilty, you’re disposing of things as ethically as you can manage - it feels like a mountain to climb but step by step you’ll get there.

you've made a great start, well done. you need a serious conversation with your mother that she isn't to give you any stuff.

I am stunned at how you bagged up all that stuff so far, very well done. Keep the momentum up now!

I hope I haven't inherited my late mother's stashing abilities 😊, so I'm now on to my own cleanse, donate, and refresh. I'm finding it easy enough to my surprise. I live on my own now and don't want anyone to have to wade through tons of crap when I snuff it!

The key for me is to bag it up and hand it over immediately to a trusted friend who will deliver to the charity shop/clothes bank, because I would continually open the bags, and hmm and haw about taking stuff out just in case!

I’m stuck with DH who thinks it’s his responsibility to hold onto anything his parents touched. He fails to realise if anything happens to him I would get rid of it all. He’s not keeping it for anyone, DD isn’t going to want loads of rubbish from people she doesn’t even remember.
I feel terrible getting rid of clothes especially as some are much better quality than you buy now. I made myself throw out lots of lingerie lately because I am her going to wear silky pants again.
I have cleared out some clothes but am still drowning in them.

@Lemonorzo and OP, something else to have a read about is Swedish Death Cleaning. It's not grim, it's about not burdening your relatives with possessions that they almost certainly won't want and definitely won't want to have to sort through after you are gone.

It encourages people to get rid of stuff while they're still healthy enough to do it, and also gives you permission to let go of things you've inherited from your parents that you don't want and serve no purpose.

Op, you’ve made a fantastic start!
Practice saying to relatives who offload on you, “That’s lovely, thanks, but I haven’t got room for anything else, and I think DH will leave me if I bring anything else into the house! “
I’ve used services like Anglo Doorstep Collections when getting to a charity shop has been difficult, also Webuybooks. It helps focus if you it’s going to be collected on a specific date.

Holding onto possessions for emotional reasons needs unpicking. But good that you're recognising the signs now and you can do something about it.
Your Mum is using you now as an extension for her own hoarding. This is something you need to stop before you're drowning in even more stuff.
It's easy to think all this gubbins has value because of its cost when new. But realistically as second hand stuff, most of it has very little residual value. It might be useful to someone else so let it go.
Do a little bit maybe once a week - either a room or a cupboard and be realistic about what you will use and need.
Just say no to storing anything for anyone else.

Right, 3 bin bags went to the clothing bank. 1 to charity shop tomorrow.

I'm finding all of these posts helpful, thank you. I do think my mum is using me as an extension to her hoarding. When she gives stuff to me she doesn't have to make a hard decision on it.

When she gave me the box of dresses on Saturday she explained she didn't want them because she feels the tops of her arms are all saggy with age. When I asked her what to do with the dresses that don't fit me she said she'd have to have them back to do something with them or alter them somehow. But they are all size 14 so should be "plenty big enough", and if they are the wrong shape for me its somehow my fault that clothes bought with someone else in mind do not fit my body.

She lives nearby, she visits and arrives with more stuff every time.

My brother lives miles away and when she loads his car up he drives straight to the recycling centre on the way home.

I really need to stand my ground because its making me resentful

OP - when my kids were little, I used to park by the bins when we got home from nursery/pre school. They ran to the house and I bunged the “art of the day” straight in the bin unless it was truly fridge exhibition worthy. They never noticed. Adopt a similar stance with your mum, don’t let it cross the threshold!
Well done with the clothes - think of the good it’ll do the charity shop.

Op I am here as a decluttering buddy if you want one.

I have decluttered maybe 3 times in the past 5 or so years, but clearly not properly! I have limited storage and too much stuff. I am struggling financially which makes "just getting rid" harder.

I don't feel like i have had LOADS of stuff coming back in but must be wrong looking at the house. That said, 2 children just result in a constant flow of newer stuff and outgrown/no longer used stuff.

Really need to sort it out once and for all.