Anyone else feel that they do all the inviting and organising and if they didn't, they'd never leave the house ??

[SonnyHoney]

Does anyone else feel like they're the one that always does all the inviting and organising of activities without it being reciprocated much ??

At Christmas I've organised meals out, trips to cinema, days out, Play dates etc.

I invite people around my house. I feel like it's often not reciprocated. I don't think it's through myself or my daughter not being liked. People always willingly come and seem pleased to see us. She seems loved by her friends and my daughter gets invited to birthday parties etc.

I just know that if I don't organise days out and meetups during the summer holidays, my daughter will hardly see her friends.

It actually makes me feel quite lonely. I didn't grow up in this area. On facebook I always see my friends from my old town meeting up all the time, doing fun things and I wish I had a circle of people around me like that.

Do many of your friends have more than one DC? Are you a single parent?

A close friend is single with one DC, and she’s often the one organising playdates and meet-ups. I think it’s because she naturally wants company for both herself and her daughter, whereas the rest of the friendship group are married with 2–3 DC, so we tend to spend more time doing things as our own families.

For example, last October she asked in the group chat if anyone had Halloween plans. We all shared our own family plans, but she suggested we all go to a local play farm as well. We had a great time, but I think if she hadn’t organised it, we’d all have happily stuck to our original plans. She just wanted her daughter to have that shared experience, which is completely understandable.

I actually feel the opposite-I am quite happy being at home with DH/the kids/on my own, but often feel pressure from texts etc from other groups of friends to do stuff and ‘book things in’. I adore seeing everyone, but would probably do it less often if it were down to me!

yes 100%,it can be an advantage when DH has some ideas i'm not onboard with,i just do nothing about it and it never happpens 😂. you don't have to do everything,just pick and choose and don't accommodate everything.

It's because other people literally can't be arsed

I did all of this in the past and my friends ended up disappearing into their little family unit anyway. I must admit, I thought it was easier for people with families.

But yeah it's a thing

i've even had a couple of people ask me when I was going to organise the next thing. When I suggested they might like to organise something, they looked at me as if I'd suggested they join an organised crime gang.

I’ve actually given up and it’s quite freeing! I just don’t bother and we do our own things quite happily now. Yet funnily enough the other people we used to see have noticed but my brains checked out and I’ve moved on!

I'm really pathologically bad at organising things. I just don't have the self confidence that I am popular enough for anyone to turn up. So I really love the people like you who do have that confidence. Sorry for me and my kind. We do love meeting up, but just can't ever bring ourselves to do the organising due to paralysing self doubt!

Well, presumably you’re organising and inviting because you have a greater need for contact than the other people in your circle, so you’re (rightly) centring your own needs. Other people have less need for contact or socialising, or they’re fulfilling that need elsewhere?

I think it's really important, even if we do enjoy time in just with our own families. Because other friends/family might not have partners, and none of us know what the future is so it's important to keep bonds there.
When I was younger, there was one girl in our group who really did all the organising, and looking back I feel bad that we all left it to her.

I have to say, being single and trying to make friends with people in families is impossible. The downside of having moved to a nice area. Pretty but no one wants friends. It's very isolating.

Sympathies OP. It is hard but it's also very common. Lots of people don't think about how nice it would be to receive an invitation rather than constantly being the one to give an invitation.

One thing that I do with a couple of groups of friends is that we organise the next get together when we are already at a get together. We tend to go out for lunch every couple of months so at the end of one lunch we work out a date that suits everyone for the next catch up and take turns at choosing where we go. Whoever chooses makes the booking. I appreciate this is different when all the get togethers are at someones' home though because you can't exactly invite yourself over.

Also over time, some friends have figured it out and do make more of an effort. This usually came after I stopped extending so many invitations to them though and they realised they were missing out by no reciprocating.

I would say, keep going and give yourself a pat on the back for being a wonderful friend and a great mum for your DD. I think teaching our DC how to be a good friend and how to socialise is an important skill and people who don't do that are doing their DC a real disservice. But do take a step back if you are feeling used. You don't deserve that.

It’s absolutely a thing. During Covid I couldn’t do it, and then was poorly for a couple of years: and yeah, I found that in many groups, I was the one making all the effort. But there are a few friends who also make effort: so spend more time with them now.
we have one child, and no family nearby; so we do invite other kids over: otherwise our son would be very lonely

I organised a big party for my 50th birthday, and I looked around and realised the room was full of people who regularly accepted invitations from me but never reciprocated. So I now match energy - if someone is just a meet for a coffee person, that's what we do. If I'm never invited to theirs, then I don't bother inviting them to mine. It's made my life much easier and not actually had much impact on my friendships.

I have a mixture of friends with 1 or 2 DC's however most of my friends have older children. My daughter is 11, I also have a 16 year old son but I'm not organising meetings for him!

Also not a single parent, Married but husband works ALOT. We both do however I take some time off during the school holidays and I find that I'm always the one saying "Hey, Fancy doing/Going to/Coming over...."

I can actually think of a friend who may feel that way actually, but can't imagine the others to be like that.

I'm sure you're loved by many, Surprise people...Give it a go. x

I think you’re right that I probably need to take a small step back and see whether anyone notices and makes an effort themselves, Although I do feel my DD will miss out if I do.

I completely agree about teaching our children to make an effort with friendships . I feel that I had a great childhood surrounded by friends growing up in the area that I did.

But what would the point of you doing that be? Almost certainly, your social life will just shrivel because you have more of a need for contact than the other people around you. They’re not going to get in touch because they don’t need it.

I think it's often down to personality. I'm like you - I organise and invite. Luckily I have some friends who are similar, but there are a couple who aren't. One of them I've been friends with for twenty years and it's always me doing the inviting. I used to take it personally (I'm not saying you are) but I've realised she's like that with everyone, she's just a bit in her own world. She'll always respond to an invite though and all these years in I know she loves me dearly and would do anything for me... except get around to inviting me somewhere 😆 Maybe you happen to know a lot of her 'type'!