Struggling with my mother's lies after rehab and her supposed return to work

[pontipinemum]

There is a huge backstory, which I have posted about before.

My mother is recently out of rehab for alcohol use disorder and needs to see the company doctor before returning to work. She keeps saying she is desperate to get back to work and have some routine.

I know she is drinking again. She knows I know.

When she was in rehab, she asked me to keep an eye on her emails. I still do, although I know I probably should not.

Last week she told me she had just come home from the company doctor, that the appointment had gone really well and that they were very happy with her progress. That she 'was clearly doing everything she was supposed to'

Yesterday I saw an email she had sent about 20 minutes before speaking to me. Saying ''I am trying to call someone about my appointment but no one is answering the phone I have got lost and I am only in place I will have to reschedule for another day my apologies about this''

I do not even know what I am asking. I just feel hurt, angry, confused and completely fed up. I know her drinking, work and recovery are not my responsibility, but I am so tired of being lied to and left questioning what is real.

I know addicts lie. I know it is a disease. But it still hurts.

You need to disengage, for your own sake. Grey rock and stop taking responsibility for, checking emails, hoping she will actually change. She says something “that’s nice “ , change the subject. The sooner you actually stop caring (and probably hoping she’ll be the mum you want/need) the better.

You are right. I put my first set of boundaries in place with her last November. Her drinking then went off the scale - hospitals/ rehab x2/ excuses. It had been over 1 year in counselling to get to that point.

I have kept those boundaries in place and keep putting in new ones to protect myself but it is very difficult.

My mind and body fight over this. My mind says 'leave her to it, she is not your responsibility' my body says 'ahhhhhh fix it fix it fix it, make her happy, make it all better'

I am going with my mind but it is hard fighting the instincts in my body.

What type of job is she in?

A civil service office type job

She also told me she saw the same company doc a week before and all went well. I have no idea if that is true.

So wouldn’t pose any kind of risk of managed to get past doctor and return to work still drinking?

No, none at all. From her past behaviour she won't drink at work.

Oh love, i know that primal urge. The truth is though, you can’t fix it. You can’t love her into being better.You can’t compete with addiction or expect that she’ll love/want you more or that you should be enough. You can’t do more. There is no more.It’s also very important to remember that it’s not a reflection on you and who you are as a daughter/person.

The only way to keep some form of relationship (if you really want to ) and be emotionally safe is to let go (especially of what could be)and disengage . Keep going to therapy.

My BIL eventually died as a result of alcohol abuse. He would lie about what the doctors and hospital had told him about his health ( DH who is in health care would know that what was said was very unlikely). He'd lie about stopping drinking or "only having a few". He never accepted he was an alcoholic just that he was unlucky and liver failure could have happened to any of his friends who drink socially.

Eventually he was found dead in his flat, it appeared he'd stopped going to hospital appointments and had been vomitting blood but not sought help. Flat was full of wine boxes.

There's not much you can do except not let it affect your life too negatively.

@pontipinemum have you tried seeking support from Al-Anon. It's great you are in therapy. Al-Anon are really good for helping to disengage/protect yourself. The online meetings are great.

Wishing you, and your mum, all the best. I hope she finds her recovery.

Come over to the support thread on the alcohol board. We're here to help you.