Feeling rather down in the dumps over curtain things. Need a safe space to rant

[sodoffbeforemycupofcoff]

I’m sat here this evening, as a very single, lonely and fed up mother of two at the age of 30.

I am reminiscing on my past. Where did time go?
I have always felt somewhat different to others. Socially awkward, never fit in, short tempered, hard to hold down friendships as I’m not you’re “typical girl” and was trying hard to fit in to the right friends groups which never lasted.
I found my ex and we were always like friends had a great time going out drinking and what not with all of our friends but 6 years in we ended due to him cheating. I ended my relationship when I was pregnant.
12 months after I met my other ex, he turned out morbidly abusive. He did a real number on me. I fell utterly head over heels for him because I did not know what a narcissistic or an abuser was (or so I’d thought). I met this man who was incredible to me and my child and my family but he had a very vicious side when no one else was around. When my child went to her fathers and no one else was around he would start the abuse. He was rotten to the core. He took so much away from me with my first child because I was a nervous ball over him and I could not think straight. I feel like my whole first experience was clouded. However, I fell pregnant to him, by a total fluke. The abuse progressed and he abused me in front of my (our) child so I fled.
i am now in a council flat and have been 1.5years with no sign of a house any time soon..(well I am in top 5 on the council list but it’s still going to be months and not weeks if I’m lucky!).
I feel so bad on these kids. At what point did I fuck up so badly for all on our lives. They deserve so much better than this and I’m trying. I’m working the hours under the sun to provide and trying to keep upbeat in this grotty little one bedroom flat. I just got a follow request on social media from a man I’d met when me and my 2nd child’s father split but I binned him off for my ex. He was so lovely and down to earth. A real soft heart. It’s a good job he swerved me really because I’d have only brought trouble to his door with my ex partner and this guy from work is now happily engaged which I’m so happy for him about.
I just feel sorry for myself this evening and wonder… is this my life? Chapter closed? How have I got me and my children here.

I always felt socially awkward until I got much older, peri menopause, I enjoy who I am now, have developed confidence as I got older

But part of that, is sort of accepting that most people have a life that you describe. I dont mean the exact details of course not, I mean the trials and tribulations.

Sites like this dont help actually, I find a lot of posters are supercillious, smug, have their 'standards' and accuse others of having a 'low bar'. Actually we're all just average people some with partners who arent perfect, some with friends who arent perfect, we're all works in progress where we are still developing enough confidence or skills. Many of us dont have these incomes people bandy around, talk of 'why arent you training up to progress in your 'career'.

Actually many people do the job they can get and theres not going to be any progression. Thats real life

Once you accept that, you realise that you're not a failure, we're all the same.

Thank you for taking the time to write me back.
I think my biggest burden is seeing and watching my children grow the past 1.5years and not being able to provide properly while I wait for a property. Well I mean I definitely provide, but I feel so crap because it isn’t a home for us. Well for them. I don’t really care about me

The big revelation might be that you do not need a romantic relationship to be fulfilled. Just do things for you and your children and enjoy living as much as you can.
You don't need money to go to the park, watch for birds, look at the stars, check out the flowers etc.
Try and live for the now and make the best of what you have now. The rest will follow.
Edited to add their home is where you are.

Thank you so much. You’re right. I do take them out we go out and we do things every weekend it’s just that I can’t give them their own room, the pets they want and a forever home just yet.

You are providing 'properly'. Fed, loved, taken to school, healthy, hygienic.

That is it, thats providing.

There was a thread on here the other day about some mum panicking about not providing 'memories'. I gave my most vivid memory which was about dog shit.

But then I thought about all the shopping trips I had, for some reason they are quite vivid too. Kicking leaves along, walking along the 'back doubles' as my mum would say, holding heavy bags helping my mum with the shopping. Picking runner beans in the back garden my mum grew. Losing my goggles in the swimming pool.

Mundane stuff. Never went abroad until I was 18 and that was with mates, not my parents.

I love this.
I do love to get out and about with my kids. It is so much pressure to go above and beyond these days. I really miss the “old school” life. Baking, cosy evenings, little strolls the simple pleasures. Now it is all who can spend the most and look the most athletically pleasing.

Oh darling, your life is just beginning. You are young. You're blessed with two children. You are going to get a better property soon and make it your own. You'll get through this tough time and come out of the other side sooner than you think.

Just delete Instagram, Facebook and TikTok. Your life will be immeasurably better.

People dont seem to live in the moment and enjoy what they have, so they're perpetually disappointed and upst and frustrated while they wait for the next thing, with their eyes on the next thing instead of right now.

Enjoy right now.

Simple pleasures are all DC need. They want to be with you. Banging saucepans, emptying cupboards, playing with water…

One of the most popular activities in a nursery I ran, was painting with water. Proper little paint pots, brushes of different shapes and sizes, and water. Paint on paper, paint on outside walls… paint on the pavement… and within moments it’s disappeared and you can paint again.

Using a straw to blow bubbles in water, add a drop of washing up liquid and see if you can make so much bubble foam it climbs out of the tub!

Anything, as long as you are playing with them. That’s what makes memories and brings joy!

Don't get too hung up about it, you just need to pull your self together and you will be back on track.

I actually did this the other day funnily enough. I take regular breaks.

Such wise and true words. You’re SO right. I just need to focus on this. It’s hard when your mind wonders. I’m so thankful for my kids but beat myself up on why I got us here. That’s my issue

You dont need to miss the "old school", give this to your children. These are the kinds of things they will remember in 50/60 years time and pass on to their kids/grandkids. What they need most is your love, and your time.

My favourite childhood memories were always with my grandparents. They were almost 70 when i was born and much older than my friends grandparents, but my favourite childhood memories involve things like cooking and baking with my nan, listening to ye olde audio books (on a record player!) with my grandad. And my lovely uncle coming round to see me there too, and the stupid little games we used to play together 🥹

I think you should be celebrating escaping the abusive relationship. My mum was telling me about a friend of hers who has been married for 35 years to an abusive man… physical but a lot of financial abuse too. He’s currently off on holiday while she is left at home with no access to money. Look how strong you were to get out. You did that. Be proud of yourself that you got out and have autonomy over your life.

I’d start a Pinterest account if you haven’t got one already and start planning what your life could look like. I don’t mean the aesthetics although it could be a board on decorating a one bedroom flat, or low cost activities with kids, simple life type activities. Also get yourself to the library if you’re not members already and have a little wander and imagine. I picked up a book on Guerilla gardening and now I’ve got my eye on a little scrubby patch near my house. It’s such a stupid ambition but I’m going to seed it with some wildflowers.

The best thing you can give children is your time and attention. Not having a partner who might also be expecting your attention could be an advantage.
Also modelling a happy, content individual is a great thing to do. You’re not trying to impress others or faking a glamorous life on fb.
Small children can be exasperating but, looking back as I’m a DGM now, their young childhood only takes up a smallish part of your whole life. It sounds like you are making the most of that, well done.

I agree with this. Just stay single OP .

Claim child maintenance?

Also would advise waiting at least three years before you conceive as you don’t really get to see a persons true colours in the early days

I love this! I’ve gone out today and I’ve bought some board games and my children some new colouring things. We need more time from electronics. My kids are at my parents a lot after school while I wrap up with work. I am trying to find a part time job enough to pay a wage that will allow us to live comfortably and also gives me time with them. Although… I will take the loss in money on myself long as they have what they need. You are right. It is about love.