Checking phone

[purpleme12]

My child is 12
Was checking her phone like you do sometimes
And she's texting her 'boyfriend' (not really a relationship in the true sense of the word), although they're not 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' anymore so friend

After the football

And he's saying 'messi better get fucking banged after the game the little 4 foot twat'
And
'fucking little bollocks speccy cunt the little twats are fucking gay assholes'

Is this normal?? Does everyone speak like that?? I swear sometimes and I expect the odd 'shit' and 'fuck' or whatever but I think those texts are disgusting

Encouraging violence, speaking in a derogatory fashion about people with glasses and gay people - yes I’d say his texts are fully disgusting.

Do you think I should speak to her about it?

I would - it’s revolting.

Almost certainly he’s writing verbatim what his dad has said.

Also, why wouldn't you speak to her about it? I would speak to any of my adult female friends if their boyfriends were texting the same. Or if I heard it in the pub. Or anywhere. It's truly vile.

Well I was hesitant because it firstly it wasn't towards her and secondly to be honest I think she just has has that thing where they roll their eyes when you try to say about anything like this

Are you friends with his mum? I would screenshot them and send them to her. Im mean like that though.

Am inclined to agree. It’s absolutely disgusting.

I don't know the parents, no

He called someone else a tart in another message which I don't agree with either. But it's not as bad as the above messages

Screenshot and send to the parents and to the school.

That’s also completely inappropriate. Please speak to your dd.

How would you talk to your child about it? Like for example how would you phrase it?

To try not to not just get the immediate reaction of 'oh mum 🙄' type thing

God there is such a low bar for children’s behaviour.

Ask her whether she enjoys receiving those texts. Get her thinking about what she deems acceptable, and whether that behaviour/acceptance is normal.

I think this is a good place to start.

Thanks both
Will try this angle

You're the parent - who cares if someone rolls their eyes, you don't set your kid on the pathway to thinking this is normal or ok by not talking about it. Ask her how she feels about receiving messages like this - if she thinks it's fine to advocate for violence or to talk about other people in society that way. It's a tough part of being a parent, but it is very much part of being a parent. You can't opt out because your tween rolls her eyes at you.

It's not about opting out
It's about asking for opinions and advice and ways to try get her to actually listen and take in what I'm saying rather than shutting off
Which as you can see I've asked for advice because I want to do the best thing

I wasn't saying that you would - I made the comment because you felt the need to ask here rather than just go and do it. I would have done it in a second. None of us know your child and your relationship with her and how she takes in information. Fine to get advice, but often people on here ask for advice, do nothing, and come back a week later asking for advice again - glad you are not one of them, we've seen it too often. I am very pleased you are going to tackle it head on, this stuff cannot be allowed to fester. I work with community groups and one tween said to another in the last school holidays: "Stop being so gay!" I didn't know him from a bar of soap and I didn't post on here, I pulled him up there and then, and he wasn't my kid! When the parents came to collect him they were very grateful. And I hope they carried on the conversation at home. And this was arguably in a very rough part of north Wales.

I did talk to her about it all. And I think we had a good conversation actually. And she did take it in. I also said she doesn't have to just not say anything to the person if it's something she doesn't agree with. Sometimes I think she just lets things go so as not to rock the boat or maybe she thinks they won't like her or something I don't know.

Yesterday this boy texted her saying he was 'smashed' as someone had bought him loads of alcohol at a wedding party he'd been to!

He's the epitome of a silly young man isn't he?!

Glad you had the conversation with her and I'll bet she grows out of him sooner than you think.