How do I move past this?

[Shewas]

I have a friend who is "a laugh". She can be very good company but has no filter and can be self centred. She's one of those people who can say things no one else could get away with because "you know, it's just Anne".

She's also been very good to me in some really tough times.

Some months ago she and her husband were planning a 6 week trip to the other side of the world, partly to see family and partly as a holiday.

As the trip approached, the reality of the length of the flight dawned and she decided she didn't want to go. Every time we met up, either just the two of us or in a group she'd go on an on about how awful to was going to be, how DH wouldn't cancel because of all the thousands they'd spent. This in itself was fairly insensitive becuase she was generally speaking to people who couldn't spend that on a holiday in their wildest dreams, but she started "wishing" for another pandemic so she wouldn't have to go.

She was joking, I know, she didn't really think she had the power to wish a pandemic, but that time was truly awful for me and my DC.

DH had a terminal illness and was in hospital for three months with no visitors. Neither I nor my DC saw their dying Dad for three months, and when he came home, to die, was a shadow of the man they'd previously known, in tremendous pain and requiring FT care. I don't use the word trauma lightly, but DC and I are still recovering.

So to repeatedly hear her making the whole situation into a joke was very hard to take and although not consciously, I stepped away from her a bit because I found her really difficult to be around. There would have been no point trying to tell her because she was "only joking".

She's now telling everyone I was rude to her when I didn't want to chat.

I can't bear people like that. She sounds massively insensitive but also one of those people who overreact when anyone says anything back.

You definitely need to distance yourself, and if anyone asks why tell them. Sorry for your loss.

Be honest with everyone about how hurtful her "joke" is.

I wouldn't be able to get past this.

Im sorry for your loss and the difficult time you endured.

Bless you @Shewas , you and your kids have been through hell, and naturally still grieving and processing your loss. Focus on getting help, therapy to support you all.

As for ‘say it as it is’ laugh a minute Anne, that’s easy. Drop her. Just ignore her. People like her lack empathy and are so self absorbed that there’s zero point in trying to make her understand. You can’t change her, only your reaction to her. And as for what other people think, well, anyone worthwhile would understand completely what she’s like. Those that don’t can jog on too.

Distance yourself. There’s Anne’s every where. The trick is avoiding them, and focusing on kind nice people. She’s toxic. Life, as you sadly found out can be hard and brutal. And short. So don’t waste another minute on her. I really wish you and your kids well.

Just says she was joking about Covid and you where unable to see the joke.
I doubt anyone would see her side.

I know, I know, but she's such a big character in all my overlapping social groups that we need to be able to get along or I become a hermit.

"She's now telling everyone I was rude to her when I didn't want to chat."

So set the record straight. If she says that in front of you, then say "You kept saying you wanted another pandemic when you knew what we went through last time. It was rude and incredibly insensitive"

And if it's being relayed to you by mutual friends, then tell them the same thing.

I'm so sorry for what your children and you are going through. For people who experienced the pandemic as an inconvenience, it's easy to forget that it has had a lasting and sometimes permanent traumatic effect for some of us. Your friend was insensitive and thoughtless and I think you should tell her that. Whether she accepts that and takes it on board is neither here nor there - you will have made her aware of your point of view. You can't move forward without that honesty, I think.

You could ask to meet for a coffee and just explain simply that her jokes were bringing back all the trauma of that awful time and explain why you withdrew a bit.

She will undoubtedly become defensive and insist she was only joking.

To keep the peace you could tell her that you know she was joking and that she didn't mean to hurt you, and suggest that you both move on and it's water under the bridge.

It's kinder than she deserves but you will never get anywhere with these types if you accuse them of anything. Good luck.

Bin her off. She is not a friend at all.

Appalling person she is. Sorry for your loss OP.

I would just be polite to her, but keep her massively at bay. No more meeting up alone.

With respect OP, many people went through hell during the pandemic and your friend knows this and knows your situation was particularly awful. It was a dumb joke and not with you in mind at all. I think you are being a little over sensitive. She sounds like a PITA though so if you want to distance yourself, I get it.

I know that, which is why I never said anything at the time. It did make her very difficult for me to be around though, and whilst I don't remember making a deliberate decision to avoid her, it's possible I wasn't as warm towards her as usual. It's that, or her response to it, which is causing the problem.

Agree.

@Shewas I would also be honest and blunt to her: your joke about wishing it was like the pandemic was insensitive. Have you forgotten what my family went through?

If she is anything other than hand on heart apologetic I would write her off.