My friend hates my relationship

[Pointyleaf]

She's been odd with me more or less since we got together nearly two years ago. It's been walking on eggshell and she's prone to a sulk, I often haven't known what was wrong until weeks later.

She was very good to me when DH died, and I'd started to think I was her little project and she's not enjoying the fact that I don't need her so much now, although I don't think I was ever needy, I did appreciate the support and companionship she offered. Still do.

She has been a sahm for the last 35 years (kids now adults) with a very nice lifestyle, provided by her DH's work, although he would agree she's been a key part of enabling him to do that.

Even when DH was alive, we were much more equal, I was the slightly higher earner and much more career oriented. Since he died I live well off my own earnings.

This is relevant because I recently challenged her about her oddness and she said she "just hoped for better for me". She agrees that DP is a kind and decent man, intelligent and caring, but she thought I'd be with someone professional.

I've worked with the kind of professionals she means and a good % of them are nasty cheats, and the way they talk about their "kept women" at home is not something I'd want to feature in.

DP works, pays his way, rents his home and contributes by way of dinner/wine when he stays at mine. He'll never be rich, but we have nice trips away, and mostly enjoy fairly simple things. I don't need or want him to support me.

I feel really offended on his behalf, but....is it possible she's trying to tell me something else?. I'd usually consider friends and family not being keen as a bit of a red flag.

She sounds like a snob! He's not good enough because he's not a 'professional.' It's you who are dating him, are you happy? That's worth more than any professional status.

I think she sounds a jealous that you don't need her really now! (and a bit snobbish... though what she has to be snobby about I'm not sure... being a SAHM for 35 years and never working at all is downright odd these days!)

If you like him, and he a decent, kind man, it's none of her business! Do your other friends think he's ok? Do your family think he's ok? It sounds like she is rather keen on status !

FWIW I came from an educated family, and married a man who left school at 16. My Mum thought he wasn't good enough .. she IS a snob.
We've been together 38 years now... he's a good, kind, hardworking man, and a wonderful father! She's stopped muttering now😆

Jealous.

Bin her off and take care of yourself and yours.

I'm very happy in the moment, but if I'm honest with myself I do have some lingering doubts about his financial future. He is absolutely paying his way currently, but if he were ill or retired I don't think he's got much behind him, and there is something that makes me wonder if I'm his retirement plan, probably partly fed by friend.

I've always made it very clear that he won't be moving in, which he seems very comfortable with, but if push came to shove and he had no where to live, I'm hardly going to see him on the streets.

But, I'm also aware I tend to catasrophsise which can spoil the present.

Fwiw I should probably say he's a bit younger than me and whilst I'm thinking about (very) early retirement in the next year or two, he's probably expecting to work for the next 20 years to state retirement age.

If stew a good friend I’d give some weight to her views, just tucked in the back of my mind. She may see something you don’t. She may equally be worried about a potential shift in your friendship which can happen with a new partner. Or she may be jealous and want to keep you in your place in her life. Only you will know what she’s like.

Financial compatibility is important in a relationship, not at all about the job he does but having similar goals and understanding about joint priorities. It sounds like you’re not looking for a live in relationship - does he know that? What are his longer term plans?

Yes. He knows. He knows I'll do nothing that risks my assets going anywhere but my DC, and also that I won't ever live with a man and take on all the drudgery again.

She might be jealous. But she might see that if this is for the long term you’ll be doing all the financial heavy lifting. It doesn’t sound like it has the potential to be a real partnership as your circumstances are so very different.

My mum had a similar situation. Told a boyfriend very clearly no marriage, no co-habitation and separate finances. He agreed and they rubbed along well for a few years until he and his family started wheedling and putting pressure on her to get engaged because he loved her so much. I think he did want to marry her, but it was also the case that they all saw ‘nurse with a purse’ as a way of ensuring his future and taking the responsibility off them. Luckily my mum held firm and they split up, but I was really pissed off with how it had been engineered to make her back down.

I think two things can be true, he loves you, and you’re a good financial insurance policy. This may be what your friend wanted to be different for you - not having another dependent.

FWIW he's younger than me, so more likely to be caring for me.

Why is he still renting? Is he very young?

If you're happy with the arrangement then it's up to you.

Jesus, she's got a cheek! What kind of professional is she? Oh, she's not, yet presumably she sees herself as good enough for her husband?!

I think she might feel a little threatened by your independce, OP. Maybe she felt your vulnerability in being widowed brought you down a notch to where she could feel superior or at least less in your shadow? Having a partner that comes with a certain job isn't of interest to you becasue you don't need the reflected glory. You're a capable woman in your own right - that's intimidating to some people.

No, he's late 40s. He's just never "settled down" or felt the need to buy.

I have a friend who is a well paid professional whose boyfriend / partner* works in a bar. She has had a few comments from people and did ask my view one time.

What I told her was that if she was 27 and looking for a future “husband and father of my children” then I didn’t think someone who works in a job that involves long anti social hours and poor pay was a good bet. But she isn’t and wasn’t. She has had her kids. She owns a house. She was looking for fun. And he is fun.

*Not sure how to describe him - boyfriend sounds too temporary, partner sounds too serious for what it actually is.

Thank you, he doesn't work in a bar, but that that's exactly my situation and actually exactly how I described him to my DSis.

I wasn’t so much thinking of caring in your case OP, more as a financial fall back if he hits hard times, and you end up feeling pressured to have him living with you in a ‘what is temporary becomes permanent’ situation. Also being the one that has to fund him if you ever want to go on holiday together, etc., or through a period of unemployment.

I can see why a friend might be concerned about the lack of symmetry of finances and ambition. I have a few friends who are finding it pretty annoying to be with low earners once the romance has worn off. It does cause resentment. I wonder if this id what she meant about hoping for more for you?

He's not a low earner. Our incomes are fairly similar, we have lots of trips and he pays his way. Our asset base/financial security are not.