4, 5 or 6 year gap between siblings, which do you think is best?

[agegapsiblings]

I understand it will be different for everyone! But what would you say? We aren’t in a position to consider an age gap any shorter than almost 4 years. DC1 will be one of the oldest in their school year, if that makes a difference, so the waiting for bigger one in school idea would mean 5 year gap - plus is it maybe less than ideal for them to deal with starting school and a new baby in the house at the same time?

I love the idea they might enjoy some shared experiences together and play together sometimes, though this isn’t guaranteed I know. I also like the idea of one on one time with each.

Imo it totally depends on the individual children and family, age gaps dont guarantee some kind of universal magic for sibling dynamics. If they did everyone would already know the answer

You'll get positive and negative anecdata on every gap and you'll be no further forward 😂

4 years is a nice gap. The eldest can understand what's going on and doesn't need as intense attention as a younger child, but they can still play together to an extent, share a bedroom for several years etc. I had a 7 year gap with my older sibling and it felt vast, they didn't feel like a peer until we were adults. 6 years isn't quite as big, of course, but I'd favour a smaller gap for that reason.

4 year gap for sure.

my friend has that and the children are really happy.

I have 3 year gap between dc1 and dc2 and then a 2 year gap for next baby. I think 3 years is the absolute sweet spot and if you can’t have that then 4 is your next best option

My DD has friends with 4 or 5 year age gaps with their older siblings and they get on well together. Sometimes that typical 2 year gap can make the siblings very competitive with each other. 4 to 5 is better than 6 just for the headache of applying for schools as you won't get sibling places with more than 5 years (and secondary, possibly only four years).

I have three DCs. They are 28, 25 & 15. The 25 & 15 year olds are extremely close. The 28 & 15 year olds get on well. The 28 & 25 year olds don’t have much to do with each other at all.

So for me - 10 years!

It completely depends on the children and the family how each age gap feels. I know people who have an age gap less than 2 years and absolutely love it. I also know people who have age gaps 4 years + and are just as happy. Personally, we wanted an age gap of around 2.5/3 years but life didn't go that way for us and we ended up with an age gap of almost 4.5 years between DD and DS. 7 months in we couldn't be happier and feel like the fact DD was already is school definitely gave us more time with baby plus she has good understanding so this has helped with the whole process. I can't see this would have varied massively if it had been 5 or 6 years instead. There's almost 6 years between my sibling and I. I often felt like an only child from the age of about 8 as they were always with their friends and we had little in common however we have always gotten along with eachother fine.

Anecdotally I’d say 6. My kids get on really well. I have more than once had quite rude people questioning the reason for the gap though!

We have 6 years between our first 2, then 6 years between no 2 and no 3. It just worked out like that, and they all get along well.

I say just go for it when you are ready. There is a 4.5 year gap between by two. They get on great as they are at different life stages so zero competition. I expected I would have another 4 year gap between DC2 and DC3 but it has not worked out that way and therefore the gap will be much bigger. So I say try as soon as you're ready.

I’m not a fan of the 4/5 year gap, it’s neither big nor small. But still big enough that the children generally won’t be into the same things and it’s only really when they’re quite a bit older that they can do the same activities but the older one isn’t quite old enough to have the level of empathy required for it all.

If your going to have a gap I’d go for 6 if it were a choice they’re far enough apart that when the younger one is hitting 3-4 and getting ready to explore the older one is also gaining freedom. The kids I know with a 4ish year gap really struggle as parents are constantly say no you can’t do x as your little sister isn’t big enough to go on there. It seems to cause a lot of stops at the park or on days out at the older ones seem to be held back somewhat.

We have a 3.5-year gap and it works very well so I’d expect 4 to be similar. Mine are 7 and 4 and they play together all the time, they are generally interested in similar stuff, they are very close.

We have 4 and a half years between 1 and 2 and then 4 years 3 months between 2 and 3. It’s been perfect for us when they were children and now as adults now they all get on brilliantly.

I hax 3.5 years between mine but because of their birth months they were 4 years apart at school.
If was a good gap because the older one was very helpful with the new baby and was at playgroup every morning so I had plenty of time with the baby.

They hated each others' guts at ages 6/10 to about 8/12 but that passed and they became great friends.

Less is best

I think it near entirely depends on the children in question. An easy going, more self sufficient 4 or 5 year old who settles well into school - no bother. A highly strung, more demanding 4 or 5 year old who struggles significantly with school and then has a new baby thrown into the mix? Bigger problems.

I think that’s the same for any age gap though. I think the nature of the children largely determine ‘success’ or not.

Surely you cant really predict if/when you get pregnant to be that precise anyway? If you are unable/dont want to have more kids until your eldest is 4, then start trying when they are 3.5. If you wait because you have (arbitarily) decided that a 5 year age gap is the best then you find it harder than envisaged to get pregnant, or you/your partner can no longer have more children due to illness etc then you would regret not starting to try earlier.

My (only) child is now 7 and a lot of my friends struggled a lot more than they had envisaged when making subsequent babies even if they had very little issue the first time round. I had chemo when my child was around a year old which completely depleted my ovarian reserve so I cant have another baby, hence again, you dont know what the future holds so I would just start actively trying at around 3.5 in your shoes.

For what its worth there are 5.5 years (6 school years) between me and my brother. We get on great and have plenty of shared memories, my mum was actually saying today that she is glad she never had to "juggle" two babies/toddlers... but we could also not speak to each other at all, like my friend with a similar age gap to her sibling or my other friend with a 4 year age gap.

I'd say the closer the gap the better. So in your case 4 years.