DF and NC

[Whatelsecouldibecalled]

Just wanting to type all this out without hopefully being too outing.

My parents have been separated for the majority of my life. Growing up they attempted to get on amicably but in reality it wasn’t. I saw my DF every other weekend (he lived 3 hours away) like a military operation regardless of parties sporting events etc. This went on on until I was about 16 and I got a PT job and had a bit more control over when I went.

Throughout my 20s we maintained an ok relationship on a superficial level. Met up once a month or so. Went out for tea etc. The effort was more on my part than his really.

Into my 30s I got married and had children he was always stand offish with my husband (we have now been together for over 20 years!!) and when our first child came along DF basically showed minimal interest. It was Covid times so he used that an excuse but Covid doesn’t stop FaceTime etc. I tried hard to maintain a relationship but it was becoming very strained. I had my second child and it got worse he showed less interest and would visit roughly every three months or so. I even took two young children up there to visit too.

fast forward a few more years and things are more strained than ever which it just made everything more difficult and it was a ‘chore’. You could see he was visiting cos he felt obliged rather than actually wanted to. Then we had some awful health news as a family. It really rocked our world and for over a year things were very touch and go and basically awful. Was so hard as we kept it from the children as they are so young.

I told my DF what had happened on the day of the diagnosis and his response was ‘oh dear’ and then had very limited contact. That’s was his response. No phone no checking in. No offering to come and support. His daughter was going through the worst time of her life and he chose this moment to reduce and finally cut contact. There was zero empathy for me or any offer of support.

I tried to reach out and reconcile 18 months or so ago and we had this huge conversation in which he played a victim and couldn’t accept how he had behaved.

So now we haven’t spoken in over 18 months and feel like it’s gone too far to do anything about now.

To add to this he had a very difficult childhood with an abusive father who I never met and his mother didn’t have a loving bone in her bone. I have been NC with her since I was 14. I have always made allowance for DF given his own childhood and I always told him I didn’t want my children to have the same relation with their grandparent I had with his (basically nothing). To also add. He has a partner who goes along with whatever and I wouldn’t say we were close but we got along ok and she showed more interest in the children than he did.

However he has chosen at the worst time in my life to walk about and basically no longer be a parent. I can’t really get over that. I want to try and forgive and move on but I am so hurt and he has form for this over the years. On the one had he is my DC grandparent and my parent and I feel I should do something to have some sort of relationship but on the other if I try to forge some sort of relationship with him and he walks out on my children and hurts them the way he has hurt me I will actually murder him and I cannot bear the thought of my children hurting like I feel. At the minute they are too young to know any different.

wow that is so long. I just wanted it out there and to see what perspectives were.

Do I try and move on and continue NC and ‘call it a day’ or try to reconcile but risk the hurt to my children??

Sounds like he’ll never change, any attempt to get a relationship with only will only end up with the same result. Focus on the people that love and care for you.

He's shown you the door, walk through it and close it behind you.
Ask yourself this, do you feel more relief or loss at not having to manage this acquaintance? Is it a feeling of I must try because they are my parent or because you love that person and they bring joy to your life? What is he going to add to your life, and that of your children?

If he were dealing with his childhood and opening up that communication with genuine remorse you could consider this an option, but realistically it doesn't sound like he's leaving you a choice anymore. Mine plugged the plug completely when I pushed about getting on a better track.

It sounds like he has never been a parent in the sense that he has never wanted to facilitate a close relationship with you. This is sad and hard to accept but some people just don't have the emotional capacity to do that, especially if he had the childhood you describe.

I think you need to accept that he will never have the relationship you want with his grandchildren - he has shown little interest in them. If you try and pursue something that is very unlikely to happen, you are setting yourself up for more heartache and disappointment 😞

I'm not saying you need to remain NC - just that you need to have realistic expectations of what the relationship will be. You can't control his behaviour, only your reaction to it. Plenty of people have a relationship with a parent that consists of the occasional visit or phone call. Only you can decide what level of contact you are comfortable with, once you accept his limitations.

@Iknowthatfeelingi feel like I must try as they are parent. But the thought of exposing my children to the hurt I feel makes me want to firmly close the door.

I feel a loss of a relationship we had but realistically that was over 10 years ago really.

he is incapable of communicating.

@whippersnapper55 you are right. I know he will never be a grandparent that I would like (luckily my children’s other grandparents more that ‘fill that bucket’. I guess it’s the never ending question in my mind that do I try and peruse something superficial and use up what little energy I have left for him to ask me how my car is every 7 months or just accept it’s over

@Whatelsecouldibecalled it's hard to look at what it used to be and not understand why it can't be that again. But that obviously wasn't a maintainable effort for him which is why it dropped off.
If they weren't your parent it doesn't sound like you'd want this person in your life. They aren't acting like a parent and they really let you down at a horrendous time in your life. Deep down perhaps you need validation that it's okay to close the door on them, because if this was any other relationship you already would have.