I dont know who I am

[ShouldIStaySelfIsolated]

Does anyone else feel like they don't know who they are? Like they've lost their sense of identity.

I dont know if this is a perimenopause thing, a midlife crisis, or what, but I've come to the realisation that outside the roles of being a parent and my job, I dont really know who I am.

I don't have any dreams/goals for myself.
I dont know what my style is.
I don't have any hobbies.

I do have the most wonderful DH who is so helpful and supportive and would absolutely do whatever he could to give me time and space to do hobbies etc

I just don't know where to start

I found the same for a while in perimenopause - like there was no “ChippyDinner” outside of being a mum.

Have you started HRT? That did make a massive change for me.

What did you used to enjoy OP? That's a good place to start.

You could try going back to things you used to do to see if you still enjoy them as @cheezncrackers says, or you could try lots of new things and see if any of them appeal.

Is there anywhere you want to go and see, in the UK or abroad?

I have! Only 10 days ago though, so hopefully it's just hormonal. Although when i think about it, ive probably been sliding towards it for a while.

Good to know the HRT might help though... its gonna be busy with all the symptoms it has to work through!

I don't think it's anything to do with perimenopause and everything to do with realising belatedly that getting married and having kids isn't actually an off into the sunset completion of self event. You actually need to do some other stuff, especially as your kids need you less. Women are still sold a bit of a cultural lie about what will satisfy them.

I've never really had hobbies. I used to love shopping/clothes/fashion but can't really justify that now with the kids (and a bigger mortgage)
I used to enjoy crafting, but its much harder to do that with the toddler around and I dont have much time for that after his bedtime.

Im not particularly fit or sporty or coordinated for that kind of thing. I just honestly dont know where to start.

I do like visiting new places, but again that's hard with the kids. We don't have any help with them, so they're always around (said with love! I dont resent them or anything)

I think you're onto something there. Toddler is starting preschool next academic year, then he'll be off to school so maybe that has something to smdo with it. He's an independent little soul so it does feel like the 'mum' role is getting smaller and leaving a gap

And motherhood is only a blip of time in a long life. You need some other stuff and other people.

You're right @CurdinHenry
My problem is i just dont know where to start

Get a piece of A4 lined paper. Write down everything you love however small. Fill both sides. For example. My favourite blue mug. The Robin in my garden. Woollen tights. My fave song by whoever. A name of a book. A tv show. My pink slippers. Camping near the coast. Etc

Can you find a crafting class or group that you can go to weekly rather than try to do it at home around your toddler?

That seems like a good place to start. Thanks

That's a good idea too. Thanks

I don’t think HRT will be the magical fix, but for me the hormonal issues were part of it. It’s also very true that we lose ourselves for a
while in the intensity of the newborn/young toddler years, where your child needs you constantly and you give up who you used to be. As you start to get some time/mental energy back for yourself it can be daunting to work out how you want to fill it!

Something that helped me with this was writing down my values and beliefs, eg I believe in trying to stay healthy, I believe in helping a friend that needs me etc.. it just helped remind me what kind of a person I wanted to be.

Like I.say, I think its been building for a while, but it just kind of hit me today that I dont know what I'd even want to fill my time with. It just made me really sad

I have felt like this on and off my whole life. I feel like I'm not a real person and that there isn't a real me. It's quite common I think having googled it a lot. I also at times of stress feel like everything I'm doing is fake/ scripted.

I like this too. Ive had some health problems recently which have meant that I haven't had the energy to keep as healthy as I'd like. I'm probably just feeling a bit sluggish and down about that too and its all compounding

Im just about to sit down with a glass on wine and a notebook

Thanks for all the advice earlier

Have you ever looked into Depersonalisation-Derealisation Disorder? (sorry, I copied that from a website because I couldn’t remember the exact name and I can’t remove the bold).

It’s not a feeling I’ve ever had but a friend of mine was speaking about it recently. I was skeptical but it now seems to be a recognised mental health condition where someone is almost seeing themselves from citywide their body, or feels like things around them/happening to them aren’t real.

It’s your brain trying to protect you. I’ve had it at times. I’m diagnosed with ptsd.

and yes sometimes I feel like I’m not real, a separate feeling. Like I’m in the matrix or something. I still think it’s linked to traumas.

I've never heard of that disorder, but will definitely look into it and see if that matches how I'm feeling

I'm sorry you feel that way @HiZev
That must be awful

I'm not sure if I've always felt like this or just got a bit lost after becoming 'mum'

Do you need dreams, goals and hobbies? Aren’t you just in the thick of parenting and that’s OK? It’s ok to be in the child rearing years

I see what you're saying, and ive been happy with that until recently. Its just the realisation that I am 'someone' beyond just 'XYZ's mum'... but i dont know who that 'someone' is

I wonder if its a woman thing? I see on here so many women talking about their husband's hobbies, but rarely talking about their own..