I dont know who I am

[ShouldIStaySelfIsolated]

Does anyone else feel like they don't know who they are? Like they've lost their sense of identity.

I dont know if this is a perimenopause thing, a midlife crisis, or what, but I've come to the realisation that outside the roles of being a parent and my job, I dont really know who I am.

I don't have any dreams/goals for myself.
I dont know what my style is.
I don't have any hobbies.

I do have the most wonderful DH who is so helpful and supportive and would absolutely do whatever he could to give me time and space to do hobbies etc

I just don't know where to start

I felt like this as my boys grew up. Once the youngest became an adult and no longer needed me in the traditional sense I felt very lost. Having time and space to discover ‘me’ again has been wonderful and now I do hobbies I never entertained before. HRT has definitely helped and prior to I felt really unsettled. I was experiencing emotions/reactions that didn’t feel like me at all. It’s been a process but I once again feel like me.

That's so lovely to hear.

Im hoping some of this is just a hormone wobble after starting the HRT and that hopefully it will settle.

If you don't mind me asking, what hobbies did you do, or how did you find them?

Psychoanalysis helped me with that very precise question…. Have a look at training institutes, they often offer low-fee options (thats what i do)

@ShouldIStaySelfIsolatedoh I’ve tried all sorts now. I joined a couple of online fitness groups and tried weight lifting for a year. Going to the gym 3 xs a week was really great for my self esteem. I then took up running which I love! Over the years I’ve signed up to fitness challenges like tough mudder and a half marathon.
Asides from fitness stuff I’ve tried dance classes, pole dancing, cooking classes and book clubs.

What has stuck for me most is fitness. I never did anything like this when the kids were younger. Just never had the inclination or the time. Never ever thought I liked being physically active so much.

As I said initially I felt very lost. I felt like I didn’t know who I was or what I liked. It almost felt like puberty again especially emotionally when I was swinging from
rage to tears.

I just put myself out there really and tried things. Once your HRT is sorted I’m sure you will feel much better and once you feel physically and emotionally better I’m sure you will have the brain space to figure out the rest.

Is recommended reading How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Changed my life.

I also think it's because we've been sold a cultural lie, especially about marriage and motherhood. We are shamed and silenced if we complain (it's a hotbed for it here) and supposed to be happy with no longer having time for ourselves or our personal growth, while devoting ourselves to the personal growth of others. The original 'be-kind' that is so commonplace, it's almost invisible, but it's a type of enslavement.

Your body/ unconscious is reacting to that. Captured mothers.

I know people who swear by their gratitude journals. On the occasional days I have remembered to do it myself I’ve also liked it, though I’m bad at routines. It puts you in a positive mindset and I think that makes it easier to see ways to make life even better.

If you’ve been into fashion and crafting you probably have quite a good eye - what about a life drawing class? Very absorbing and takes you to another place mentally, while making you be 100% present and really LOOKING at the world.

I’m charmed by your description of your independent little toddler btw ❤️

Definitely a meno/empty nest thing. I flatlined in my early fifties. Still feel like this but I've had real fun trying to get back a sense of self. OP, I suggest you do two things:

1.) Make a bucket list and start doing the things on it. I realised mine included places I've wanted to visit since I was in primary school and I'm in my sixties now. Doing this focused me, and I ended up getting a rescue cat, walking the Camino Frances and visiting several of the countries on my list.

2.) Just trying new things for the sake of it. No need to commit to a whole term or year - once is enough. I tried loads of new forms of exercise, discovered I loathed Zumba and Pilates but loved bootcamp and vinyasa flow yoga. After a lifetime of thinking I hadn't any skill or interest in craft, I discovered I love woodwork.

Right now, I'm at a point where life feels great when I am doing something exciting - climbing a Holy Mountain, hiking alone across Spain etc. But daily life is very small and dull. My next mission, after a busy summer at work, is to try to make daily life more interesting.

Well I do like buying stuff, so will get on and get myself a gratitude journal and the book recommendation from @StrictlyAFemaleFemale

I'd been thinking it was a 'me' problem, but perhaps it does speak to wider systemic/societal ideas about what it means to be a fulfilled wife and mother. Maybe that we're there to fulfil the happiness of others and thay our happiness should come from that and that should be enough.

It isn't enough, is it?
My happiness has been absolutely based on the happiness of those around me and, whilst I love my husband and children beyond measure, they shouldn't be the whole source of who I am.

I had recently started doing some gratitude stuff on an app and, on reflection, I do tend to be grateful for things to do with the kids. I need to push myself beyond that, I think

He's such a darling, but is definitely living life on his own terms 😂
Ive just been sorting the older one's breakfast, turned around and toddler has put his own bread in the toaster: "I'm having toast... 2 of them with jam, thanks"

Thank you for this. So happy you've found things you love

Ive ordered the book now and started to look at gratitude journals but there's a lot of choice, so if anyone has any recommendations, I'd love to hear them

What kinds of crafts did you used to enjoy?

Mostly crochet and sewing, but i did attend a number of short course mixed craft classes where we'd do something different each week and enjoyed most of them

This sounds like me but I’m a few years on from you with two almost grown-up children (still living at home). I loved parenting and got so much from it that I probably let my sense of self slide. I completely prioritised their happiness and probably still do (I worry about their futures). I have a wonderful supportive husband - the lioness ‘pressure’ comes from within. I choose to be the primary caregiver for everyone (including ageing parents).

Do you enjoy your job? I had an exciting role before children but have chosen jobs since which have fit around them and are frankly boring and don’t give me a sense of worth - my current role adds to my apathy.

How is your confidence? It’s great to hear from @Girlintheframe and @CypressMoon but, for me, although I’d love to try new hobbies and sports I have lost my confidence and I’m quite paralysed by general anxiety, which I’ve never felt before. I generally feel lost. Hopefully HRT will help you. It’s not a road I’ve gone down (inexplicable really).

Fortunately you have identified these feelings while your children are still small. Much as I loved parenting and deeply love my children, I do question how much ‘effort’ I’ve put in at the expense of myself. Family life with them isn’t always the fictional fantasy life we are sold.

I try to focus on things that bring me joy but the future is almost like a pressure on me to decide how I’m going to spend the rest of my life, if that makes sense?

I just checked this book out on Amazon and it comes with safety warnings...

Warning:Do not use near overhead power lines.

WTF 😂

Thanks for that, I'd missed that and could have got myself in all sorts of danger 😆

😂😂😂

Thanks @Middleagemoper A lot of your post resonates with me.

I did used to love my job, but things have changed there so maybe that has something to do with it too, although l
I do still feel like I need an identity beyond mother/worker

I need to work on figuring out what gives me joy... me me, not mummy me

If someone told you that you only had one day to live but in that day you could have as much money as you wanted and do whatever you wanted, what would you do? You could even be teleported anywhere in the world in seconds. The caveat is, it can't be anything to do with family. It's just you.

Oh @ShouldIStaySelfIsolated , I know EXACTLY how you feel. HRT does help, but I still find myself a bit lost at times, like: who even am I?!!
My gratitude journal comes from The Works. It’s cheap and uncomplicated and it’s the best I found. I like is so much I bought 4.

The other thing I thought of is forming a good group of friends to go through this together. Women in the same boat as me. We meet once a month for a take away, a game of cards and an emotional dump on each other 😂. One of them inspired me to cook a new recipe every month. Once a month I choose something at random that I quite fancy, don’t ask DP or DD, I just do it.
Another one inspired me to think of one thing I’d like to try next year. It started with paddle boarding, so I looked around for a day course, found one, it was £15 for 2 hours, 6 of us with an instructor, all the kit provided. Since then I did photography, introduction to calligraphy, watercolour, sea kayaking etc. just one thing, once a year.
The other thing I do is go away for a city break on my own. EasyJet and BA do them on the cheap, think £150 for 2 days, hotel and flight included. I’ve been on 4 so far. It hits differently: exploring on your own with no negotiating.
I think it’s an amazing stage of our lives to be honest.

It’s a time of life like puberty, when you do a lot of reflection and work out the next phase of your life. So normal

if you want a hobby - try things, think about what you liked as a child

the other way to approach is to have four strands exercise , volunteering, learning, travel//fun and try things in each

Thanks @BuddhaAtSea for the ideas and the link.

I think i might need to broaden my horizons a little... the idea of a city break for one sounds like just what I need!

@backformoreofthesame I like your idea of the strands... its a bit like the Duke of Edinburgh award where you're working on something in a few different areas, and I always regretted not doing mine, so maybe that could be a little challenge I set myself

As a child, I didnt really have hobbies or interests... we dodnt have the money for them so my spare time was just hanging with my friends. I think a lot of this is where it stems from, me pouring myself into the kids, because I felt it was lacking in my own upbringing

I lost my way during peri, then was on HRT for years and funnily enough, it was only when I finally came off it that I started to feel like the normal 'me' again.

So it probably is hormonal.