Rich friend pretending to be poor

[iThinkYouAreWonderful]

My friend pretends to be poor when she is in fact quite wealthy. She pretends in very little, subtle ways. She talks about the all the things she can't afford, to distract from all the things she can. She has a similar level of income to me, but keeps going on and on about my "expensive house", as if its something she can't afford (her house is a similar size, just slightly less done-up). My guess is that it makes her feel like one of the people, but it drives me up the wall. How can I stop being irritated by her and just let her "do her"?

When people say they “can’t afford” something it’s often a polite way of saying “I am choosing not to prioritise that in my budget”

This is certainly the case for me. I don't think it's lying, we are just using our money elsewhere. I invest quite heavily into my pension and stocks and shares ISA as we're planning for early retirement and to help DDs out with house deposits and once that money is paid out of my account it has gone.... I'm not dipping into it. Similarly we'll prioritise holidays to have a trip abroad each year but don't spend a lot on other stuff like takeaways, hairdressers, clothes, cars etc.

It can sometimes feel like you're between a rock and a hard place because saying you can't afford it seems more polite than "I've invested all of my spare money this month." If you are honest you get judged.... I remember someone once making a comment "must be so nice for you" when I mentioned doing the weekly shop at M&S.

Where I draw the line though is if people are not paying their own way or sponging off others. If I do go out I most certainly will pay for myself and not let others pick up the bill. I think that's rude AF to plead poverty and let others contribute on your behalf.

Why focus on any friend's disposable income and why think they are faking?
No one really knows except the tax man.

Not buying new things is extremely good for the planet Earth.

I don't understand why anyone, rich or poor, consumes more than they need.

Maybe your friend is giving excuses due to feeling pressured to buy when she just wants to save money to pay off debt and buy insurance.

Some people are simply mean! Perhaps coming from a fear of losing their money/ safety. Taken to extremes it can be a problem. Example is of someone who never pays their way but is happy for others to do so and accepts their contribution when this person is definitely wealthier than all the others in the group! Best avoid.

...she wants to do what ever common people do...

It's not disingenuous though. If you have a set budget for the month it's sensible not to want to spend more or having to dip into savings (which may not be accessible anyway).

Maybe, just maybe there is a link between being careful with money and accruing wealth......

I had a friend who used to do this growing up. Lived in the same size house with one sibling as I did with many. Parents earned way more. Went to Oxford with mummy and daddy paying the bills and lived at home in the vacations while I worked my way through a northern uni self-supporting all year round. All fine, not her fault, but the years of bitching about how poor she was really got to me.

Really? But if they know you at all well they’d know you could afford it but choose not to. I don’t know who these people are who’d find that more socially acceptable. I’d much rather someone just said it’s not my thing than I can’t afford it about everything. Makes you sound like you want people to feel sorry for you.

Or just don’t keep directing the conversation towards money?

I have a similar friend and I find it infuriating. She will plead poverty, say she can’t afford things, has no money, say things are out of her price range…. then go and order a new kitchen, a new car, have the garden done etc etc.

Then casually drop in that she has no mortgage, or talk about all her savings etc.

I’m not sure what she’s trying to achieve , because all it does it make it seem like nothing she says is true, and it’s all just attention seeking drama.

Yes, I remember that thread. That was extreme!

Not asking people to feel sorry for me, it seems like PPs are imagining me saying “oh no, I’d love to but sadly cannot afford it” in a sob story way, whereas it’s never like that. I certainly wouldn’t accept if someone offered to pay for me!
As I’ve said above, it’s usually with pushy acquaintances who won’t accept their niche hobby/interest isn’t the best thing ever and not having the money to do it is the only reason they’ll accept for refusing. Even then, I don’t “plead poverty” as someone suggested, it’s always a matter of fact statement.

I have a friend like this... she will say stuff like "we were never rich growing up but we did have enough land for a couple of horses because mummy loved to ride" or "we didn't have much money growing up so some summers we just stayed at our holiday home in France the whole summer! Not a real holiday like other people"

You can’t actually know other people’s financial situations. You also won’t understand their priories. Be careful not to make assumptions!

So unless people have £0 in their account they shouldn't use the phrase "I can't afford it"? That's ridiculous! And clearly not how the majority of people are using it.

Is this AI written?

Question is if your “ entertainment “ pot was empty would you let someone else buy your coffee / lunch knowing you have the resources to pay from a different pot

The OPs friend isn't doing that though so why is that relevant?

Personally I wouldn't and I'd be curtailing entertainment that month until a new 'pot' started.
That is what is known as living within your means isn't it?

Because other posters have discussed varying levels of poncing and I’m interested.

The way to become rich and stay rich is to not spend money on things you don't need. Conversely the way to be poor and remain poor is to buy things you don't need in an attempt to appear rich.

I think there are some people who just can’t be happy and have to have something to be miserable about.

My mum is like this. She and my stepdad are wealthy. When working annual income between them of over £300k. No idea now that they’re retired, but my mum’s pension alone is about £5k a month. 😳 She will stress for weeks about travel bookings, watching fares go up and down, whining if she ends up paying £800 for a flight when it was £650 3 weeks ago. Will book something with 2 changes, 11 hours sitting in airports, a 1 hour connection on the second leg and then whinge about how she nearly missed her flight and how awful it all was just to save £200. I’m like book the bloody nonstop flight and stop being so f-ing cheap! She gets nervous if she has less than 6 figures in her current account (which is a stupid place to hold that much money anyway, but that’s beside that point).

We are largely NC now so I don’t have to put up with it anymore. But it’s like poor little rich people problems and it drives me nuts.

@MsGreying

Ooh, tell us more especially about your weekend stalker.

It’s a good question. It’s my cringe factor of standing at the ‘ tap to pay’ moment, and her not moving. It’s just so… yuck. It makes me want to push through it and not be petty.

But reading this thread has actually helped me understand that she priorities savings over normal outgoings, and that’s why in the past, I’ve offered to lend her money to go to the supermarket, when she’s saying she’s broke…. But actually she’s broke because she’s put all her money into savings, and now she’s got her inheritance, she’s super well off, PLUS got tons of savings, but she behaves the same way.

Then how am I going to pay the car insurance when it's due in 3 months time if I've spent that money on going out with my friends?

Me, no! Definitely not! The idea seems immoral.

No, I wouldn't. I'd say I can't really afford to go for coffee at the moment, sorry - can we arrange something for next month after I've been paid? But I wouldn't let someone else buy.