Rich friend pretending to be poor

[iThinkYouAreWonderful]

My friend pretends to be poor when she is in fact quite wealthy. She pretends in very little, subtle ways. She talks about the all the things she can't afford, to distract from all the things she can. She has a similar level of income to me, but keeps going on and on about my "expensive house", as if its something she can't afford (her house is a similar size, just slightly less done-up). My guess is that it makes her feel like one of the people, but it drives me up the wall. How can I stop being irritated by her and just let her "do her"?

I down play stuff as I don’t want to be seen to be bragging.

Dh isn’t controlling about money, and decisions about savings and investments are shared, but if I were to splurge on something that isn’t in our day to day budget, I’d have to run that by him (as he would with me). There are things I’m willing to have that conversation about, and things I’m not.

Right now we’re diverting what we can into building up my pension which was neglected in my sahm years. We both have an elderly parent who has been scammed more than once this year, and we are preparing for the possibility that they might not be able to afford their own end of life care. And we have dc coming up to university age.

We’re comfortable for these to be our main concerns, but we are a bit tight day to day.

This. What do you want the people who can afford it to actually say?? “Oh no, I can afford all those things”….you’d then think she was bragging.
And @ElleintheWoods is right, you end up almost lying, at least by omission.

I actually sympathise with your friend here. She may feel she has to apologise for her financial situation to others and it's become a habit that she forgets she doesn't need to employ in your company.

I find myself apologising for money, cleaning my house to a certain level when others don't, car type, having nails done or not, having my hair done or not, weight loss or gain, choice of supermarket etc.

Everyone always seems to have a comment about the most basic of things putting us in the constant defensive so it becomes second nature to go on the offensive before being put on the defensive. It's ludicrous but here we are.

I don't think this is disingenuous at all really.

My money is organised in pots - I have a certain amount for socialising/discretionary spends. If I can't afford it from that pot then I can't afford it - there might technically be money in my account but that's earmarked for Christmas savings or paying the annual car insurance that's due 3 months time or whatever. I don't think it's unreasonable to say I can't afford it in that circumstance.

Oh the irony!

”My friend is rich but never spends a penny!”

Yeah, that’s how you become rich.

How do you know her full financial situation? The fact she has a similar size house to you is completely irrelevant. Her mortgage could be four times yours. She could have other debts and outgoings you know nothing about.

When people say they “can’t afford” something it’s often a polite way of saying “I am choosing not to prioritise that in my budget”

It sounds as though you don’t like her much so maybe you should distance yourself.

It is though. Your 'pots' don't make it true. In your frame of reference, you can have a million pounds in your floristry budget, but if you've spent your coffee/lunch budget, you'll say you can't afford it. It's not genuine. You have money. You don't want to spend it on what's being suggested.

What’s awful about it? Why should she fund other people? I’m exactly the same a rarely/barely contribute to presents/gifts - they aren’t obligatory, they should be funded by the workplace and I have better uses for my money.

If you don't understand why this is awful, I can't help you.

Quite clearly this is sensible budgeting, basic financial literacy and living within your means. If you don’t get that so be it but I am embarrassed for you.

Is that the best you’ve got? Mind your own business, lose the obvious envy, and stop making assumptions about other people and their money.

I wouldn't waste your energy feeling sorry for me. I'd rather die than be a stingy twat.

Fair play 😂

That's funny. You know nothing about my finances. I have no envy at all about material things. I think life is for living and people who have plenty of money and lie about being poor have massive issues.

The interest in other people money and strength of opinion regarding how they should spend it is a little unhealthy surely?

No, they are just budgeting for various things that are likely to occur in the future. There’s loads of people going on about how we all need to be more financially independent and plan for retirement and ill health then when people do they are called stingy twats…

lol, does this advice apply to you?

There is a difference between saying you can’t afford something and saying you are poor.

Her finances are her own business. And there’s a difference between not having the money for something at all and making decisions about whether the price of something is worth it to you. I have a friend who likes very expensive holidays and she makes remarks about another friend being tight for not going with her because in her opinion she could afford it easily. She misses the point that the friend doesn’t want to go on that holiday enough to spend that amount of money on it. Also if your friend has money invested for retirement, she may well be cautious about how she spends it as none of us know how long we’re going to live.

I think this stems from the attitude that to be seen to be flashing your cash is very tacky. People downplay what they have because they don't want to appear to brag and be insensitive to others. They want to appear relatable.

Talking about spending lots of money is crass. It's highly unlikely that you know the full circumstances so it's best to not mention money at all.

I suspect that this downplaying of how much money you have doesn't exist in the same way as in America. The class system in this country so deeply ingrained.

I’d assume that the comments about your "expensive house", are just intended as a compliment. You know: “Ooh, haven’t you done this up nicely.”

How do you know it’s being poor that’s the lie and not that her salary was a lie? Maybe she had some massive debts and said salary doesn’t go so far? Maybe she sends money to family?

Honestly you don’t know

Gosh this reminds me of my BIL. He is a millionaire and so tight. When planning a visit He complained about fuel being one pence more here than his area, so caught the train down!!! But expected collecting from the station! 😂 When we meet up he spoke about al the cut backs and all the things he couldn’t afford! He lives in a 1.2 million pound house , drives a classic kit car and has millions in stocks and shares! We all roll our eyes and move on!

This is a really good point and I often do this myself. I have a group of friends who are similar earning capacity to myself and I feel like I can be honest and open with them. I never feel like any of us is bragging if money/ finances comes into conversation. It’s much easier!

I equally have really close friends who don’t have the same disposable income and are in a different financial position and I do feel the need to avoid the topic! It’s uncomfortable and I will go along with them to some degree. Rightly or wrongly!