Rich friend pretending to be poor

[iThinkYouAreWonderful]

My friend pretends to be poor when she is in fact quite wealthy. She pretends in very little, subtle ways. She talks about the all the things she can't afford, to distract from all the things she can. She has a similar level of income to me, but keeps going on and on about my "expensive house", as if its something she can't afford (her house is a similar size, just slightly less done-up). My guess is that it makes her feel like one of the people, but it drives me up the wall. How can I stop being irritated by her and just let her "do her"?

With some people, absolutely. With others they are so convinced that their specific interest thing is so brilliant and possibly life changing that they cannot conceive of someone not fancying it, so lack of funds becomes the only reason they’ll accept. I have at least 3 people in my life who are lovely in many ways but who also have niche hobbies/interests they are convinced I would “love” and honestly I cannot imagine anything worse 😂

Maybe try 'that's my idea of hell'. It's okay to be direct if they're being very forceful

You really never know someone’s financial truth, though, do you?
sometimes people are in massive debt.

Unless they're owned outright, they could have huge mortgage payments on these properties though, then will be taxed to the hilt. They may have very little actual cashflow. As a colleague, it's unlikely you know the ins and outs of their finances, so perhaps quit judging them over something you know little about.

I actually know. They are enormously wealthy.

How can you stop being irritated by her? I think you need a complete mindset change to a state of calm where you don’t let other people bother you.

I must admit I do this. It’s weird but I don’t really know how to get out of it. For example at work people keep dropping lines like ‘I shop at Aldi and Lidl, there’s no point going to the expensive shops, I can’t imagine who would shop at M&S.’

Was on a walking tour recently and the guide pointed at a designer shop and said that while they’re proud of the heritage, she can’t imagine what kind of people would buy this. The whole group then proceeded to slag off anyone who wears designer clothes and what a snob/ idiot they must be. I was literally standing there wearing an outfit worth thousands.

I’m very familiar down to street names and coffee shops with certain cities where people drop comments about ‘the kinds of people that go there that don’t need to think about the cost of things’

Considering the vast majority of the general public think and talk like that, you can’t exactly say ‘oh let me just pop on my Pradas and jump into the Range and meet you at Centre Court for champers’

Essentially you get into the habit of nodding along and pretending you face just the same struggles as everyone else

It’s actually getting to a point where you nearly have to lie. I have been asked up front about the cost of items this week, or services I use, and have actually just responded ‘I’d rather not discuss this’

Don’t think there is much of an alternative to pretending so your friend may just be in the habit now

@MsGreying We paid our mortgage off in our thirties, just avoided talking about it. When one of my older sisters paid hers off she directly asked me when I was going to so I just said we had luckily managed it already. She didn’t press the question, it was close to 20 years before.

Not well off = being poor = being told to get a better job or get a job.
Well off = having more money = being told to stop bragging.
You just cant win.

I was just going to say this.

I sometimes say I can't afford something because I want to carry on adding to savings. My DH and I spend a lot of money on some things, but not others. I won't spend a lot on clothes for example but we'll happily splash out on holidays.

There's obviously a difference though between genuinely not being able to afford something and not choosing to spend money on something even though you have it.

I feel like you can't win sometimes though. I almost feel it's better not talking about money at all but for some reason when you've got plenty of it, it's obvious without saying much and can feel quite awkward. People ask you where you're going on holiday, etc etc.

I have a friend who does this. She is most definitely not in debt. She has a weeny mortgage, owns a house her father left her which she rents out and she works. Her husband gives her 50k a year. She spends hundreds and hundreds on trainers, where I spend £50 at most, and she literally spends thousands at the hairdresser, the chiropodist, the leg waxer, the personal trainer, several holidays a year… etc etc etc. astonishingly she acts like she’s anxious about cash and yes you guessed it, it’s me who gets my card to pay for the coffee, the ice cream, what have you.. she’s never quite in time. My income is a tiny fraction of hers and she is oblivious of how obvious it is that her spending is all about her, her, and only her. And she’s always worried about money, so she says. Then she’s off to Thailand for three weeks, flying first class, to be comfortable, of course. I find it very unattractive and try hard to ignore it.
people can be so weird about money, it’s a really difficult area. My most generous friends are the ones without much.

Why should they be embarrassed about being sensible with a budget and giving a simple answer instead of full details on where their income goes?

A couple of years ago there was an incredibly divisive thread about this issue. A family were in a group of friends and could frequently “
not afford “ ( in inverted commas ) to do certain trips so the group would make changes to accommodate them ( cheaper places etc ). They also couldn’t afford to send their son to a rugby camp so one of the other parents paid for him to go. When their kids turned 18 they gifted them some huge amount of money - £200k or something that they’d saved. ( I forget the precise amount). Turns out not affording was not quite accurate. It really divided the friendship group and MN. I personally thought it was F-ing offensive to sit there accepting charity for your children to do events that you could well afford ( but are choosing not to ). I certainly wouldn’t let a friend pretend to be poor if I knew that wasn’t the case but I’d do it in a nice way.

Ju keep your snout out.

I don't know how you can really know her financial situation.

My sister thinks we're rich, but she's just taking our income and applying it to her expenses. Not taking in to consideration that our mortgage is a higher interest rate than hers, we spend more on childcare as we don't have family near by to help and house is much older than hers and poorly insulated so costs more in utilities and our council tax rates are much higher. We also have debt because of a series of unfortunate events at the back end of last year.

Plus saying "I can't afford it" when the reality is "I don't want to use savings for it", I expect most people mean that when they say it.

Just say to her 'cut the crap', it is very easy. And add - this is becoming boring.

Im 60's, Im mortgage free, have some ( not a lot ) savings, we owe nothing to anyone, and will be inheriting a moderate sum this year

To my mid 20's colleagues , Im rich and I get teased about my yellow sticker shopping and making do and mending , making packed lunches, refusing to pay for a cup of mediocre coffee

Within my peers - pretty badly off coming into retirement

Wealth is all pretty relative

And we all make choices on how we spend

I never get how people know how much other people have? Loans, debts, responsibilities etc are different for every single person!! Everyone makes assumptions and assumes everyone else is rolling in it and feels hard done by. Say to her ‘but our houses are the same!’ and add a tinkly mn laugh!!

Calling Bullshit on anyone who thinks they know what’s happening in others bank accounts.

Let it go.

Huh. I used to work with a bloke who was always watching the cost of things, saying he couldn't afford things like team drinks, etc. We all thought he must be underpaid for his role and let him sponge off us (me in particular, as I was equal status with him).

Turned out he was obsessively investing. Made a killing, bought a massive fucking house and has stayed rich ever since. To be clear, I don't have a problem with people having different financial priorities. I have a problem with poncing off your friends on a pretext.

OP's mate plays a similar game, with her professed house envy and continual "can't affords".

@Charys why don't you get her to pay her own way?

If she mentions that she can't afford something you have, like your house I would thank her, acknowledge how lovely it is, then laugh a little and say something like "Of course, I love your [whatever thing she spends her money on that you don't], which spending on the house puts right out of my budget."

But why can't you just say 'I don't fancy it' rather than pretending?

Every time she pleads poverty, just tilt your head and say....... Oh that's a shame

thats the thing somepeople do think that way and its not necessarly because they cannot afford it its more to them the horror of spending x is to them that they cannot afford it, even if the wealth suggests otherwise

Wealth is a different concept depending on who you are. Would you prefer she brag about all the stuff she can afford?