Why does dh make me look stuff up rather than checking himself

[TofuTuesday]

It’s so infuriating. I put info on the fridge, the group chat, wherever, forward him the email and then ‘what time is/where is’ etc etc. He’s just done it again and then got all pissy when I said I don’t know. And he stood there so I said ‘are you expecting me to check the group chat for you?’ And he’s huffed off ‘don’t bother yourself’ etc etc.
im going to start retraining him, so far this weekend I’ve had to confirm hotel for November, air port, and time ds is going to a party.

My DH has taken to doing this when he’s driving, as that’s his excuse for being unable to do it himself.

But it can be, ‘can you just check what kind of hotel options are available for my lads trip in October while we are in the car…’ Why? Why me? Why now?

I am wise to it. So bizarre though. ‘Can you just see which other internet providers supply our area with a better deal’ - no we don’t need to do that on the 25 min drive to lunch, you can look yourself later.

Laziness.

I have been dealing with similar. I keep repeating ‘what am I, Alexa in human form ?’ The message is finally getting through.

Ok I really need to borrow some of these. ‘where do I collect them from prom?’ I don’t know, ask the kids yourself. I’m seen as the person who knows everything. Even moaned he couldn’t access the joint account even though I sent him how to log in and set up internet banking.

My husband is like this. They might as well say ‘my time is more important than yours’. I usually just respond with ‘I was only sent the same information that you were sent’. At first he’d say I was being difficult for not answering his questions, now he knows he has to do better!

This type of behaviour is nothing new.

I can remember my grampa asking my grandma where x y or z was. Her response was either "under my armpit" or "in the coalhole".

I think its far more than laziness, some men actually see women as there to facilitate their lives
I pushed back massively due to complete burnout a few years back
I felt mentally exhausted and while some may say its just a small thing to do, its the sum total burden and Im no longer willing to sacrifice my well being so that my DH can rest.

I recall when my MIL was staying, we had had a few drinks with dinner etc and OH was sitting in an armchair with a lit cigarette in his hand, it was a very long time ago, he was nodding off and the ash getting longer and longer. His mother indicated this to me and I ignored her so she tutted, stood up with an ashtray, walked over to him, apologised as she knocked the ash from his cigarette! I think she seriously expected me to do this, all I did was say to him Put the bloody cigarette down before you set yourself on fire!

Mine expects me to do all the banking because he can’t be arsed to download the banking app on his phone. He also sends me links to things to buy from Amazon as he’s cocked up his own account somehow and can’t be arsed to sort it out. It’s fucking pathetic.

He’s also forever asking me what’s the weather meant to be like tomorrow, will it be humid, does DC need a jumper, does the car need petrol, do we have plans this weekend, what time is school pick-up, how long should it take him to get to his desired location, when’s his own sister’s birthday, etc

I’ve tried everything to push back, gently, humorously, firmly, furiously, but he just keeps doing it and gets really fucked off when I tell him to look shit up like the rest of us do.

It has honestly made me lose all respect for him.

It's an infuriating bad habit of her husband's.

He is using her brain as his personal information resource, as if she's his personal assistant or his Siri or Alexa.

He is supposed to be her partner. He is a grown adult with all the resources available to him to look up the information for himself, so that he can be that partner. But he chooses to treat her as his assistant.

Solidarity sister. One of the most common sentences I utter in this house is:

"I don't know, why don't you look in the fridge?".

Hello, OP’s DH!

Imagine how alarmed all these husbands would be if we did it back to them. If we asked them all the time where or when the kids needed collecting, or which weekend was it that our own parents are coming to visit, or whether we need an umbrella today given the forecast of rain. They’d think we had dementia.

I get this is annoying! I just say I don’t know and refuse to answer. It is odd though to not use your own brain.

Oh dear God we married the same man even down to the banking !
I had a Come to Jesus talk with mine
In which I outlined that he had 6 months to bloody well shape up or I would divorce him
Not because I didnt love him but because I am not sacrificing my wellbeing so that he can rest and frankly my life would be easier without him
Also if I died he would have no access to money/ banking etc
Tbf he did shape up, and things are much better now
If men are shitty and huffy because you wont " serve " them its a form of control

I kind of love this idea. I’m going to try it this weekend.
we are away soon, I’m going to ask what the weather is going to be like while we are there.

Shared calendar

'what's the weather gonna be like tomorrow??'

Er.....

Also, personal fave :'what weeks did I book off work??'

🫪🫪🫪

My ex used to say he ‘needed a wife’. I think he actually meant PA. He’s not got one anymore and can’t find a new one.
(play tiny violins). I think he desperately wanted to return to the 1950s.

I’m single but have a male friend I sometimes holiday with who has the same issue. TBH the experience makes me even more likely to stay single, I couldn’t handle it full time. I pull him up on it all the time and sometimes it improves but the lack of awareness and idea that I ‘like’ the role or organiser seems intractable.

Waiting to be told what we are doing the next day, when we are leaving, where we are going to dinner, me always being the map reader, if we are waiting for an uber I’m the one keeping a lookout while he scrolls on his phone. He is good company but bloody hell it’s infuriating.

"what would you do if I wasn't here?" Is my go to

We have a shared family Google calendar and every single thing goes in there. If it’s not in the calendar it ain’t happening. We try to include notes / codes etc to minimise searching through old emails.

because we both have access to the calendar, anyone asking for details gets directed there.

I recognise this. Only the other day, DH asked me to cancel a policy that he set up in his name and only he has access to. I just laughed and said no.

He’s so much better than he used to be. Any question about what X,Y,Z plans are I just turn back around to him - “I don’t know, what did it say on the email/message/calendar?” It’s taken years but he’s finally learning it’s pointless to try to outsource thinking to me.

He thinks you’re his secretary and he’s the boss. He’s above you, his time is more important than yours.

I did this, and he still didn’t check the calendar or misread it and got things wrong or got locked out of his Google account etc.

I got one of those massive Skylight calendars and it is mounted on the wall in the kitchen for everyone to see. It even has the weather forecast on it, and meal plans, and shopping lists, and task lists.

I refer DH to it every time - and 9 times out of 10 he comes back and asks a follow up question like, ‘is that calendar up to date?’ Or ‘do you really think it’s going to rain? Where does the calendar get its weather feeds from?’ Best case scenario is he finds the information he needs and then instantly forgets it.

It would never occur to him to look at the calendar to see what’s coming up. He says he forgets it’s there, even though it’s this massive brightly coloured digital display on the kitchen wall.

TBF he has this sort of problem at work as well - it just not occurring to him to look in obvious places for information, or his constantly locking himself out of and apps - so it’s not entirely a patriarchy issue. But fuck me it adds so much extra drag and chaos to my own workload.

It's not just laziness. It's a thing he's got whereby he has to have you "doing" something for him. You just sat there not driving doesn't benefit him in any way so he wants you to be doing something for him.

I divorced my ex for this type of shit.