Why do I feel so evil sometimes?

[incrediblyevilperson]

Be nice please lol. NC for this.

Basically I have a really great life. Lovely home, incredible husband who is very attractive and a super high earner, great career of my own, I'm told I am beautiful, in great shape, funny etc etc. We go on tonnes of foreign holidays every year. I'm very close to my family and in laws and have great friends. Obviously it's not all sunshine and roses and no one's life is perfect but for the most part I know I'm very lucky and have worked very hard to get to where I am.

I know I have it sooo good but I just get so impatient sometimes and snap over the smallest things. It honestly makes me feel like such an evil person. I don't know what to do to fix this. Anyone else felt this way?

Sounds like you have anger management issues as opposed to being evil.

As you grow up you learn that anger gets results, it gets you what you need and everyone walks on egg shells around you desperately trying not to provoke you.

The good news is you're not evil, you're just a terrible human being.

You're welcome.

Your life sounds very ‘surfacey’ - money, holidays, looks, stuff - you have described yourself as a cross between a contestant in Love Island and a contestant on The Apprentice. What do you do just for yourself to help you grow? Do you read or learn just for fun or interest? Do you have a rich inner life where you daydream, talk to yourself, have ideas? Are you spiritual? (I’m not, but many people get comfort and peace from having a faith), do you volunteer or otherwise help others? I.e. Do you do anything that takes you out of yourself? It sounds from what you’ve described, that’s the bit that’s missing.

Thank you, maybe you're right. I do feel a sense of underlying anxiety fairly often. I haven't ever spoken to anyone about it except DH.

It's not at all, I just mentioned a few things as I know they are things to be grateful for and they're things I didn't have growing up.

Yes I read all the time, a few books a week.

I go to the gym most days, I'm also a dancer and do a lot of recreational sports/hobbies. I love crafting also.

I'm not really spiritual.

I do talk to myself a lot.

I do volunteer with a DA charity.

It’s normal, it wouldn’t be normal to exist in a permanent state of zen calmness…because then you would be buddha.

A terrible human being? You don't know me. I wouldn't really describe myself as angry, I don't shout, scream, or verbally abuse. I'm just a bit irritable and moody.

Out of interest did you grow up in a household where mum or dad was snappy/short tempered? Because I tend to think this sort of behaviour is learned

yes my dad

FWIW, I’m in my 50s and only now getting over the feeling that I should be ‘no trouble at all.’ I wish I’d started therapy much earlier, then I wouldn’t have spent years not liking myself for being human. (Also grew up in a home where I had to make myself as nothing as possible to keep the peace.)

We are allowed to be very grateful for our lives and also express discontent on occasion. You’re allowed. You’re human.

It sounds like you have a checklist of "things that should make most people happy" that you have gone through and crossed off. But do you feel fulfilled?

Perhaps some therapy would help you work through what you actually need?

Also though, it's normal to experience a range of emotions, whatever your life is like. No one is happy all the time.

Anxiety can often manifest as irritability, it's worth looking into

Everyone has moods and negative feelings. The issue is taking it out on others. Maybe you aren't letting yourself wallow when you need to and that leads to frustration. You are right you shouldn't be snappy and you can work on that, but maybe acknowledge the feelings under it.

I suspect you are prone to guilt. So am I. If I won the lottery I'd be all upset about everyone else not winning it and that's the truth. I feel I'm not allowed be negative especially around certain people, not allowed complain because my problems are lesser.

Multiple foreign holidays to me seems stressful. It involves a lot of planning and organising. A career is stressful, especially if you are from a high achieving background. Staying in shape and being attractive is work too, yes you are lucky but you've created a high standard for yourself. I suspect your life is busy and structured. Do you ever let your hair get greasy and eat crisps in your PJs while watching trash tv?

Lots of people get like that but they learn to deal with it.
I can be like that. In my case it's when I get overwhelmed, when there's too much going on, when it just all gets to be a bit too much. Or sometimes if someone's doing or saying something which really irritates me and I've let it build up inside before trying to discuss the issue calmly.

It's about recognizing the signs of when this is coming and taking steps to deal with it before you snap. If you notice it's linked to pmt (this often used to be the case with me), try to plan a bit less for those days and build in some time alone if possible or go out in nature to reset.
If it's because others are doing things that annoy you try discussing it calmly long before it gets to the stage of you being grumpy about it.

Go to the toilet or go and get a glass of water to give yourself a couple of minutes if you're on the point of snapping.

I am prone to guilt for sure.

Planning holidays isn't really stressful (DH and I do this together and it's quite straightforward). My career and working out is too. My life is busy and structured yes, no I would hate the situation you have described in your last sentence

Thank you, I do think pmt doesn't help but it isn't always at the same time each month and it isn't every month

Is that self sabotage? Not letting yourself have therapy, because you don't deserve it and your needs are not important, but conversely it would be ridiculous as you are already so privileged.

If you can afford it, go for it.
Tell yourself that if you are paying the therapist, you can talk about whatever trivial things you like. At least you are giving them an income.

I mean no-one is sweetness and light all the time, you're not blimmin Mary Poppins! Doesn't your DH get grumpy ever? Because I find that hard to believe. When you feel that way can you not just speak with him or make a joke to diffuse the situation? Or just retreat for a bit until you feel calmer? It doesn't have to be a huge deal if it's only sometimes you feel this way.

On a related note, why do women have to be nice all the time, men are allowed to be grumpy for no reason.