Why do I feel so evil sometimes?

[incrediblyevilperson]

Be nice please lol. NC for this.

Basically I have a really great life. Lovely home, incredible husband who is very attractive and a super high earner, great career of my own, I'm told I am beautiful, in great shape, funny etc etc. We go on tonnes of foreign holidays every year. I'm very close to my family and in laws and have great friends. Obviously it's not all sunshine and roses and no one's life is perfect but for the most part I know I'm very lucky and have worked very hard to get to where I am.

I know I have it sooo good but I just get so impatient sometimes and snap over the smallest things. It honestly makes me feel like such an evil person. I don't know what to do to fix this. Anyone else felt this way?

I have a masters degree in history 😂. It was tongue in cheek, I know I'm not actually evil.

Maybe
Definitely not
I don't think so
From childhood I'd say yes. My dad was very emotionally/verbally abusive and angry, we were often walking on eggshells around him. I don't rage like he did but sometimes I get scared that I could become as hot headed as him.
No crap blokes thankfully. Only ever been with DH.

Maybe it's this. I'd love to take a long time out from work to travel for 6 months or so, or to move abroad. I do have a good career I have worked hard for but sometimes find my work very samey/boring.

You’ve been told to suppress your feelings due to ….people, unnamed, in other unknown places..sounds like a way to shut you up! Need to unpick that one as unhelpful. Take the space to find out what’s truly bugging you, and that will allow you to stop snapping in sublimation mode.

Thank you, that's helpful. I'm a really bad perfectionist which I think translates to my moods because I feel really guilty when I'm sad or moody.

the only reason i gave any background was because a lot of my feelings of guilt come from being ratty/snappy when i know i have a lot to be grateful for. obviously i think my dh is attractive and people have said the same to me but those things are of course subjective.

yes, i'm a lawyer. i work in house though so it's not overly stressful, i just do normal 9-5 hours.

when i snap i don't know, i get a bit ratty/moany and then things seem to escalate. my dh can be moody too but he's not mean, which i sometimes am.

You're human.

No-one is perfect all the time.

Your moods sound utterly utterly normal. Nothing weird about occasionally being snappy or grumpy. What is problematic is the fact that you feel such a lot of guilt around those emotions. That’s what needs working on, picking through the conditioning that has made you feel that you must never express a negative emotion because you should be grateful.

I don't know of anyone else who gets snappy and grumpy for seemingly no reason, maybe people just don't broadcast these feelings though. Thanks for your comment.

A lot of what you say resonates with me, OP. I’m also well off financially, brilliant high-earning husband, great sex life, two happy healthy kids, a career I love. But yeah, I’m snappy quite a bit, I have a temper, I am prone to anxiety and stress.

I also had a dad with anger issues and an alcohol dependency. A lot of my quick-to-snap responses I can see have been modelled by him.

He was highly, highly stressed, which can either be modelled or inherited.

I understand where you’re coming from.

How would you know though about other people? I can get snippy and difficult, but it mostly gets taken out on DP because he’s there. It’s definitely worse for me for a few days each month. If I’ve been really ratty then when I realise, I will apologise and be clear that it’s me not him and then we move on. What is with all the guilt around this sort of thing?

honestly it makes me feel awful to snap at him even if i apologise, he does a lot to give us a good life. i know i do too but he doesn't really get ratty with me.

Guilt , it is said, is repressed resentment.

you’ve got anger issues. Which is what you said!

walking on eggshells, being highly adaptive…. Easily leads to anger issues.

glad to see i'm not alone, i remember exactly how it felt growing up with an angry person in the house, i never want to become that person

If that were true, almost no-one (well no one except one person I guess) would be able to complain.

It doesn't work like that. How satisfied or happy you are has little to do with how objectively good your life is (and almost certainly nothing to do with how much money your husband earns or how beautiful you are).

ETA - if you are unhappy or dissatisfied you should try to understand why that is and work on the causes. You can't rationalise yourself out of it because you are 'fortunate'.

Have you had any therapy?

You sound like a nice person, not evil at all. It sounds like you have some issues that could do with unpacking a bit.

Sometimes it’s fun to pick an argument with your husband. As long as it’s not all the time, or a pattern then just accept it for the sport it is 😂. It can be fun to unleash the inner cunt.

no i just feel like i'd sound ridiculous telling a therapist all of this!

Probably because you feel you don’t deserve your life. Low self esteem. Makes people self sabotage.

What kind of fun do you think you’re having, doing that?

It sounds like there’s something missing in your life. An unmet need perhaps?

Maybe it’s this. I found an old diary entry from my teenage years recently detailing what I want from my future and it’s basically the life I’m living. I often feel like I don’t deserve what I have.

Maybe, I’d like a bit more job fulfilment I think. But on the whole I am content with my work and have great friends there.

"My dad was very emotionally/verbally abusive and angry, we were often walking on eggshells around him. I don't rage like he did but sometimes I get scared that I could become as hot headed as him."

That's a hell of a thing and no therapist would minimise it.

You must've been scared a lot, and on top of that, not shown how to manage anger healthily.

Yes. Always the seed of doubt looking to find fault in yourself because things can never just be calm, good and safe and happy. No no, because you were taught in childhood that you can’t have that , that’s not for you.

Do you ever feel like the rug might be pulled out from under you? Are you waiting for it to happen? Would you rather cause a little bit of the downfall yourself rather than wait for the unknown to do it?

Im just throwing out ideas here. Does it resonate?