Why do I feel so evil sometimes?

[incrediblyevilperson]

Be nice please lol. NC for this.

Basically I have a really great life. Lovely home, incredible husband who is very attractive and a super high earner, great career of my own, I'm told I am beautiful, in great shape, funny etc etc. We go on tonnes of foreign holidays every year. I'm very close to my family and in laws and have great friends. Obviously it's not all sunshine and roses and no one's life is perfect but for the most part I know I'm very lucky and have worked very hard to get to where I am.

I know I have it sooo good but I just get so impatient sometimes and snap over the smallest things. It honestly makes me feel like such an evil person. I don't know what to do to fix this. Anyone else felt this way?

Cognitive load?

Because she’s trying to convince herself she isn’t evil. Bargaining chips.

Yes I feel exactly like this to be honest. Like I could just lose everything in a second.

Perhaps you need to find some meaning in your life and work on patience. Or just be easier on yourself. We are all dicks at times.

Your adult self is content but your inner child is still unhappy and frightened.
She is still lashing out trying to get your attention to help her.
Talk to her, reassure her things are fine now, she's safe, you're looking after her and her feelings are valid.

You sound a bit like a family member. Be very careful, because at some point your loved ones will start losing their patience with you and either distance themselves from you, or cut you out completely. You need to have more patience and be better able to manage your frustrations. Either on your own or with help from a therapist.

I thought so. My mum was a shouter and it took a long time in therapy to figure out this was what I was doing. It was like I wasn’t comfortable just letting life be good and calm for too long… I’d have to cause an issue every few months to repeat the blow up pattern of my childhood because it was familiar.

Some of the work I did to help was to write letters - to my younger self, my mum, my sister, my future self etc. get all the anger out, then the sadness, then the forgiveness. Then burn the letters don’t send them. I also worked on recognising when I was lashing out and when I was actually upset about something… because you can also just be overstimulated or tired or on your period etc too.

We also did a lot of work on my self esteem and self acceptance. Moral perfectionism was always an issue for me… it was never ‘I’m human I make mistakes’… instead it was ‘I made mistakes so my slate can never be clean again so I am an evil person forever smeared by my sins’. Accepting myself and my shades of grey was important.

Anyway all that is to say that therapy, gratitude, boosting my self esteem and also picking up some more relaxing hobbies all contributed and I haven’t had a ‘fuck up’ in a year.

Perimenopause?

I sometimes hate how irritable and bad tempered I can be. It's not fair on DH. I think it's just part of my personality unfortunately. And it does feel kind of evil.
My only way to avoid exploding is to breathe and wait for a few moments before speaking, or leave the room. I calm down and the feeling just dissipates.

This is so helpful. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. Glad to hear things have improved for you 💐

Yes I wasn’t trying to be dramatic with my wording, it makes me feel like the worst person in the world sometimes.

Did you marry an older man?

Being beautiful and successful is hard work which does play on your nerves sometimes I'd agree. 😄

You are just a person with moods op, that's ok.

Is this perfect life not actually the one for you. Do you need a more stimulating job? Being nice to all you relatives and friends - maybe you'd thrive with less in your life? Do you need to make more time for you to do 'selfish' things you really enjoy or would find reward in? I'm retired and love NOT having to do things, have limited my social life to a few things I do like. Sit on MN if I like. couple of lovely hobbies. Life is great (also have demanding GCs but not constantly)

Sounds like normal PMT to me . We have just come to the full moon I always feel tense and irritable leading up to this. Try jotting down when you feel this way I think you will find there is a pattern, a cycle.

I also feel therapy at this stage of your life will pay you huge dividends in terms of peace of mind as you grow older. Also help you to be a more consistent mother and friend/wife. Good that you have lovely things in your life but they don’t heal inner wounds.

Money will help you access a great therapist though who can help you do that. Don’t feel you have to go with the first one if they’re not quite right. Shop around until you find the right therapist for you, check they are a member of one of the two main bodies so properly qualified, then find time at least once a week to start doing the work you know will help you be happier in the long run.

this isn’t your fault.

Despite having a materially good life your existence has no meaning and you are bored. Your “good” life is all superficial fluff with no substance.

I totally disagree. We don’t know this at all. All we know if that OP is hurting but we have no reason to think we know why. I think this statement is rather cruel.

no we’re the same age

Thank you. I’m definitely not bored with my life, just wondering why I get so irritable easily sometimes.

I also feel v guilty when I’m not doing enough, like sitting on MN, so not sure it would help. Definitely find work a bit samey sometimes.

😂 I was being a bit dramatic when I wrote my op as some have picked up in the comments. It’s not like people do a double take when I pass them in the street or I’ve been scouted as a model or anything, I also don’t have the worlds most incredible job. Just meant I have a lot to be grateful for

It sounds like anxiety to me. I suffered with it for years but didn't realise until one day it clicked - as I was snapping & biting someone's head off - that I was feeling anxiety.
I went online and looked it up, even though I obviously knew what anxiety was, and bingo.

I've had therapy and take an anti depressant which helps with anxiety and I'm very different now. Tbh it helped just being able to identify the underlying feeling.

I also take better care of myself now - I thought I ate well, except when very busy at work - but now I make sure I have a better lunch, healthy meal for dinner. It massively helps.

The problem when you're capable, efficient and used to working a demanding job is that you don't realise how demanding or stressful things can be, it's just normal - and could be much worse.

Having a good life doesn't stop you having a stressful one, I think you're feeling the stress much more than you realise.

You can't win here 😆 if you hadn't acknowledged how lucky you are, it would have been pointed out to you sharpish!