What to get a friend who has depression?

[Pigtailsandall]

My good friend has been diagnosed with depression. She's a very senior, high-flying professional who struggled to accept the diagnosis for a long time. She knows I'm here for her, but I'd like to get her something. I'm just not sure what. She's off from work and she's not used to doing nothing. I thought flowers, but it feel a bit hospital-y. Or does it?
What might be a nice, thoughtful gift? I'm a little stuck for ideas. She's sporty but hasn't been exercising recently.

Yes, i do get this - I have a little experience in mental health and understand some of its workings - we have been messaging a lot and met for coffee last week so I have been able to gauge a little how she is. She's ok to be "active" over messages etc.

I think sometimes when people suffer from low mood for extended periods of time, support occasionally withers out when people's busy lives take over. I thought it would be nice to drop something off without assuming she's up for another outing.

Gosh. I have found my tribe of former and current depressives ! Wise words which describe the totally destabilising effect of depression. Its a very painful and scary experience and despite everyone’s kindnesses etc. Its beyond exhausting. She will be conserving her energy just to live an hour at a time.

I haven't suggested that, just wanted to give her something she might enjoy as a way of reaching out.

I don't know why everyone is reacting as if they know your friend better than you know her.

Plenty of people suffering from MH issues hate gifts (it would appear from this thread). But also plenty don't.

When I had a breakdown and was signed off I loved receiving gifts from people, exactly because they were treating it like an illness, which it is! Rather than some dirty secret never to be spoken of or acknowledged.

It's 100% to be respectes that not everyone feels like that. But OP knows her friend, so it's to be assumed she feels pretty confident that her friend would welcome a gift, just like many people with MH struggles welcome them!

I always send a book, unless I know that the recipient is struggling to read. (This can be easily acseryaibed through casual chat - "Are you managing to read much at the moment?" should do it).

For me, and many others, the ability to read and get lost in a book was a literal life saver when my depression was at its worst. (I vividly remember the specialist talking to me about all the books I had been sent in the hospital - he was amazed at how many I had managed to read, but it was the only thing I could do with my mind that made life bearable at that time).

Not everyone's cup of tea, of course. But personally I would ascertain whether she is reading at the moment, and if she is, that's what I'd send. Always.

I only have two hands to type with so I'm getting answers as quick as possible here :)

Definitely not giving up on being there for her. She's out daily doing school runs and says it keeps her grounded i think depression has such a highly invidualised presentation and therefore approach.

Thank you, she's a really great person and she is engaging with a lot of self-directed treatment. I'll offer to do some of those with her (like walks in nature though there's not much nature around!)

Gosh sorry you had such a tough time! Hope you are feeling better.
She does read, a lot! Mainly non-fiction but I could gauge if she is reading and if so, have an interesting book sent to her door.

And it's true about people experiencing gifts differently. She's enjoying pottering around when she feels ok, tending to her herbs, so a plant might suit he

Lots of good ideas and food for thought.

At my worst, I couldn’t read, but jigsaw puzzles were good. Quite a good low pressure present and can always go to a charity shop if she doesn’t want it or when she’s better. It’s a very absorbing, pointless activity you get right/wrong and which has a known outcome, and I think that’s very helpful to a tired mind.

I also appreciated cards and small treats like a SIMPLE bunch of flowers you can put straight in a glass of water, or some chocolate.

I struggled to use any nice bubble
bath or anything like that, but may have done if someone had bought it for me.

My best friend has depression. She loves cut flowers so I’ve bought some for her on more than one occasion. The other thing I did for her was to buy a selection of nice things from M & S. This included a selection of cheeses, biscuits, cherries, chocolate biscuits, non alcoholic fizz, soap, shower gel and a few more things like that. She was so pleased with everything.

My daughter is 7 months in on her current bout of severe anxiety and depression. These are things that help her
chocolate
Lindt hot chocolate powder, it’s amazing and helps her calm down or has a hot chocolate at bedtime.
lavender oil again for sleep
Raddox muscle soak bubble bath
A note pad but make it budget. My daughter writes down all random thoughts and then she tears it up and bins it.

She plays a lot of colouring type games on her phone and yarn sorting games .

keeping a plant alive would just add to her anxiety . They seem to be like marmite on this thread some like them, others don’t

I have a young adult child with severe depression and various other things.
She actually loves little token gifts, as she doesn't realise (🙄) that people care about her and think of her during their day, so when she gets things she feels really warm and fuzzy and loved. Like she's not worthless after all, kind of feeling.

She does love flowers. With depression though, sticking them in a vase can be effort she doesn't have. So don't be offended if you find out they never made it to a vase of water. But my daughter still does love flowers regardless. If you can find flowers that get delivered IN a vase already, awesome!

She also really loves body/beauty things. Not sure if your friend has anxiety, or insomnia, but my daughter actually NEEDS these things in those moments as it gives her distraction from bad thoughts, keeps her hands busy from self-harm (either bad self-harm or just skin picking etc), and with insomnia it gives her a task to do in the middle of the night rather than stressing she can't sleep.
So things like body scrubs, exfoliators, face masks, hair masks etc.

Hope that helps. You sound like a lovely friend.

How about a card, a book and spending some time together? Even if it's just sitting and watching TV together or going for a walk someone nice?

Yes, jigsaws really helped me when I was unwell too. And my brother, and one of my best friends. In fact my brother was advised to do them by his therapist. None of us would particularly choose to do them when we are well, but they are very therapeutic somehow...

Obviously check with your friend first to see if she fancies the idea.

It really does present differently for everyone. She’s early days and probably hopeful for a complete cure….. I wish her luck. She’s lucky to have you as a friend

Depending on your budget Amazon do mini book shop builds, they are really good! Also adult colouring books and nice pens. I have recently been diagnosed with depression and ptsd and both these thing have helped me immensely try to quiet my mind if only for 10/15 mins. X

If she isn’t into these things how about a nice bedding set or pjs so she can feel cosy. I wouldn’t just turn up if I was you- possibly just a doorstep drop and let her know they are there

I was going to suggest walking with her but you've already mentioned it @Pigtailsandall . It's excellent for mh illness.

It's good she knows she has someone there for her.

The flapjack is a nice idea, I'd start with that and see whether chatting with her brings up any other ideas of things which may be helpful. Personally, I would have really appreciated someone bringing me food which is easy to snack on or an extra portion or two of a homecooked meal which I could have stuck in the microwave.

When I was in the depths of depression, I hated thinking people were making a fuss or trying to 'fix' me. I would have taken a lot of gifts the wrong way - a plant (great something I'll end up killing), bubble bath (I must smell) etc.

You sound like a great friend; I would reiterate that you're always up for going for a coffee or popping over and leave it for your friend to decide when she feels up to it.

Just want to add, unless you’re absolutely sure she’d welcome a visit just drop off the gift on her doorstep or have it delivered, definitely don’t knock on the door unexpectedly.

I was given a Snoozeband (like a soft headband with flat speakers in) which was so comfortable and you can wear in bed even if you lie on your side. It really helped that I could listen to a book or soothing sounds which helped me drift off to sleep when I was struggling.

I think that’s the thing tho: if she has depression the usual rules around enjoyment don’t apply. Anhedonia (lack of enjoyment in things usually enjoyed) is a major symptom of depression. Often loved ones understandably want to help make things a bit brighter by doing things people will enjoy - but anhedonia prevents enjoyment - which means the usual rules around ‘doing things people might enjoy’ need to be re-thought.
I hope you weren’t offended by my post - I was trying to be explanatory and helpful. I am both a depression survivor and a senior mental health clinician, so I thought I’d share my thoughts / experience, given you asked for input.

But if you feel you’d personally feel better making a gesture of something you think she’d enjoy then obviously do whatever you think.